Friday, September 28, 2007

Your Rock N' Roll Hall Of Fame Nominees

Madonna - Yeah, I guess. She's an icon and a trailblazer and she's been a pop cultural cornerstone for as long as I can remember, not to mention the fact that she's sold like a bajillion albums (which is secretly what the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame is all about). Still... I just don't really care for her all that much. Her as a person, I mean; her music is... well, it is what it is. Her though... that accent... and all the Kaballah nonsense... ick. Granted, I may be a little biased seeing as how at work I sit next to one of the biggest Madonna fans in the Northern Hemisphere. Seriously, I can do the "Like A Virgin" album from memory, with appropriate dance movies, and that's pretty much the best example of osmosis science has ever seen.

The Beastie Boys - Now these guys, I'd be okay with. There's not a single person my age who doesn't own a copy of "Licence to Ill," and "Paul's Boutique" was about as close to a masterpiece as you can get without oil paints and a nice frame. Their last couple of albums have been worthless to varying degrees, and every time I see Mike D wandering around the Village, I have a strong urge to help him find a homeless shelter so he can get a hot cup of soup, but you know... not everyone can be perfect and young forever. Really though, their across-the-board stellar music videos should be reason enough to punch their ticket to Cleveland.

Donna Summer - "Bad Girls" was a pretty good song. "She Works Hard For The Money" was okay, if you like that sort of thing. And... did she have any other songs? And "I Will Survive" doesn't count, because Gloria Gaynor did it first, better. She did have some pretty intense hair, though. I'll give her that.

Chic - Really? The "Le Freak" people? Does the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame owe Chic some money? Because I can't think of another reason for them to be here. Please, kids, correct me if I'm missing out on some deep, rich mine of musical genius here.... but I'm not, am I?

Afrika Bambaataa - I know nothing about him other than he looks like an absolute lunatic and he's so guilty of abusing the letter "A," he should be thrown in Alphabet Jail and never, ever let out.

Leonard Cohen - Yes! One nominee that I can wholeheartedly throw my entire, considerable weight behind. Love his music, love how shitty it makes me feel, love how old and weird he is now... love everything about him except for the fact that he's one of those artists that other musicians name-check as an influence out of habit, even though their music sounds nothing like his. I mean, Bono goes on and on about Leonard Cohen like he co-wrote "The Joshua Tree," which is great except that we all know Bono only heard about Leonard Cohen two years ago when he was Googling: "what+will+give+me+more+rocker+ cred+so+I+don't+look+like+such+a+pop+weenie."

The Dave Clark Five - They were famous for not being The Beatles, which you wouldn't think is something upon which a group could build a career. Turns out, totally the case. I'm sure they were excellent and stuff, but I had to hit Wikipedia to see what songs they'd sung, so there you go.

The Ventures - Obligatory instrumental band that everyone is supposed to like, but never actually gets listened to.

John Mellencamp - Oookay, now... look... I like "Jack and Diane" as much as the next guy, but come the fuck on. Mellencamp? This is like Van Halen getting nominated last year; proof positive that, as I mentioned earlier, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is secretly only about artists that made the most money during the prime of their careers. Mellencamp was a poor-man's Springsteen and I'd love to hear the argument claiming otherwise.

6 Comments:

Blogger Big Daddy said...

Actually, Donna Summer's 'I Feel Love' was kind of ground-breaking as many consider it the first 'Techno' song.

Also, Chic is the brainchild of Nile Rodgers and Bernard Edwards who were like the Timbaland of the 70's and 80's.

They produced a lot of records from people, like Madonna, Duran Duran and Robert Palmer.

And the Dave Clark Five and The Ventures rule!

5:22 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Produced for people, I meant.

5:23 PM  
Blogger stew said...

omg I think I got a popper contact high when you mentioned "I Feel Love."

Chic, yeah, it's all about Nile Rodgers. Nile Rodgers is like the african-american, disco, lots more obscure, crazy, shorter-lived, much more commercial, not very successful, New York-London, nonwriting nonsinging, lacking poetic vision, not Canadian, nontortured, zipper-jacket wearing, fade haircutted, Grace-Jones-producing version of Leonard Cohen. They're basically TWINS.

Also, fuck you very much for not knowing the Dave Clark Five. Glad All Over, my friend. Glad. All. Fucking. Over.

As for Mellencamp, I think he gets a special nod for naming his kid, like, "Choad" or something.

10:23 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

It's not like I straight up had never heard of The Dave Clark Five; I just couldn't think of any songs of theirs off the top of my head. And "Glad All Over" is hardly what I'd call a classic of great reknown. But if it makes you feel better, Girlfriend called me an idiot for not knowing about them, so I have been sufficently taken to task.

Also, if Chic is basically just Nile Rodgers, then why isn't just Nile Rodgers being inducted in to the HOF? I still think I'm missing something here.

12:33 PM  
Blogger stew said...

"Glad All Over" is basically the World's Greatest Song That People Think is By The Monkees. Which, come to think of it, is not that high an honor.

I think Nile Rodgers signed one of those documents early in his career that said "to wit, party of the first part being Nile Rodgers hereunto doth set his seal that he will drag the rest of your anonymous asses onto whatsoever award ballot he shall be deemed nominatable for henceforth for all eternity." I would guess.

I think Hamilton, Joe Frank and Reynolds signed one, too, but so far neither Hamilton nor Joe Frank nor Reynolds has gotten much attention.

5:18 PM  
Blogger threetoedsloth said...

Dooooood, what kind of music snob is you if you isn't listening to Afrika Bambaataa? He could knock those Dave Clark Five's blocks off, I'll tell you what.

7:34 PM  

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