Wednesday, September 05, 2007

An Example Of My Mythic Powers Of Perception

NOTE: This actually happened two nights ago but, in the interest of easy storytelling, we're going to pretend that it happened last night. I'm sure you won't mind this little history rewrite because, as is my understanding, you're all the most awesome people ever to own computers. And besides, we all know that time is not a fixed construct, all facts are malleable to one's own fiction and, of course, this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want. Snap!

Let me set the scene:

It's 4:30am and I've just woken up in my darkened apartment. Girlfriend sleeps beside me, our cat sleeps at the foot of the bed. I need to pee, badly, so I gently slide out from under the covers and head for the bathroom. Thus far, nothing is unusual. I stumble through our apartment, half-asleep and entirely handsome, unaware that I'm but seconds away from a brush with... DANGER!!!

I enter my office, en route to the john (our apartment is railroad-style), and, with the suddenness of a car crash, I'm aware that something is amiss. My whole body goes on Red Alert and I immediately spring up into the Crane Kick position, ready to unleash a deadly blow to the face of whatever enemy is lurking in the darkness. I am also prepared, if necessary, to sweep the leg. However, I hear nothing; no pistols being cocked, no knuckles being cracked in anticipation of a punch, no giggles at my usage of the word "cocked." Nothing. And yet, because I'm mythically perceptive, I'm positive that something is still very, very wrong.

Slowly, I drop the Crane Kick position; yes, doing so leaves me vulnerable to a sneak Cobra Kai attack, but dammit, that's a risk I have to take. I take a step into the room. Then another. Then...


Glass. Underfoot. A lot of it. I reach behind me and flick on the light (which, granted, is probably something I should have done a lot sooner; sense of perception and not being an idiot are two different things). I take it all in and, using my brilliant skills of deduction, I conclude that a light bulb has fallen from it's socket on the ceiling down to the floor, where it then smashed like all those ice blocks during that one scene in... Karate Kid 2, maybe... the one where he was in China, or Japan, or whatever. Anyway, I swept the glass from my feet, and then I swept it all up from the floor, making my office once again safe for all feet everywhere. Or, rather, Girlfriend and my feet in our apartment. You catch my drift though.

At any rate, it was then, finally, that I was able to go pee with a peaceful mind, secure in the knowledge that my mythical sense of perception had saved the day and, possibly... the world?

No. Not the world. However, it did save me from walking across a roomful of broken glass, and that right there is worth it's weight Karate Kid references.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh Mr. Genius Karate guy how did the light go on if it was all over the floor?

9:55 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

My office comes equipped with two, count 'em, TWO light bulbs, only one of which had burned out and fallen. We're very modern like that.

9:57 AM  
Blogger stew said...

this is terrifying. I didn't know bulbs could just fall out. In fact, I'm pretty sure they can't. I think you were attacked by a sorta-lame terrorist. That's how they do now: apartment by apartment. With light bulbs.

10:13 AM  
Blogger Ross said...

I think you need to launch an investigation into the source of this light bulb just flying out of the socket. Maybe you need to be in crane kick position for a few days while you investigate the source (I'm laughing at the image of you keeping the position while questioning the usual suspects...Girlfriend, the cat, etc).

10:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Because of a recent incident regarding Clint and myself of which is secret and neither of us can talk about, I can vouch for his really having mystic powers. I have been amazed by his degree of mysticalness.

10:21 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Stew... Why do the terrorists hate me? Oh, it's because I'm so free, it's amazing. That's why.

Ross... Yeah, I don't know what happened. But our cat has been a little shifty-eyed lately.

David... David discovered that I'm a Ghostbuster. That's right: Ghostbusters are real. Prove they're not!!!

10:43 AM  
Blogger Braden said...

I too have mystical powers of perception. Remember when they killed off Hal Holbrook's character in Designing Women? I "somehow" (wink*) totally knew that he would show up again as Evan Evans in Evening Shade.

* NOTE: I just winked.

11:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

See, my mind immediately comes to one of two possible conclusions: someone was breaking into your place, and tried to loosen the lightbulb so they could be all covert or something, but it fell and broke, and they hauled ass out of there; either that, or you have a trickster poltergeist in your apartment who decided to unscrew your bulb and drop it on the floor, hoping you'd walk on it on your way to the john. Both situations are equally worrisome. I'd say, hope for the poltergeist! (Being that you're a Ghostbuster and all)

Way impressive Crane Kick stance, though it is no match for my Spinning Bird Kick. Haidukon! (or however you spell that)

11:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope it was not one of those curly bulbs that are supposed to last forever otherwise you have about two days to live because of the mercury poisoning.

11:57 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Braden... You scare me!!!

Giggleloop... It was probably Slimer. He's such a scamp!

Just Saying... Awesome, I was looking for something to be paranoid about for the rest of the day.

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hopefully you're just kidding, Just Saying, because I've cleaned up 2 of those broken curly florescent bulbs in my life thus far. Although I don't think I cut myself on them... *sweats*

12:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh no not kidding, read the labels they are very bad. Hold your breath and open up the windows. And don't tell the EPA otherwise you will have an environmental disaster site declared in your abode. Although I don’t think you will die from them unless maybe you are huffing their contents. Might produce some mutant offspring but hey who wouldn’t want little mutants running around.

1:00 PM  
Blogger stew said...

oh, great, I read this blog and now I'm going to fucking die. Thanks a whole hell of a lot, everyone.

1:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least you will now know why you die. And just think if you come back as a ghost Clint can bust you.

1:34 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

It's true, I will. Because, and I think you all know this is true, I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

1:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, you stepped on glass?!?! Ouch, I would have been such a baby after tearing the shit out of my foot that I would have made girlfriend (or in my case, pseudo-boyfriend) take care of the mess. You are so brave!

1:55 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

And manly... Don't forget manly.

1:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can someone please explain a pseudo-boyfriend. It's not something that takes batteries is it.

2:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said... my case, my pseudo-boyfriend is someone that I sleep with, drink with, cuddle with, watch movies, etc. We do all of those couple-like things, except I avoid meeting his family, because meeting the fam would make us "official," and then there's something on the line. I don't actually call him my "pseudo-boyfriend" to his face, but I certainly don't call him my boyfriend.

2:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was certainly interesting for me to read the article. Thanx for it. I like such topics and anything connected to this matter. I definitely want to read a bit more on that blog soon.

5:29 AM  

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