Thursday, October 04, 2007

Awesome Old Men 3

NOTE: This is part three in ZFS!'s ongoing celebration of our nation's greatest resource... The Awesome Old Man. You can find parts 1 and 2 here and here, respectively.


Panky lives in a one-room shack out by the dump, but he always smells like Old Spice and he wears clothes cleaner than most of the stock at your local Gap. Why? Because Panky loves the ladies down at the Senior Citizen's home and he's not going to let the fact that he lives next to a gigantic pile of trash get in the way of him getting up close to Ethel and Gretta and Mavis (preferably all three at once, he'll tell you, while winking with his good eye and tugging on his bandanna in a comical manner). It should also be noted that Panky once ate a rattlesnake while it was still alive, just to show the animal kingdom who it shouldn't fuck with.

Star Sailor Sam

To this day, the very mention of Timothy Leary's name sends Star Sailor Sam into a violent rage. Or, rather, as violent rage as can be mustered by a guy who's smoked more weed in his lifetime than all the college freshmen in all the dorms of the world. Star Sailor Sam claims up and down that it was he who invented LSD, that he did it with four basic household ingredients, and that Leary stole his recipe the morning after they'd gobbled up twelve blotters and had a long round-table debate about politics with all of the cushions from the couch. It should also be noted that Star Sailor Sam once lived in a tree to protest the deforestation of the Pacific Northwest, not noticing that the tree in which he chose to perch was located in the back forty of an apple orchard in Maine. He stayed there for five years before the dope ran out and he got bored.


There's your average grizzled loner, and then there's Chuck. Chuck is so rough and solemn, he was once mistaken for a hitching post in a small town near the capital of Montana. He stood there for 18 hours with three horses tied around his neck and then, when the owners came back to retrieve their mounts, all he asked for in return was, "a packet of smokes, a bottle of Beam, and a picture of a lovely lady to gaze upon during the night's long hours." It should also be noted that Chuck once watched the Lonesome Dove miniseries, declared them all pussies, and then tracked down and beat the shit out of Robert Duval for disgracing the cowboy name.


You know Jackie Chan? Think he's a bad ass? Well you haven't met Chang, the man who taught Jackie Chan everything he needed to know about kicking people in the face and singing hit Chinese pop songs. There are stories around his village that claim that the reason Dragons don't exist anymore is because one of them said something offensive about Chang's mother. There's no proof of course, except that Chang's got some boots that look an awful lot like they're made from Dragon scales. It should also be noted that Chang hates Chinese food and spends all the money he earns getting burritos shipped to his house daily.


Vincent drinks. A lot. He drinks the way Valedictorians study for exams; he will only accept an A+, and anything less just simply will not do. Talking to Vincent, though, you'd never know that he's got half of Tennessee's bourbon coursing through his bloodstream. The man can talk baseball better than Bob Costas, music better than Lester Bangs, and sex better than Ron Jeremy. Sure, his breath reeks like a bar's bathroom, but it's all good; just turn your nose away from the hot, acrid blasts and get ready to have a conversation so awesome, you'll find yourself falling in love with an 85-year-old man. It should also be noted that one time, Vincent's favorite brand of booze went out of business, causing Vincent to begin a life of crime robbing banks until he'd stolen enough money to relaunch the company. Jack Daniels is forever in his debt, which they constantly repay with free product and a lifetime of bail money.


Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

Star Sailor Sam looks like a haggard 42 year old man.

9:31 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Which is weird, because Star Sailor Same is in his late 70's. He owes his looks to the preservational properties of all the chemicals he's ingested over the years.

9:43 AM  
Blogger Quin said...

i'm impressed enough to continue with you in this journalistic journey.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Cray said...

...and I'm easily scared by old asian men. You know they're just waiting to kick your ass when your back is turned!

1:44 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

Did you break into my family album? Where did you find photos of uncle Pete, and Grandpa Willie, and Opa?!?!?

4:59 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I've got some hanky to go with his Panky.

5:38 PM  
Blogger Heresiarch said...

regarding the legacy of psychedelics:

9:34 PM  

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