Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Further Proof Of My Superior Evolution

NOTE: So, remember when I revealed to you guys that I've evolved beyond the growing of wisdom teeth? Yeah, well, turns out, that was merely the tip of the iceberg. I went to a genetic specialist this morning who was able to shed some light on what features, exactly, are present in and on this superior, sexy form of mine. It was kind of crazy; wouldn't have thought I could get in to see a genetic specialist this quickly. I mean, sure, this genetic specialist's office was really more of an alley. And... he was clearly suffering from "the shakes." Come to think of it, I've never known a genetic specialist to demand payment in the form of "a place to shit all private-like"... well, irregardless, I think he was right on the money. Here now, the wonders of the (my) highly-evolved body:

Further Proof Of My Superior Evolution, or, "Evolvin' 2000!!!"

-My neck's got gills that let me breath like normal when I'm submerged head first in a bucket of Everclear. I will forever be a huge hit at frat parties and after-work Happy Hours.

-Due to the unique structure of my vocal chords, I'm able to get the George Harrison song "I've Got My Mind Set On You" stuck in anyone's head at any time just by humming a few bars.

-My navel and a kangaroo's pouch have nearly the exact same function.

-My balls glow like they're at a rave. It's to attract mates. Raver mates.

-Apparently, my elbows are first joints ever in the history of anatomy to hold over 250 songs in the MP3 format.

-I can move things with my mind. Well, not "things," really. Just bananas. But if anybody wants a banana, I can totally get it for you without leaving this chair.

-I have the ability to rock and roll all night and party every day. Also, I can hear Beth calling, I can lick it up, and some other KISS references, too.

-Instead of intestines, I have a fully functioning arcade console that plays nothing but free games of Arkanoid. I can regulate my digestion by getting the high score!

-I've got a tail like a horse, but it's cool. Keeps the flies off.

-I never get sick, I never age, and I envy those that die peacefully in their beds!


Anonymous Charlotte said...

I stumbled onto your blog from another one and I think I'm kind of in love with you now. You're way too funny!

2:42 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

I used to Love, Love, Love KISS®™©™.

Now I just love them for their camp value.

I like this hard rock theme ZFS! has today.

And I'll take a banana.

2:42 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

Did you use the word "irregardless"!?!?!?!

Dude, not a word.

3:37 PM  
Blogger stew said...

I'd also like a banana, thanks.

3:54 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

Hey, is that banana being moved by your mind or are you just glad to see me?

4:03 PM  
Anonymous Just Saying said...

Irregardless is a term that has caused controversy since it first appeared in the early twentieth century. It is generally listed in dictionaries as "nonstandard".
The origin of irregardless is not known for certain, but the consensus among references is that it is a blend of irrespective and regardless, both of which are commonly accepted standard English words. By blending these words, an illogical word is created. "Since the prefix ir- means 'not' (as it does with irrespective), and the suffix -less means 'without,' irregardless is a double negative."[1]. (Cf. inflammable, flammable.) However, such double negatives are already found in the language in such words as debone and unravel.
Irregardless is primarily found in North America, most notably in Boston and surrounding areas, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, and was first acknowledged in 1912 by the Wentworth American Dialect Dictionary as originating from western Indiana. Barely a decade later, the usage dispute over irregardless was such that, in 1923, Literary Digest published an article titled "Is There Such a Word as Irregardless in the English Language?"[2]
Irregardless seems to be moving slowly in the direction of standardization.[citation needed] It has gone from nonexistence in the 1910 publication of Etymological Dictionary of the English Language,[7] to being a normality in modern dictionary publications, and it frequently occurs in edited professional prose. The fact that its listing as a "humorous usage" has practically disappeared today supplies further evidence in favor of acceptance. However, strong resistance to this word still remains. Australian linguist Pam Peters (The Cambridge Guide to English Usage, 2004) suggests that irregardless has become fetishized, since natural examples of this word in corpora of written and spoken English are greatly outnumbered by examples where it is in fact only cited as an incorrect term.

5:01 PM  
Blogger stew said...

ok, well, irregardless of whatevs, I would still like a banana, thanks. now.

5:17 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

You bastard!!!!.

8:18 PM  

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