Arbitrary Rulings 3 (Body Edition)

Hair - Hair's cool, I guess. I mean, it keeps our heads warm and it does look nice once you've run a comb through it. Or not; you can just roll out of bed, leave it sticking out at all angles, and call it a "style." Really, that's hair's main selling point, particularly if you live in New York or LA or wherever there's an abundance of hip people: Being lazy and greasy makes you the Mayor of Bands That Are In Right Now. Also, hair gives serial killers something else to fetishize besides boobs, which is what makes them (the serial killers) extra-creepy. And if there's anything that serial killers love, it's being extra-creepy. It's true, just ask them! Wear a hat, though.

Nose - Yeah, yeah, flowers and a cooking steak and your girlfriend's perfume as you snuggle down with her at night... they all smell great and because you can smell them, for that you have your nose to thank. Except that there's a dark side. Farts, obviously. And fat people who haven't "gotten" soap yet. And the smell of paint drying that makes you (okay, me) all pukey. Walk into a freshly-painted room filled with a bunch of fat dudes that have just eaten a large taco dinner, take a big whiff, and tell me how awesome your nose is now. You won't be able to, of course; you'll be too busy trying to hack it off with whatever implements they were using to serve the tacos.

Eyes - Eyes kick so much ass, it's like they're from the future. I mean, how do they work? I couldn't tell you. I think it has something to do with lens and cones and rods and a wizard's spell. Whatever the case, though, eyes make everything better. Particularly being around naked people. Because, with eyes, you can look at the naked people! And you can go, "Hot damn, sir/madam, you sure are looking fine in your nakedness. I know this because I have eyes! Now, let me tell you about some of my other parts. Let's start with the wang..." Granted, these types of conversations usually end in a macing and a lengthy prison sentence, but still... when you're counting the hours alone in your cell... at least you'll have the memory of that nakedness to give you comfort. And that's a gift from your eyes, free of charge.

Toes - Useless. Okay, maybe very occasionally you can use your toes to pick up a pen or a quarter that you've dropped, but that's only if you happen to be barefoot and even then, it's really hard. Almost not even worth the effort. In fact, I think it's fair to say that toes are just about the only part on your body that have absolutely no purpose in being there. It's like their sole function is to give women another place to slap on some colored paint and/or to get broken in soccer matches. And as you may have sussed out, neither or those are a function that would be terribly missed should they happen to disappear. Stupid, stupid fleshy bits, is what toes are, and I for one say it's time we start ignoring them in the hopes that they'll just go away. Oh, you can also "Hang Ten" with your toes if you're a surfer, but since almost nobody is a surfer, no one cares.

The Butt - Hilarious! It's like the Swiss Army Knife of your body! It's what makes sitting such a pleasant experience, it makes funny noises, it looks sexy in a pair of tight jeans... is there nothing the butt can't do??? Alright, no, it can't drive you home when you're drunk and it can't do calculus, but to be fair, we are talking about two lumps of fat and muscle here, so why would you even think that the butt could do those things? Really, sometimes I worry about you. Anyway, the butt is such a tidy multitasker, I'm going to go ahead and nominate it for the Noble Prize. When it wins and it takes the stage in Oslo, you better prepare yourself for the funniest acceptance speech of all time. Because that speech will be told entirely in farts. And we, as a planetary community, will be healed with laughter. And yes, I know I just made a big deal about how farts smell up in the "nose" section... being both smelly and hilarious is the essential dichotomy of farts. It's the truest balance achieved in nature and we should all genuflect in awe. So yeah... get on that, already.