Zombie Apocalypse: It Could Happen
Thanks to fellow former Oakridge Owl and long-time friend of the site, Scott H, for the tip!
I know I've been posting a shit-ton of videos lately but, man, I just couldn't let this one slide by without a mention. This song is so hysterically overwrought and forced-tragic, I'm even willing to admit that I found it while actively looking for Dolly Parton videos... that's how much I want you kids to see it. Here, grab a hankie and give it a watch:
"Jeannie's Afraid of the Dark" By Dolly Parton w/ Porter Wagoner
Can you fucking believe that??? How was this acceptable for-TV entertainment? Was there a child-death movement in the early-70's C&W scene that I never heard about? I mean, fuck... this makes "Tears In Heaven" look like the Sammy Davis Jr. version of "The Candy Man."
Also, Porter Wagoner's jacket is the most aggressively rhinestoned garment not owned by a drag queen.
Okay, I think we really need a cheery tune around here, particularly since I did my best this morning to drag you all down with me into a deep, dark hole of music-induced depression, and now I kind of feel bad about it.
I know this isn't like technically the happiest song ever written; it's basically about a Southern loser crashing at woman's house because he knows she'll let him stay there for free while he drinks and gambles himself into oblivion. Still, for whatever reason (possibly because I strongly identify with the song's protagonist, being a drunken Southerner myself), it's always been a tune that has made me smile...
"Up On Cripple Creek" by The Band
-If I could choose a singing voice to have, I think it would be the one currently owned by Levon Helm. The guy sounds like a backwoods moonshiner who showed up fifteen minutes after they invented the concept of "party time" and brought with him a truckload of steaks, drugs, and loose women who think you're really fascinating.
-Just in case anyone doesn't know, the above clip is from a documentary/concert film about The Band called The Last Waltz that was directed by Martin Scorsese back in the late 70's. It's totally awesome, features a ton of musicians who were friendly with The Band, and it'll make you want to start playing music with your friends out in a garage in the hopes that one day you'll be involved in something cool like this. Most of it is available on the YouTube, FYI.
-Despite all the good vibes and sonic pleasantness that's given off by the above clip (as well as by the movie itself) , there was apparently a ton of backstage drama. Mostly, it involved lead guitarist Robbie Robertson, who's pretty widely regarded as a credit-hogging ass, trying to, surprise!, take credit for The Band's popularity, sound, success, etc. Not helping matters: Martin Scorsese was Robertson's BFF.
-That's not quite the positive note I wanted to end this post on, but... oh well.
NOTE: They don't make drag queens like this anymore. That entrance is so off the chain, my eyes actually popped out of my head and I had to stick them back in with tape just so I could share this with all of you. Enjoy, seriously, because this kicks an unholy amount of ass:
(oh and it's totally safe for work, too)
NOTE: Last night, the Colorado Rockies achieved the improbable, capping off a 21-out-of-22 winning streak with a sweep of the Arizona Diamondbacks to earn themselves a trip to the franchises first ever World Series. Because we here at ZFS! are committed to always "getting the scoop," we sent an intrepid reporter to Denver to uncover just what it is that has turned this ball club from a six-losing-season bunch of losers who suck and are stupid into the handsome champions of the National League that are awesome and also hung like mules (so I hear). After hiding for several hours in an equipment case in the Rockies' locker room, then following team Manager Clint Hurdle to his home and begging him for information until the police showed up, our reporter submitted these fascinating, completely-true facts about how, precisely, this team did this thing that now everyone's going all apeshit about...
The Success Secrets Of The Colorado Rockies, or, "Oooh, Look At Us, We Won, We're Sooooo Cool!!!"
-They use a combination of seasoned veterans, talented youngsters, and one man who fell to Earth many years ago from parts unknown that can play either centerfield or left field and can change the trajectory of the baseball with his mind. Also, he eats pine tar and is in a committed relationship with the pitching mound at Coors Field.
-Every member of the Colorado Rockies carries a gun with them on the field, just to increase the... you know... "intimidation factor."
-Uniform pants that really let their junk "breathe."
-The team really bonded over Clint Hurdle's mandatory group readings of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, especially when rookie Troy Tulowitzki would do his hilarious impression of Professor Snape! Oh, how they would laugh together, not realizing that they were also learning the true meaning of friendship.
-The Rockies maintained a "Christian" clubhouse, meaning that no copies of Playboy or Penthouse were allowed in the lockers, obscenity-filled music was banned, and scripture quotes were prominently displayed, upon which the players were encouraged to reflect. Doing this earned the team the official approval of Jesus, which is incredible considering that Jesus is usually much more of a hockey kind of guy, at least according to The Bible.
-Strict "No Girls Allowed" policy, because girls have cooties and cooties will make you go blind and you'll drop balls in the outfield and stuff. It's true, Brad Hawpe's older brother said so and he has a Camero, so, like, he knows stuff. Once he bought the whole team wine coolers!
-Pure, goddamned manliness, combined with sound fundamentals of course. But mostly it's the goddamned manliness.
My favorite part? Hard to say, but I believe the line, "Many customers are buying one for each side of the bed" really takes the I'm-sad-for-my-country cake. Yeesh, people... yeesh.
I know it doesn't feel like it right now, what with the temperatures still being a bajillion degrees and everyone walking around in next-to-nothing like it was late July, but Halloween is just around the corner. Being a horror fan and all, I tend to be quite big on Halloween; there's usually a ton of good, scary movies on TV, there's the whole candy aspect, and it gives everyone an excuse to get drunk while dressed up like, say, Leatherface or maybe a sexy nurse. Whatever the case, Halloween is usually a blast and the fact that this October is not really cooperating in the weather department has me a little bummed.
So, in an effort to correct this and get everyone, myself included, in the spooky mood, I've got a little treat for all of us. It's this:
The Entire Movie of Night of the Living Dead
That's right. Night of the Living Dead, from start to finish, right here on this very blog through the magic of YouTube and public domain laws. Now, I know that you all probably won't sit at your computer and watch the whole thing... still, I hope you recognize that by me putting this entire movie on ZFS!, I'm trying to tell you, my readers, that I care deeply about your enjoyment of the Halloween festivities. I love you all, true dat.
Also, in the interest of being up front, I really should mention that the audio is great on this, but the picture quality is... well, about what you'd expect from a YouTube video. It ain't DVD, but hey, it's free. And it's brought to you with love, as I said earlier. Remember? The love? Totally makes up for the shoddy picture quality.
So if you want to, watch it and enjoy. And if not, well that's okay too. Let's get our scares on, yo!!!