Hors D'oeuvres For Dinner

Because of an office holiday party on Wednesday and a cocktail reception before a critic's screening on Thursday, I've had roughly 382 pounds of hors d'oeuvres in the last two days. This isn't a bad thing, I guess... free food is free food, no matter how tiny the portions or whether it's eaten off a stick while standing around awkwardly. Still, not such a big fan of eating dinner this way. There's nothing that makes you feel more like a fatty than returning to the same plate of mini-spring rolls for the fifth time. In the case of the holiday party, they actually had servers bringing around trays of food and, by the time I'd gotten on a first name basis with some of them, I began to feel a bit like Jabba the Hutt.

Anyway, here now, is a rundown of the high (and low) lights of my hors d'oeuvre dinners.

Mini-Crab Cakes:
Blah. They tasted like Mrs. Paul's fishsticks, but cut into smaller pieces and served with a dipping sauce that reminded me of ketchup that's lost it's will to live. Very fake-fishy tasting; like something from a weekend-angler's tackle box.

Sliced Filet Mignon on a Toast Round W/ Horseradish Sauce:
Holy yum!!! The server carting these bad boy's around had to take out a restraining order against me. I'd seriously eat a a hobo's leg if you put enough horseradish on it.

Chicken on a Stick with Peanut Sauce:
Not a huge fan of peanut sauce as a general rule, but that's mainly because most peanut sauces tasted like melted Jif. This was no exception, but the chicken was well seasoned and if you got just a drop of the sauce on it, it was like a Bollywood movie in your mouth. Wait, peanut sauce is Indian, right? If not, please adjust that reference to the appropriate ethnicity.

Mystery Hors D'oeuvres:
They were these little toast rounds with some kind of white, feta-ish cheese and something chopped and red on top. They tasted really good, despite the fact that I have no idea what they were. They could have been, in fact, hobo leg for all I know. Good, though.

Mini-Quesadillas with Chicken and Goat Cheese:
Or so they said. I had a couple of these and I was party to exactly zero bits of chicken and a whole assload of goat cheese. I'm not calling the server a liar, but only because the evidence does it for me.

Little Spring Rolls:
Tasty, but when you bit into them they leaked hot oil down your chin. Finger food is so much less appealing when it's giving you facial burns.

Mini-Cheeseburgers:
These things made White Castle sliders look like the 40$ burger at Old Homestead. If there's a lower-grade of meat than "Z," it was in these bastards. Squirting mustard in my mouth and chewing on my tongue would have been preferable.

Vegetable Plate:
Fuck you. Why would you want to eat vegetables and Ranch dip when there's good, meaty options floating around. That's like going to Six Flags and spending the entire afternoon riding the parking tram. Foolish, foolish hors d'oeuvre purveyors.