Thursday, August 23, 2007

Booze-ventions!!!

Ladies... Gentlemen... Drinkers of all ages, I give you Pocket Shots:



"Hey baby, I've got a pants-full of liquor and it's all for you. Don't worry, though... it's in baggies." Or whatever it's contained in; I'm thinking they're like the Capri Sun bags, except that if you put these in your kid's lunchbox, you get a visit from Child Protective Services. So yeah... Pocket Shots, once only a concept in the dreams of madmen, are now a real thing; I' m sure they've got an official website or something if you feel like using the Google. I'd look it up but, forgive me, I've decided to take the idea of novelty liquor delivery systems and run with it. Here's what I've come up with:

Booze-ventions!!! (Patents Pending, Yo!)

Booze Slacks - Say you're a businessman on the go. Say you want to pour liquor down your throat at a rate that would make a frat guy look like a uptight Mormon granny. What to do??? The answer, my friend, it's blowing... in your pants? That's right... it's BOOZE SLACKS!!! Booze Slacks are a tailored pair of English-cut trousers that have been specially retrofitted with a series of tubes that draw liquor directly from a hidden pouch (it's located near the balls) and straight into your drunkard mouth. You'll be soused before that Noontime meeting, my friend! What's that...? What do you mean, "Won't people notice the tubes coming out of my pants and into my mouth? Won't it look like I'm drinking my own bodily wastes?" No! Because it's BOOZE SLACKS!!! Drink up, you lush!

Booze Mintz - You're wasted to a blind stagger, yet no one has seen you partake in anything more nefarious than a package of breath mints for over two hours... what in tarnation is going on here??? Why, It's Booze Mintz; the mints that are made of booze!!! We start with only the freshest Everclear, then we distill it down to a fine powder, which we then form into a tablet that we flavor with peppermint oil... it's like a shot of Everclear in a mint! WARNING: Eating more than two Booze Mintz in an hour will cause alcohol poisoning. Eat Booze Mintz today, all day, for that never-stop drunk!!! WARNING: The "Z" means Booze Mintz are EXTREME-ly dangerous!

Meta-Booze - Ever heard the phrase "hiding in plain sight." Well, we've taken that saying to heart with our newest product... META-BOOZE!!! It's booze, cleverly hidden in a larger false-bottle that's been lovingly handcrafted to look exactly like a bottle of booze. People will never expect you're actually drinking booze from a smaller bottle out of that larger bottle of what appears to be booze! It will blow their minds, but you won't care... you're drinking META-BOOZE!!!

9 Comments:

Anonymous David said...

How about a booze pump. You steal a pump from a diabetic coworker, empty out the insulin and fill it with booze. Find a nice looking vein and insert tube. Bam, every ten minutes you get a fresh injection of booze straight into the bloodstream.

10:34 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I hope the pocket shots are easier to open than Capri Suns. I've never figured those things out.

11:16 AM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

booze bookz- people think you're reading on the train but really you're squirting booze down your throat through a sprinkler system!

Or you know... you could just drink pocket shotz.

-Jew

11:17 AM  
Blogger lioux said...

¡Hola, Clinton!

I think ALL of these products would be wonderful to own!

12:52 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

David... Yeah, those diabetics don't really need those anyway.

Brooklyn... I just rip them open with my teeth and drink the juice inside. That's also how I kill squirrels in the park.

Jew... Or you could just openly swig from a bottle of Jack Daniels. Fuck da police!!!

Lioux... Hola, Lioux! I'm having a catalouge produced very soon.

1:48 PM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

Actually, they look more like those little sample packets of conditioner you get with a box of hair dye. But a Capri Sun pouch of liquor would be waaaaay cooler. *hicc!*

2:42 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Do you have an invention that will keep me from drinking beer at 1 in the afternoon while working from home?

2:49 PM  
Anonymous highonmoxie said...

i'm still waiting on the fabled whiskey tits.

3:27 PM  
Anonymous Just Saying said...

Hey Clint instead of spending time inventing these silly ideas why don’t you invent something that turns cum into a high quality alcoholic beverage. While it may not be of a benefit of getting us guys drunk happy hour would never be the same again.

8:06 PM  

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