Thursday, August 30, 2007

New Yorkers Will Be Nice To You

Apparently, Mayor Mike wants us to be more hospitable to the loads and loads and loads of tourists that visit NYC with the sole intention of standing on the sidewalk and not moving when I, personally, am late for work. My first reaction to this is, of course, to say, "HA!" and then go about my business of shoving in front of a taxi anyone who's looking up at a building. However, after some quiet reflection (drinking) and because I was after all once a frightened newbie here myself, I've changed my mind. Why shouldn't we be nice? Why shouldn't we welcome travellers from parts abroad with open arms and a large, non-threatening smile? It'll be good for the tourists, good for our city and, honestly, it'll be good for us. Because being nice is the nicest thing you can do... for yourself. Think about it, won't you. Anyway, to that end, I've come up with a few ways that those of us who live in New York can be nicer and more hospitable to our greatest civic resource: The Mighty Tourist.

Oh, Be Nice!, or, "Please, Let Me Hold Your Fanny Pack"

-Sure, when a tourist asks for directions to Chinatown, it's hilariously tempting to send them to the South Bronx and to tell them to, "Go after midnight, because that's when the dumplings are at their freshest." But doing that is very, very... well, hilarious, as I said, but it's probably not the nicest thing you could do. Send them to East Harlem instead.

-Okay, for real, we've got to stop them from going to see Mamma Mia. It was funny at first, but now it just feels mean.

-When you've got them pinned to the ground and you're digging their fillings out with a pocketknife, be sure to compliment them on their snappy, new "I Heart NY" shirt. It will make them feel like a "real New Yorker," and it will distract them from the rusty blade cutting into their gums.

-For once, sell them the good crack.

-Instead of having the tourists sleep in pricey hotels, offer them a cozy spot on your floor. Or your couch, maybe? Or even... hey, why not... your bed. I'm just sayin' that some of them tourists are mighty good-looking and maybe they like to party? You won't know until you ask.

-If you find a frightened tourist in a bad part of town, c'mon... be a good person and guide them to some place a little more suited to their vacationing needs. Of course you should take their wallet as payment for "the effort," but, starting now, lets all agree that we'll let them keep their shoes.

-Be sure to show 'em The Big Apple, ifyaknowwhatImean!!!


Anonymous Clark Griswold®™©™ said...

Perhaps you can help me, Clinton...My family and I are looking for sex.

10:43 AM  
Blogger lioux said...


10:44 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I think most New Yorkers are incredibly nice, moreso than anywhere else in fact. It's just when you get in our fucking way that we have a problem.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

At least New Yorkers tell you what they think. In Minnesota, people are smiling at you while silently planning your excruciating demise. At least, I want to know who my enemies are.

12:35 PM  
Anonymous highonmoxie said...

missouri/kansas/oklahoma are the same as minnesota, except for maybe oklahoma...if they don't like you there, they'll rub cow shit on your car. not that i know from fact...

1:12 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Clark Griswold... Fuck yo mama!!!

Lioux... I knew you would.

Brooklyn... Exactly.

Ross... I get around that by simply never trusting anyone who smiles.

Moxie... Here, it's pigeon shit. Same dif, I guess.

1:45 PM  
Blogger stew said...

are you telling me that the "sex and the city" cupcake place really isn't at 179th and Broadway and that it doesn't open at three a.m. and that the secret phrase you have to yell to be let in isn't "I have LOTS OF CASH ON ME!"???????????????

3:40 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

ok now. wait a minute, coupla things:

highonmoxie - oklahomans are nice. we're certainly not going to rub shit onto your car. unless you deserve it for approving of gay marriage or some stupid shit.

and, "please, let me hold your fanny pack" is now my new pick up line. it's totes gonna work. i'm gonna get me some tonight. in oklahoma! with or without cow shit on my car.

can you tell it's almost quittin' time? my brain certainly has.

5:54 PM  

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