Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Arbitrary Rulings 2

Robocop - Not the movie, the actual concept of a robotic cop. Bad idea, gotta say, if for no other reason than you can't offer to "take care" of a Robocop to get out of a speeding ticket. He doesn't care. He's a Robocop and, therefore, immune to your heaving bosom and suggestive hand motions. Also, the nation's police departments would go broke from all the cases of expensive, imported Robocop lube that would be required to keep them in crime-bustin' shape. And, I should point out that, in case you missed it, I said "lube." So let it be known, ZFS! is officially against any and all Robocops, forever and always. Their technology would be better suited for Roboprostitutes, anyway.

Neil Young - Say you've hated green olives all your adult life. Don't like the way they taste, don't like the way they smell, would rather eat a dog turd a foot long than eat a nasty, briny, ass-y green olive. Then, one day, quite by accident, you find yourself with a mouthful of green olives and, before you can spit them out and give chase to the bastard that shoved them in there, you find yourself thinking, "Hey, these green olives that are currently swirling around my palate... they're not so bad." You think it must be a mistake, you eat another. Then another. Soon, you've downed a whole jar of green olives and it's like someone kicked open a locked door in your brain to reveal a rich, heretofore unknown landscape of tasty excitement. For me, the green olives are Neil Young. Actually, the green olives are also green olives, because I just discovered that I like those too. But mainly, I'm talking about Neil Young. Turns out, I'm a fan. Who knew?

Pink - The color, not the popular teen-oriented singer (though I've got some issues with her, too). Okay, pink, here's the thing... it's not that you're a bad color. I mean, you make do girly birthday cakes and girly infants look all cute and... well... girly, and that's just fine. And when it's cold outside, you're a welcome color on all of our cheeks. For some reason, though, you feel the need to do more; to go beyond cakes, babies, and cheeks. Pink, I've seen you on clothes and that's unacceptable. Women and men are wearing you around like you're not an unappealing shade of red, and it's time for you to end this. Guys won't stop wearing you because they mistakenly enjoy looking either "fierce" or "like a douchebag," depending on their sexual preference. And girls won't stop wearing you because they're desperate to look younger than they actually are and, thus, won't stop swaddling themselves in a color meant for infants. I'm generalizing here, but you get my meaning. Pink, please, step away from our fashion. You're hurting everyone, but most of all, you're hurting yourself.

The Toothpick In My Sandwich That I Accidentally Just Bit Into - Omigod, what's wrong with you??? Are you trying to kill me??? I mean, yeah, thanks I guess for holding my sandwich together and everything, but seriously... fuck you for sticking around long enough to stab me in the mouth. And, yes, I could have pulled you out of the sandwich before I started eating you. But this isn't about me. This is about you and how you're an evil piece of wood that can go fuck itself for being so hard, pointy, and in my sandwich.

Slacks - There is not, nor will there ever be, a greater word in the English language than "Slacks."Say it with me now... SLACKS!!! It's like a hilarious linguistic vacation for your tongue and your brain. Oh, and the slacks themselves are nice too, particularly in black. Very slimming.

16 Comments:

Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I'd like to see a pink slack wearing, Neil Young listening, Robocop who hates toothpicks. That'd be something.

3:31 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

I Love, Love, Love green olives.

In my martinis.

4:00 PM  
Anonymous Neil Young®™©™ said...

Keep on rockin', Clinton!

4:02 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

It took me quite awhile to get into any kind of olives, and when it happened, they were the purple ones. So I'm willing to allow the possibility of the greens one day being welcome in my mouth. I certainly put all other sorts of green veggies in there. Are olives veggies? Wait. Something tells me they might be a weird fruit.

4:06 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Brooklyn... I'm pitching that show to FOX tomorrow. Want a Producer credit?

Lioux... Indeed; martinis are the natural habitat of olives.

Neil Young... Thanks, Neil. Love "Harvest Moon," by the way.

Colleen... Yeah, I could see them being a fruit. They're just weird enough to psych us out like that.

4:27 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

i was going to leave a super witty and wonderful comment as per usual, but then i started thinking about harvest moon and now i have a tear in my eye. who knew?

4:32 PM  
Anonymous David said...

What are your thoughts an olive skewered with one of those fake toothpicks made to look like a swords sitting at the bottom of a glass of pink gin? And don’t be a slack-er on this one and not answer it because it is the end of the day. I have noticed that you don’t reply to end of day comments. Is that a ZFS policy or after a night of hard drinking and passionate drunken television watching and sex, do you just not feel they are not worth answering. If either is the case what is your cutoff time so I can stop wasting my valuable time that instead could be spending it writing the book that will outsell the Bible.

5:09 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Blythe... That's the song that made me go, "Whoa. Maybe there's something to this Neil Young fella after all." Tear in my eye? I'll never tell. (but yes, there totally is)

David... Have we not discussed how horribly lazy I am? Especially when I get within the confines of my apartment, with it's couches and beds and well-stocked liquor cabinet? Well, luckily for you, I'm at work late tonight so I can answer your question (and I'm choosing to ignore your needlessly demanding tone... for now): I think plastic swords are awesome, whether they've got olives skewered on them or not.

5:15 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Olives are a fruit.

I actually hated olives as well, until I began drinking.

I would go out on Friday nights, and be hungover on Saturday but not able to eat anything.

I still had to bartend Saturday night and by the time I got to work, the fruit tray would suddenly turn in to the Alcoholics Buffet.

Many a Saturdays were spent noshing on lemons, oranges, olives and Maraschino cherries.

Oh and orange is the new pink, even though pink is rad. [I used to hate pink, but now I don't mind certain shades of it].

Plus pink and tan go smashingly together.

Like on my Burberry slacks.

5:16 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

oh big daddy - nothing has made me laugh harder in days than the thought of the garnish set up as an alcoholic's buffet. fucking priceless, dude.

you have burberry slack? i knew i liked you.

9:02 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I called a "doctor on call" once when I swallowed part of a sandwich-toothpick.

He wasn't very helpful.

9:18 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Blythe - it's funny because it's true.

All that sugar and sodium is a great hangover cure.

Well, that and to keep drinking.

I actually meant Burberry shirt, but cool!

1:53 PM  
Blogger stew said...

I once worked with a guy who often used the phrase "a dress slack." as in: "I wonder what to wear to the office party? Maybe a dress slack." "Is it ok to wear a dress slack to a black tie party?" "I bought a nice grey dress slack this weekend."

When I killed him, the jury let me go with hugs and umbrella drinks.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Is 'dress slacks' ok, Stew?

5:13 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

I prefer charcoal to black... but we can still be friends.

12:16 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Totally. Charcoal's definitely cool too. I just like black because it works harder at disguising my fat ass from the eyes of the world

12:24 PM  

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