Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Talking To Monks About Music

So, yesterday, I caught up with my monk buddies after they got done with their protest. I had a very important question to ask them and the conversation went exactly like this:

C-dog: Whassup, my main monks!
Monk 1: Hello, C-dog. Many blessings upon your family.
Monk 2: May you live a long and prosperous life. Beer me.
C-dog: Sure, catch! So how'd the protest go down?
Monk 2: Same old shit, different day. Makes me wish I'd been reincarnated as a musk ox or something. Beats hanging out in the town square trying to calm this crazy fucker down.
Monk 1: Dude, I already apologized for losing my shit, okay. I just get all raged out when the government starts puttin' it's foot on the neck of my people, choking the life from our bodies while it laughs and laughs and laughs and LAUGHS-
C-dog: Hey man, take a deep breath.
Monk 1: Sorry, sorry...
Monk 2: You see what I have to deal with?
Monk 1: Hey, I'm just a passionate guy. Can't help it; I'm part Italian.
C-d0g: Anyway, monks, I got a question for you.
Monk 2: Shoot.
C-dog: Alright, so you know how I really dig cover songs?
Monk 1: Of course. There's something about a classic and/or popular song that has been reworked in a new, interesting way that really gets your toes a-tappin'.
Monk 2: What, are you Exposition Monk all of a sudden?
Monk 1: Eat me. At least I didn't fart during the morning chant.
Monk 2: Omigod, fuck you, you said you wouldn't bring that up!
Monk 1: Step off my nuts and maybe that's the last time you'll hear about it.
C-dog: Guys, guys... seriously... I got a question for you.
Monk 2: (under his breath) Such a fucking prick... Anyway, yes. Cover songs. What's up?
C-dog: Okay, so I was thinking about how much I love cover songs and it occurred to me... I don't know what exactly is the best cover song ever recorded.
Monk 1: Sid Vicious singing "My Way." No question.
Monk 2: Are you fucking retarded? Sid Vicious was a mentally ill murder who barely knew where he was most of the time. Listening to him screech out Sinatra was like watching a bus full of ten-year-old musical prodigies drive off a cliff and crash land on a pile of The Greatest Generation's most precious memories.
Monk 1: You have no respect for punk rock and you never have! Gah!!! Why the fuck do I hang out with your ignorant ass?
Monk 2: Yeah, yeah...
C-dog: Man, aren't you guys supposed to be all peace and love and shit?
Monk 2: This guy would make Buddha want to take a swing at him. Alright, C-dog, so what's your question?
C-dog: Okay, my question is this: Would it be possible for you guys to use your awesome monk powers to help me figure out just what, exactly, is the best cover song of all time?

(the monks are momentarily silent)

Monk 1: Um, like, do you even know how being a monk works?
Monk 2: Because it's not like being a wizard or something.
C-dog: What, you guys don't like commune with the spirits? Get answers to important questions from the great cosmic beyond?
Monk 2: Dude, you gotta lay off the Sci-Fi Network.
Monk 1: Okay first, I already told you what the greatest cover song of all time was-
Monk 2: Oh please.
Monk 1: Fuck off! And second, we meditate with the hopes of achieving enlightenment, but we don't ever actually achieve enlightenment because man is imperfect and therefore is unable to truly connect with the holy deities.
Monk 2: Plus, if we did, we'd be out of a job.
Monk 1: Exactly. But look... we like you, C-dog. You're totally awesome and you're always willing to help us move we get evicted from our temple.
Monk 2: Yeah, and those golden Buddha statues aren't light, ya know. You da man!
C-dog: Holla!
Monk 1: So I'll tell you what... I think I know of a way that we humble-ass monks can help you find the answers that you seek. We may not be wizards, but we still have a few tricks up the sleeves of our loose-fitting robes.

So we went back to their ashram and once there, they made this big, hairy deal about showing me the mystical, monks-only portal to the realms of music which turned out to be just an old PC where they'd bookmarked YouTube. Anyway, long story short, we've begun our quest for the best cover song of all time. It's going to be a long road, but so far this is what we've come up with:

Pretty damn awesome, if you ask me. Those monks really know their shit. Anyway, we'll keep at it. And if any of you guys got some suggestions, feel free to speak up.


Blogger stew said...

those monks learned a lot of bad words at their monk frat, for real. do they kiss the feet of the poor with those mouths?

I prefer Hayseed Dixie's Gin and Juice myself, but what do I know? I'm no monk. I do look awesome in orange, though.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I think it was The Gourds that did the "Gin and Juice" cover. Or am I wrong? Well, whatever... I look awesome in orange too. Prison orange. I'm an inmate; have I mentioned that?

10:29 AM  
Anonymous Charlotte said...

For an inmate, you sure have a good sense of humor. Funny stuff as awalys!!!

11:08 AM  
Blogger stew said...

I am so embarrassed I know this, but it was Hayseed Dixie. They did it live often back when there was a popular trend called taping and a thing called Napster and the Gourds were still staring glassy-eyed at the Nelson posters on their bedroom walls (ooh, SNAP!). And then the Gourds came and recorded it and now HD doesn't do it. Thanks for killing the joke, you fucking Gourds.

There are still hard copies of the Hayseed rap compilation and I have mine somewhere and it rules.

I'll take the next question in "Newgrass" for eight hundred, Alex.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Charlotte... Gracias, yo!

Stew... Ah, well, there you go. Sorry to have doubted. I'd love to hear their version of it, but sounds like that'll be hard to come by. Sad face.

11:32 AM  
Blogger stew said...

you are welcome to root around in my basement. also, if you can get it off the dead hard drive in my dead laptop, I will let you have it AND all the porn stored thereon.

12:18 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Can I be your plus one to the next Monk fiesta? I bet those guys party hard.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Stew... You had me at "porn." Pick me up the airport?

Brooklyn... Totally, but bring some beer or they won't let you in the door.

12:41 PM  
Blogger stew said...

ok, I'll be outside the doors of baggage claim, and if you can bring some fresh NYC crack, that'd be great.

ps sorry for killing your comment thread today. my bad.

4:47 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Please. If anything killed this comment thread, it was me having a conversation with myself in the guise of two monks.

Do you want regular crack, or citrus flavored?

5:04 PM  
Blogger stew said...

yeah, citrus. more vitamins.

Two monks walk into a bar. One goes "ow."

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Sadly.

10:52 AM  

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