Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Awesome Old Men: A Tribute

I'm fine with being 26 and all, but what I really want to be is an awesome old man. Awesome old men could give a shit and aren't afraid to let you know it. They're often drunk, they are prone to dancing weird, loose-limbed jigs at street fairs, and they know absolutely everything about everything worth knowing. Also, they tell stories about WWII that are so graphic and disturbing, both in terms of violence and sexual content, that your hair will turn white. And you'll be on your way to being an awesome old man:

Salty Carl



Salty Carl can still kick your ass, despite the fact that he's in his 70's and hasn't had a regular bowel movement in fifteen years. He's freakishly strong, refuses to retire from his job on the docks and once punched out a shark while clinging to a piece of driftwood in the South Seas. He drinks rum out of an old, cracked jelly jar and knows what it feels like to take a sculling oar broadside across the face in a bar fight.

Ollie



Ollie invented a new kind of algebra, wrote thirteen novels about time travel and nailed Rita Hayworth at a house party up on Mullholland back in the early 50's. He drinks black coffee, eats sausage at every meal and when he farts, he says "Damn, I swallowed a trombone!" loud enough for the neighbors to hear. And they laugh everytime because Ollie is fucking hilarious.

Paddy O'Shaunnesy



Paddy will tell you that he came over from the old country becase "Irish ladies are crap in bed." He worked all his life in a haberdashery and he drinks a bottle of whiskey a day. When he's drunk, he sings showtunes better than most of the people on Broadway and he's famous on the Lower East Side for once telling Fiorello LaGuardia to go fuck himself.

Bones Jones



Owned a pawn shop for twenty-five years that got burned down as the finale to his retirement party that lasted three days. Doesn't have his own place; he sleeps on a cot in the back of his favorite bar. He's there all the time anyway. He loves old zydeco and bluegrass music, even though he's never been farther south than Philly, and his grandkids all grew up to be famous athletes due to his self-proclaimed "dynamite sperm." He once smoked pot with Soupy Sales and knows every dirty joke ever written.

Braden and Clinton



I have a camera that only takes pictures of the future and this is me (on the right) and my boy Braden in the year 2065. We're neighbors in the same housing development in Sheepshead Bay and we play a lot of horseshoes, drink a lot of pale ale, and occasionally film ourselves getting into fistfights in an ongoing quest to get on America's NEW Funniest Home Videos. We eat a lot of ham.

3 Comments:

Blogger CrimsonKing said...

LMFAO!! You could write for MAD magazine! I think my favorite one is Bones Jones.

9:24 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Aw, you're sweet. Thanks!

11:14 AM  
Anonymous Braden said...

Is that picture of us on the Wonder Wheel?

I can't remember who's crapping who's pants.

11:36 PM  

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