Tuesday, October 02, 2007

My Talk Show Experience

Some of you know this already, but I was recently invited to be the first guest on season 2 of America's favorite internet-based, Heartland-themed talk show, Midwesterner’s Guide To Living In New York City. It was a great honor to be asked, and I really owe it all to the dogged persistence of my wonderful agent, one Mr. Danny Rose, who kept my name and this blog in the faces of the Midwesterner booking staff until they couldn't help but take notice. I think he may have also held some of their pets and important heart medicines hostage until they inked the deal, but that's all unconfirmed. Danny, keep workin' hard for my money, okay! Love ya, ya crazy so-and-so!!!

Anyway, so I'm sure you're all dying to know what it's like to actually be there... to experience firsthand the behind-the-scenes action of the MGTLINYC show. Well, sadly, I've spent the last three days locked in a room signing all sorts of confidentiality agreements, so I can't say just a whole lot (they're very concerned about "the trademarked Midwestern magic" getting out, though from what I saw, "the trademarked Midwestern magic" appears to be nothing more than an ungodly volume of Diet Mountain Dew consumed as quickly and as close to airtime as possible). But, regardless, here's a few tidbits of information that I, the humble guest, can pass along about what will surely be regarded as one of the greatest shows ever to pass before our eyes via cancer-causing beams of light...


-The Green Room was stocked with Slim Jims, beer, and a large bowl of Cheez-Its. My requests for a piece of fresh fruit were ignored, denied, and finally met with violence.

-Okay, I never asked for fresh fruit. I ate twelve Slim Jims, dove headfirst into the Cheez-Its, and washed it down with so much beer that I don't technically remember what happened in the interview. I think I told a story about farting... not sure, though...

-They keep McGinley in a cage made from the bones of interns that dared make eye-contact with Midwesterner.

-NEVER make eye-contact with Midwesterner.

-None of the house band-members speak English. They do carry knives, however, which they let do all the talkin'. If you catch my drift.

-Tom Wopat was hanging around all day, even though it was clear he was going to be cut from the show. He looked really bad, too. I think he might sleep in the alley behind the studio, because every time he mentioned "home," he'd gesture broadly to the emergency exit at the back corner of the building. He smelled like old socks.

-That cornfield is real. Like, there's farmers back there. I'm pretty sure I saw the band's drummer working a back-hoe as I was leaving for the night.

-Even though I knew I was on a big-budget talk show that's adored by millions, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was in some guy's living room that had been dressed up with lots of sheets and Christmas lights. Also, the Green Room... it really just seemed like a card table set up in small bathroom. Well, I'm sure it was just me.

Anyway, a good time was had by all (me), and I look forward to my next visit to Midwesterner’s Guide To Living In New York City. Thanks again, Midwesterner!!!


Blogger NYCPonderings Chick said...

that was truly hysterical and just made my bleek tuesday morning

10:03 AM  
Anonymous Press release from the MGTLINYC show said...

clinton is a wonderful guest and is a true gentleman, right now we will not be discussing the confidentiality agreement he broke or any pending legal action.

10:21 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

MYCponds... Why thank you. It should also be noted that it is entirely true. Entirely. Someone needs to lend Tom Wopat some money.

MGTLINYC Press Office... Everything that I said in this post was meant entirely in jest. Entirely. None of it is true. Don't break my knees!!!

12:30 PM  
Blogger Cray said...

My Hooked on Phonics tapes must be working. I understood over half of that post.

11:20 PM  

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