Monday, September 24, 2007

Movie Stars And Movies

Movie Stars

NOTE: Okay, technically, there's only one movie star in this story. However, I thought that the plurality had a much nicer ring to it, and I'm sure you agree. If not... if you feel like you've been lied to this early in the morning by my deceptive use of pluralization... well, let me just tell you from the bottom of my pork fat-clogged heart that I never meant you harm and that I was merely trying to achieve the Power of the Plural, which is a concept I just came up with as a direct result of me not having my coffee yet. Anyway, let's all now move beyond this hurtful incident and try to reclaim a little bit of our innocence, like back when we were kids by the lake. I think there was some sailing and maybe a tire swing. Or...something... What were we talking about?

So, Saturday, Girlfriend and I decided to go catch a movie. We had some time to kill before it started, so Girlfriend decided to get her browse on at the The Strand while I forged ahead to pick up our tickets. As I approached the theater, I noticed a couple of guys standing outside, poring over a copy of the Village Voice, apparently attempting to decide which movie they should go see. One of them was instantly familiar to me, but I couldn't place the face. He was scruffy, with a beard, shabby clothes, and a UCLA ball cap pulled low over his eyes. Still, though, there was something immediately recognizable about him... yet I couldn't get it to click. So I went in, waited in line, bought my tickets, and exited the theater to relocate my girlfriend. But the guys are still standing there. I looked at the guy again, the familiar one, his face in profile, and I realized that would bug me all day if I didn't figure out who this guy was. So, since I don't wear a watch, I used the old, "Hey buddy, you know what time it is?" excuse to get all up in his grill. He looked at me, right in the eye, and very pleasantly said, "Oh yeah, it's two o'clock."


I said thank you and I walked away, secure in the knowledge that Leonardo DiCaprio had just given me the time.

Anyway, I thought it was kind of cool. Not, it should be noted, as cool as the time I helped Nicholas Cage shop for old Ray Harryhausen movies when I worked at a video store in the East Village (true story), but still... a pretty nifty brush with someone much, much, much more famous and wealthy than I. Oh, and for the record, I'm really not even that big a fan of Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm just a huge starfucker, as it turns out. Look, my point is, Leonardo DiCaprio and I are best friends now and I'll probably be a part of his entourage until forever. See ya in Hollywood, beeyotches!!!


2ND NOTE: Two mini-reviews for the price of one. That's right, you have to pay me now that I'm all famous-by-association. Fork over the cash and/or delicious baked goods!!!

Across The Universe - I would have fucking loved this movie when I was sixteen. Like, the scary, irritating kind of love that happens when Drama Club geeks invest themselves emotionally into a given entertainment property. As it happens though, I'm not sixteen anymore, so a movie about young love in the 60's that's told almost entirely through Beatles tunes just isn't going to have the same delirious effect on me. Which is not to say that I didn't like it; I totally did. The concept worked way better than it had any real right to and, if nothing else, Across The Universe manages the not-small feat of recontextualizing a bunch of songs that we've all heard a million times before. This a great thing for a lot of reasons, not the least of which being that it gives me an excuse to use the word "recontextualize" and have it sound like I actually know what I'm talking about. If you're a Beatles fan or if you're still able to tap in, if only briefly, to that part of your brain that remembers what sixteen was like, you should check this out. Not everything in the movie works 100%, but most of it does and, all things considered, it's really quite cool.

The Host - I know I'm a little late to the party on this one, but whatever. The awesome people always arrive late, usually with a booze restock and tons of hilarious stories that kick the party into overdrive so fast that all of a sudden it's dawn and everyone realizes that they just had a night out that they're going to use as an example when their grand kids ask them to explain the idea of "fun." Right, anyway... The Host, an action/horror/comedy/drama from Korea, takes the concept of American popcorn films and shoves it right back up our asses. The only movie I can compare it to is Jaws, but that's not really very accurate because the giant, mutant fish-monster in this movie would eat Jaws like an hors d'oeuvre. The monster in this is sick, totally, and what's cool is that the monster isn't the only gun that The Host has in it's arsenal. There's a real, live heart beating beneath the rampage and destruction and it will make you want to kick Transformers square in their metal nuts. Check it out, but be sure to warm up your mouth beforehand so you don't pull a muscle going "Wow" every five minutes.


Blogger Mr. Shain said...

i asked Leo, and he said he doesn't know who the fuck you are. also, he was confused about what a "blog" was.

9:37 AM  
Blogger Cray said...

"blog" is internet slang for "Hitting you repeatedly in the head with a tack hammer"

9:39 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Mr. Shain... He's just kidding. He loves me!!! We're boyfriends and we go shopping and cook dinners and stuff. Prove we don't!

Cray... I thought "blog" meant "I enjoy wasting my own time, as well as the time of anyone who happens to stumble upon this site while looking for porn at 3am."

9:52 AM  
Blogger Cray said...

Ohhhhh, blog. I thought he said Serial Killer.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

No worries... an easy mistake.

10:05 AM  
Blogger blythe said...

holy shit! this is why i have to move. i'm so effing tired ot toby keith using me as his timepiece.

11:18 AM  
Blogger The Artist Formally Known as Midwesterner in NYC said...

See, I thought I was cool because I met Alan Alda last night. Getting the time from Leo completely trumps that.

12:17 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Blythe... You should start charging for your time-keeping services. Lord knows he's got the money for it.

Midwesterner... I don't know, meeting Alan Alda's pretty fucking cool. He's long been one of my favorite celebs, and the closest I've ever gotten to him was the back row of the theater when he was in Glengary Glenross. Your new name is awesome!

1:43 PM  
Blogger The Artist Formally Known as Midwesterner in NYC said...

He gave a lecture last night at the 92nd st Y and then had a meet and greet after. He signed my book. Very pleasent dude, and very funy.

3:29 PM  
Blogger The Artist Formally Known as Midwesterner in NYC said...

pleasent = pleasant
funy = funny

3:31 PM  
Blogger CrimsonKing2000 said...

I'm sixteen and I don't care about Across the Universe. BTW, it's not even being shown in Colorado, but they've been advertising it like crazy. Yeah, like I'm gonna fly to another state to see a friggin' movie.

9:21 PM  
Anonymous eric the beehivehairdresser said...

Did Leo's eyes have a twinkle in it when he spoke?

9:50 PM  
Blogger Quin said...

did he ask for your number?

10:34 AM  

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