Friday, October 05, 2007

Fridays Are For Fun Facts

Webster's Dictionary defines the word "fact" as follows:

A fact is this thing that's like totally true, like, it ain't false, you know? Now give me my beer before I cut you with a rusty hunk of steel that I yanked off an old tractor this one time.

It should be noted that, by "Webster's Dictionary," I meant, "this guy I know named Webster who smells like old milk and lives in an alley behind my apartment building." I figured he'd be close enough to a the Webster's Dictionary for the likes of us, and if not, well then, you really don't want to see the guy I got to pretend he's a Thesaurus. So many sores...

Anyway, because it's Friday, and because I enjoy the alliteration of the phrase "Fridays are for Fun Facts," we here at ZFS! (me) will now present you good people with an assortment of very true, very real, very other-things-too-probably facts that you can keep with you for always and forever. How can I speak to the true-ocity of these facts with such boldness? Let's just say it's because I'm a genius who knows tons of things about stuff and leave it at that, okay. Not convinced? Fine then, I didn't want to bring this up, but you Doubting Thomases and Tammies have left me no choice: Stephen Hawking once told me that I was as smart as I am handsome, and my handsomeness knows not the boundaries of space, time, or "spacetime," which is a concept from the sci-fi novel that Hawking was working on during the time that we were roommates. That's right, Stephen Hawking and I used to be roommates. Prove we weren't!!!

So let's get on with it, shall we:

ZFS! Presents Fridays Are For Fun Facts: The Extra-True Edition

Fact: No one knows where oranges came from. Science says they probably came from Mars, but we'll probably never know because oranges don't talk. Yet.

Fact: Christopher Columbus actually did discover America, like even before the Vikings or Amerigo Vespucci or any of those guys. Because Christoper Columbus is a vampire.

Fact: There's a place on a persons foot, right below the big toe, where if you touch it juuuust right, they'll lose complete control of their bowels. People who know this particular bit of accu-pressure information give the most hilarious, smelly foot massages you've ever seen!

Fact: I've seen the movie Mean Girls more times than you've told your mother that you love her. And I've only seen Mean Girls three times. Why are you so cruel to your mother?

Fact: If you drink four margaritas, you'll get pretty buzzed. If you drink five margaritas, you'll achieve a perfect disconnect between your brain and your "mind," which will allow you to soar through your own subconscious and discover hidden truths about yourself that were heretofore unknown. If you drink six margaritas, you'll get like, soooo wasted!!!

Fact: The NY Post is perfectly okay with making racist Native American jokes (see top-left headline).

Fact: I used to think rap music sucks, but as it turns out, there's some rap music that doesn't suck. I was so surprised by this, I nearly fainted with the "vapors!" Anyway, I'm in a gang now. Thug life! I miss you, Biggie!!!

Fact: Fridays are for Fun Facts is the best blog post you've ever read! Or at least it's the best blog post you're currently reading, right this very second. Semantics make it true!!!

Fact: Vampire Christopher Columbus is still out there... waiting...

6 Comments:

Blogger Quin said...

wow.

i'm whelmed.

11:46 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Meaning...?

11:50 AM  
Blogger Ross said...

I am so enlightened, my ears hurt.

12:22 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

If you chew some gum, that'll make your ears not hurt. That is also a fact.

12:38 PM  
Anonymous stew said...

I used to not know stuff and now I do! THANKS ZFS!!!!!!!

2:40 PM  
Anonymous David said...

Who needs school when you can read ZFS.

2:59 PM  

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