Friday, August 24, 2007

The ZFS! Guide to Anniversary Gifts, pt. 1

[Hi folks. CeCe Peniston asked me to keep an eye on the class while he gets the last of this hormone therapy has fun at the State Fair. I heard his and Girlfriend's prize hog is the finest in the county, and after it takes the ribbon I'm sure it will fetch a fair price at market. In the meantime, here's the first of four short pieces I've put together as a service to you, the community, in an effort to work off my public indecency charge. -Braden]

Anniversaries. What are they? Webster's Dictionary defines them as something, probably ... I didn't check. But you and I know your anniversary is nothing more than an excuse for the Card & Chocolate Barons to gobble up more of your precious coin. Just like other people's birthdays.

With that in mind, here's a few gift ideas for the budget/effort/sentiment-conscious significant other. Presenting ...

The ZFS! Guide to Anniversary Gifts

#1: The Nude Self-Portrait

Nothing says, "I want to push your comfort zone in immediate and unwelcome ways," quite like a blurry snapshot of your junk. That face she just made means "it" (i.e., your freshly shorn frame) is working.

Not an ace with the aperture? Don't even have the necessary equipment? Think again. If you've got a new-ish cell phone, chances are they stuck a camera in that thing. So grab your magic talky box and get to disrobin', because if I know a woman, the quickest way to her heart is through her man's "area".

Bonus points if you:

- Magic Marker her face next to a particularly interesting feature of your anatomy.

- Assemble photos of you from all angles and composite them to form a 3-D Virtual Tour of The Good Stuff.

- Make the picture an "action shot". You could be cooking lasagna, hugging her parents, pedaling the "Foothill Surprise" setting on her stationary bike ... have fun with it!

[Tomorrow: Part Two!]


Blogger lioux said...


My parents anniversary is coming up and now I know just what to get them.

12:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Clint forgot the number one rule in showbiz. Never ever ever have someone fill in for you while away that is better than you. And for him that means someone that writes funnier posts.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Braden said...

Lioux ... It's the gift that keeps on giving. Nightmares. Keeps on giving nightmares, gotta be clear on that.

Just Saying ... Much appreciated (even if Clint's kung-fu is in reality far, far stronger). I'd say I taught C-Dog everything he knows, but that's only because I found him in the woods ten years ago and literally had to teach him everything he knows.

3:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonderful thought, too bad I already send naked pics of myself to my pseudo-boyfriend when I'm bored. He should read this post though - in "return" for my self-pics, he feels obliged to send me the same boring, above-shot of his penis, which he takes in the bathroom at his work. I immediately erase them. Now if he gave me a life-size 3D image of himself, I'd laugh in a good way.

4:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You send naked pics of yourself to your Pseudo boyfriend. What exactly is that? Are you bored much? Got to love that coming from someone named darling nikki. I dated a girl by that name once. Well she didn’t have darling in front of it. Man was she good looking. Alas she never sent me pics.

Brandon – I always thought Clint had the wild grew up in the woods look about him.

5:47 PM  

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