Britney's Big Night

In a move that's sent our nation's community of trashy whore enthusiasts into a collective hot-mess panic, Britney Spears has been scheduled to perform this Sunday at the MTV Music Video Awards. It's known that she'll be singing her latest single, "Gimmie More," but beyond that details as to what exactly will happen on stage are being kept a closely-guarded secret.

UNTIL NOW...

That's right, using my elaborate web of contacts, spies, and morally ambiguous hair-and-makeup artists, I've managed to uncover a transcript of Spears' intended spectacle. Here now, the highlights of what promises to be the greatest live-to-tape performance ever recorded by an aging pop starlet whom no one will touch for fear of catching crabs:

Britney Spears in "This Is My Comeback! And This Is My Cooter!!!"

30sec- The stage goes dark. Strobes flicker, multi-colored lights flash around the auditorium, a guy rides a white horse across the stage while waving a black light and screaming, "The Britney is Coming! The Britney is coming!!!" No one under 21 gets the historical reference, which is intended as a sad commentary on the state of our public schools.

45sec- A thunderous boom is heard, followed by the chorus of an angelic choir, which is interrupted by thirty seconds of what sounds like Britney Spears backstage, unaware that her mic is now live, complaining about a nasty yeast infection.

1min- Britney takes the stage and immediately begins to strip. Her handlers rush out and catch her attention with something shiny while whispering in her ear. A look of intense concentration comes over her face and then she nods, slowly, while re-hooking her bra. A handler turns to the audience and shouts, "Okay, she's ready!"

1min, 30sec - Thumping club music pours from the speakers. A legion of jock strap-wearing, hard bodied men take the stage and begin to perform an elaborately choreographed dance routine that somehow brings to mind both the early work of Martha Graham as well as "the Hokey-Pokey." Britney appears transfixed by the gyrating buns and thighs of the dancers and is heard muttering to herself, "Penispenispenispenispenis..." One of the men hands her a microphone and an "Oh yeah" expression washes over her face.

2mins- She begins to sing; first her ABCs, then a pause, then a spirited rendition of "B-I-N-G-O," another pause, then, oddly, an aria from Don Giovanni. After some frantic hand motions from her handlers, followed by a few flash cards, Britney begins to sing her new hit single, "Gimme More."

5mins- It becomes apparent that she only remembers one verse of "Gimmie More," and that she's intent on singing it over and over again. The male dancers are clearly exhausted, but carry on gamely.

6mins- Britney continues to sing the same verse of "Gimmie More," but is now singing it to the tune of "B-I-N-G-O."

7mins, 30secs- The dancers have all sat down and are now quietly chatting amongst themselves. Britney is marching back and forth across the front of the stage, alternating between singing her one verse of "Gimmie More," and shouting out a recipe for a "kick-ass Bloody Mary that m'kids just love, y'all!!!"

8mins, 15secs- The dancers are all making out with each other. Britney's turning cartwheels.

9mins- Britney announces that she's "gotta take a thunderdump" and quickly exits the stage with her hands clenching her buttocks. The dancers stop making out, collectively roll their eyes, and wander off hand-in-hand.

10mins- It becomes clear that Britney has yet again forgotten about the live mic. The noise, magnified by the bathroom tiles, is deafening.

12mins- The MTV Music Video Awards begin!!!