Arbitrary Rulings 4

Life-Changing Experiences - This is what we're all looking for, I think. Something that shakes up the sno-globe of our life and lets the individual particles of fake snow fall into new and interesting patterns we've never seen before. But you have to be careful with life-changing experiences, especially with the ones that involve, to any degree, Jesus. Now, I've got nothing against the guy... seemed like a cool dude and, hey, that whole water-into-wine thing was all class... but the problem is, he has a certain effect on people that can take your normal, everyday bartenders or data entry clerks or medical professionals and turn them into assholes who can't carry on a conversation about anything without shoehorning in talk of our "lord and savior." You don't want to be these kind of people, trust me, because no one will want to hang out with you except for other Jesus-y types and then that's all you'll talk about and it becomes a big circle of self-defeating sadness that ends up with a relative trying to beat you to death with your own Bible. I've seen it happen and it ain't pretty. Anyway, when you're looking for a life-changing experience, you should really shoot for something along the lines of world travel, Spacecamp, or sex with a guy or gal of a different ethnicity than your own. Or hell, all three at once; ain't no party like a Spacecamp party!!! WOOOO!!!!!

Staple Removers - Gotta love an office supply that can double as the vampire enemy of your favorite hand puppet. Because, you see, it's got sharp... pointy bits that... look like... teeth... anyone? Anyone??? Fine. Fuck y'all. When the International Society for Awesome Hand Puppet Enthusiasts (the ISAHPE) meets up for our annual walk-a-thon/chili showdown/puppet-off, none of you bastards are invited. And it's going to be a blast, too; Old Man McGovern's going to bring out his puppet pal, Mr. Socksley, and they're going to sing a duet of "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart." And he never does that bit anymore!!! So you're totally missing out, is all I'm sayin'. Bastards.

Frosted Mini-Wheats - This is going to be at least as controversial a statement as John Lennon claiming that The Beatles were more popular than Jesus, but I'm here to tell you right now that Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats is the best cereal on the market today. Yes, Lucky Charms has made a strong showing in recent years, and I've heard some good things about that cereal that's supposed to taste like Oreos, but at the end of the day (or first thing in the morning, rather), in my bowl you'll find nothing but some Frosted Mini-Wheats and occasionally some milk. They've got everything: Sweetness, fiber, a satisfying crunch... it doesn't need a bunch of tarty marshmallows or neon colors to whore up Breakfast. It just has to be itself, and that's all we, as a global village of unique individuals, will ever need.

"Bad Babysitter" by Princess Superstar - I don't really do the whole "rap" thing. I'm almost comically white, so me listening to rap music is as incongruous as an old man drinking a Red Bull or a heroin addict giving a lecture on nutrition. However, occasionally... very occasionally... a rap song will penetrate the layers and layers of Death Cab for Cutie and Gram Parsons tunes and lodge itself firmly into my brain like that thing that Arnold Schwarzenegger pulled out of his nose in Total Recall. This, my lovelies, is such a song. Now, I'm sure there's a whole college thesis that one could write on the fact that Princess Superstar is white, therefore, subconsciously I feel it's acceptable for me to like her music... I don't think that's the case, though. I think it has more to do with the fact that she's a really hot-in-a-trashy-way chick singing about lewd things cleverly to a catchy beat. Or, at least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

NOTE: The video linked above is *slightly* NSFW, due to language and Princess Superstar in some skimpy outfits. Like that's a bad thing.

Being Broke - There are few things more lame, I think we can all agree. Because when you're broke, the whole world suddenly wants to hang out at an awesome bar and eat buffalo wings and, sure, you'll go because it don't cost nuthin' to just hang out but... it's not the same, is it? You think it'll be cool; you'll eat a peanut butter sandwich before you head out and you'll nurse one beer all night or, if times are really tough, a glass of ice water, and everyone will just be thrilled you showed up. But slowly you'll find yourself studying the jukebox by the bathrooms, or you'll realize you've been watching the muted ballgame on the TV above the bar for the last half hour. Then it will hit you that watching everyone else get liquored up and rowdy is making you more depressed than you would have been had you just stayed home and watched slasher movies like you'd originally planned. In other words, being broke makes you antisocial, no fun, and it's pretty much the worst thing that can happen to a late-20's individual that doesn't involve getting run down by a city bus at a crosswalk. Frankly, and I'm sure that I speak for everyone, being broke can go fuck right off. So there... good... now we'll never have to hear of people being broke again. I told it! *snap*