Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Today In Infuriating Products

We Americans are now forbidden... forbidden... from ever bitching about how much it sucks that other countries hate us. We officially have no leg to stand on:

Individually Wrapped Slices Of Peanut Butter

Now, look... I'm as big a fan of laziness as the next fat guy; there's no question that, when given the choice between doing something "the hard way," or doing it the way that doesn't so much involve me putting down my box of Cheez-Its, I'm going for the latter every time. This though... this peanut butter by way of Kraft Singles... is taking laziness to an extreme found only in coma patients.
NOTE: That's right, I just called coma patients lazy. Why? Because fuck coma patients and their shitty, "Poor me, I can't wake up so feed me and give me wonderful drugs" attitude, that's why!
Also, there's just no way these things taste good. Certainly nothing like the rich, smooth and creamy peanut butter we all love smearing on a fresh slice of bread. I can only assume that, due to the "individual slicing" process, these things taste the way a big mesh bag of dodgeballs smell... plasticky, chemical-ly, and like industrial sadness.
So, yeah... individually sliced peanut butter. Bad for you, bad for America. I'm pretty sure this can be proved with some simple research. Anyone want to get on that for me? Because I'm certainly not going to do it.


Anonymous highonmoxie said...

where the fuck did my individually sliced jelly go? dammit, c-dog. stop horkin' the goods!

11:03 AM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

I'm waiting for cracker-sized PB slices - until then, I'll just be content with my jar of Goober Grape and a spoon. Nom nom nom.

11:13 AM  
Blogger blythe said...

OMG. this makes me want to kill myself. and not in a good way. and i don't even like peanut butter.

11:36 AM  
Anonymous David said...

I saw this on Food TV the otehr day and my eyes almost poppd out of my head. BTW I wouldn't recommend fucking coma patients as you usally end up going to jail. Just a warning and not legal advice.

12:09 PM  
Blogger Jonathan T said...

As a current coma patient, I take offense to that comment. If I could get up and take this tube out of my frakkin' crotch, I'd kick your ass.

I'll forgive you if you take some of those PB slices, blend it with some jelly and hook it up to my IV.

1:10 PM  
Blogger stew said...

Yikes, what next, [outlandish scenario]???? ****

** i know, this is not even remotely original, but it cracks me up.

2:04 PM  
Blogger JDizzle said...

Now if they could only shrink wrap my shame.

3:11 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...


An easier way to make peanut butter and bacon sandwiches.

I was just waiting for the day they would do PB as slices when I saw pre-cooked individually wrapped bacon.

4:15 PM  
Blogger threetoedsloth said...

I could never see myself using these in peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I could, however, easily see myself eating them straight out of the plastic.

6:57 PM  

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