Arbitrary Rulings 2

Robocop - Not the movie, the actual concept of a robotic cop. Bad idea, gotta say, if for no other reason than you can't offer to "take care" of a Robocop to get out of a speeding ticket. He doesn't care. He's a Robocop and, therefore, immune to your heaving bosom and suggestive hand motions. Also, the nation's police departments would go broke from all the cases of expensive, imported Robocop lube that would be required to keep them in crime-bustin' shape. And, I should point out that, in case you missed it, I said "lube." So let it be known, ZFS! is officially against any and all Robocops, forever and always. Their technology would be better suited for Roboprostitutes, anyway.

Neil Young - Say you've hated green olives all your adult life. Don't like the way they taste, don't like the way they smell, would rather eat a dog turd a foot long than eat a nasty, briny, ass-y green olive. Then, one day, quite by accident, you find yourself with a mouthful of green olives and, before you can spit them out and give chase to the bastard that shoved them in there, you find yourself thinking, "Hey, these green olives that are currently swirling around my palate... they're not so bad." You think it must be a mistake, you eat another. Then another. Soon, you've downed a whole jar of green olives and it's like someone kicked open a locked door in your brain to reveal a rich, heretofore unknown landscape of tasty excitement. For me, the green olives are Neil Young. Actually, the green olives are also green olives, because I just discovered that I like those too. But mainly, I'm talking about Neil Young. Turns out, I'm a fan. Who knew?

Pink - The color, not the popular teen-oriented singer (though I've got some issues with her, too). Okay, pink, here's the thing... it's not that you're a bad color. I mean, you make do girly birthday cakes and girly infants look all cute and... well... girly, and that's just fine. And when it's cold outside, you're a welcome color on all of our cheeks. For some reason, though, you feel the need to do more; to go beyond cakes, babies, and cheeks. Pink, I've seen you on clothes and that's unacceptable. Women and men are wearing you around like you're not an unappealing shade of red, and it's time for you to end this. Guys won't stop wearing you because they mistakenly enjoy looking either "fierce" or "like a douchebag," depending on their sexual preference. And girls won't stop wearing you because they're desperate to look younger than they actually are and, thus, won't stop swaddling themselves in a color meant for infants. I'm generalizing here, but you get my meaning. Pink, please, step away from our fashion. You're hurting everyone, but most of all, you're hurting yourself.

The Toothpick In My Sandwich That I Accidentally Just Bit Into - Omigod, what's wrong with you??? Are you trying to kill me??? I mean, yeah, thanks I guess for holding my sandwich together and everything, but seriously... fuck you for sticking around long enough to stab me in the mouth. And, yes, I could have pulled you out of the sandwich before I started eating you. But this isn't about me. This is about you and how you're an evil piece of wood that can go fuck itself for being so hard, pointy, and in my sandwich.

Slacks - There is not, nor will there ever be, a greater word in the English language than "Slacks."Say it with me now... SLACKS!!! It's like a hilarious linguistic vacation for your tongue and your brain. Oh, and the slacks themselves are nice too, particularly in black. Very slimming.