I Am Evolved
Rare is it that you discover hidden truths about yourself during brunch, but as yesterday proved, occasionally that's totally what happens.
So I'm sitting there with Girlfriend, our friends Dan and Kate, and a strong Bloody Mary and we're having a very pleasant late-morning conversation about general stuff while we eat our eggs. During the course of said conversation, the topic of wisdom teeth and wisdom teeth-removal comes up (as it does), which allows me to bust out my one wisdom teeth-related factoid: I, C-dog, am one of the 20-to-30% of humans who will never have wisdom teeth. According to my dentist, I just flat-out won't grow them and that makes me a lucky, lucky boy. I sip my Bloody Mary in as self-satisfied a manner as possible while my table-mates stare at me, open-mouthed, in awe. This is usually the reaction I get when I drop this particular bit of knowledge on people, because let's face it... not growing wisdom teeth is the most awesome thing you can do with the back part of your gums and, therefore, I'm worthy of their adulation and reverence. But then, Dan says this:
NOTE: I'm paraphrasing; Bloody Marys, ya know.
Dan: You know what this means, right?
C-dog: That I'm awesome. Duh.
Dan: Well obviously. Handsome, too. But also, it means that you're the next stage in evolution.
C-dog: (perking up immediately) What's that you say, good sir?
Dan: I've read that, eventually, humans will out-grow wisdom teeth all together. With each generation, there will be fewer and fewer people that have wisdom teeth as our DNA adapts them right out of existence. The fact that you don't have them now, nor will you ever have them, means that you've already evolved to that point. Good for you.
C-dog: Yes... yes... Good for me indeed! I AM A GOD!!!
Girlfriend: Maybe you don't need another Bloody Mary.
Now, before you even think of questioning the science of my boy Dan, keep this in mind: He's starting grad school at Stanford this Fall. Ergo, he's wicked smart. From this, we can extrapolate that all smart people think I'm "the next phase of humanity" and, eventually, they'll ask me to be the leader of their revolution.
I'm not saying you have to or anything, but... um... you might want to start kissing my super-evolved butt now, so that I might be persuaded to spare your lives when The Reckoning is upon us.
Just a suggestion from your genetic superior.
So I'm sitting there with Girlfriend, our friends Dan and Kate, and a strong Bloody Mary and we're having a very pleasant late-morning conversation about general stuff while we eat our eggs. During the course of said conversation, the topic of wisdom teeth and wisdom teeth-removal comes up (as it does), which allows me to bust out my one wisdom teeth-related factoid: I, C-dog, am one of the 20-to-30% of humans who will never have wisdom teeth. According to my dentist, I just flat-out won't grow them and that makes me a lucky, lucky boy. I sip my Bloody Mary in as self-satisfied a manner as possible while my table-mates stare at me, open-mouthed, in awe. This is usually the reaction I get when I drop this particular bit of knowledge on people, because let's face it... not growing wisdom teeth is the most awesome thing you can do with the back part of your gums and, therefore, I'm worthy of their adulation and reverence. But then, Dan says this:
NOTE: I'm paraphrasing; Bloody Marys, ya know.
Dan: You know what this means, right?
C-dog: That I'm awesome. Duh.
Dan: Well obviously. Handsome, too. But also, it means that you're the next stage in evolution.
C-dog: (perking up immediately) What's that you say, good sir?
Dan: I've read that, eventually, humans will out-grow wisdom teeth all together. With each generation, there will be fewer and fewer people that have wisdom teeth as our DNA adapts them right out of existence. The fact that you don't have them now, nor will you ever have them, means that you've already evolved to that point. Good for you.
C-dog: Yes... yes... Good for me indeed! I AM A GOD!!!
Girlfriend: Maybe you don't need another Bloody Mary.
Now, before you even think of questioning the science of my boy Dan, keep this in mind: He's starting grad school at Stanford this Fall. Ergo, he's wicked smart. From this, we can extrapolate that all smart people think I'm "the next phase of humanity" and, eventually, they'll ask me to be the leader of their revolution.
I'm not saying you have to or anything, but... um... you might want to start kissing my super-evolved butt now, so that I might be persuaded to spare your lives when The Reckoning is upon us.
Just a suggestion from your genetic superior.
posted by Clinton at 10:55 AM
8 Comments:
He was pulling your leg or trying to make you feel better. There is no truth to that.
Such insolence will not be tolerated under my rule.
clearly, you are the next leader of the revolution...I heard that we will not have pinky fingers and toes in yars to come due to evolution...but maybe that's just crazy talk
Based on no scientific evidence whatsoever, I'm convinced we as a species have hit the wall of evolution. Evolution is about passing on traits that allow a being to stay alive the longest and healthiest. All humans tend to multiply whether or not their traits are helpful (meaning while you have a helpful trait of not growing wisdom teeth, the other 70% of humans who do grow wisdom teeth continue to create more humans with that genetic trait).
Pseudo-science geek rant is over. Enjoy.
My most humble apologies your most excellent and large eminence. Also since I did have wisdom teeth I guess I just cannot recognize higher beings with my limited intelligence O Great Master of the Buffet. I should have realized that even in your constantly inebriated state how much further down the evolutionary trail ye are. A thousand and one pardons, I will now go watch the Britney dance video ten times as punishment.
i have a friend who has this same thing. and she's actually definitely more evolved. smart as a whip. wins on the price is right. has no cellulite. basically, i hate her.
NYCponds... That sounds about right. Pinkies are useless and a mockery to my enhanced genes.
Chris... Er, yes. I agree with whatever you said, smart person.
David... Much better, though I'm the only one who can call me fat. To you, there's mearly more of me to love.
Blythe... Don't hate my kind; we're kind and gentle genetically-perfect sort.
Someone once told me that having a longer second toe than big toe means you're more evolved. I often take solace in this tidbit of info (which probably has no basis in fact or reality) when I look at my ugly feet.
(between your roomy gums and my lengthy toes, we could take over the world!)
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