Monday, January 22, 2007

Awesome Old Men 2

Hey, remember that one time where we talked about Awesome Old Men? Wasn't that the best time you've ever had sitting in front of your computer that didn't directly involve websites that are illegal in Bible Belt? Hopefully, the answer to both of those questions is a hearty, from-the-gut, "Yes sir, by God!" because here we go again:


Elmer is a retired police captain from East Texas who caught the fat bastard you see pictured above while whacked out of his mind on Old Crow and a secret blend of herbs that he learned how to make from an old Navajo medicine man, who's his best friend. His wife kicked him out of the house after he refused to stop comparing her face to that of the fish. He was quoted as saying, "Like I give a shit about that worthless old whore" before he climbed into his boat and headed back out onto the lake. Elmer was last spotted pissing into the wind and laughing his ass off.


Silvio used to be a war correspondent for Radio Free Europe, back before "all the pussies showed up and wrecked all the fun with their vegan farts and goddamn music that sounds like a hippie fucking a guitar." He stole a lot of money from the French government in a byzantine banking scheme and he once kicked Hemingway in the balls for no reason other than to prove that he could have written "The Sun Also Rises" if he'd wanted to. He lives in a small town in Mexico and has three wives, all of whom recently became pregnant. Silvio celebrated the news by fist-fighting an entire platoon of the Mexican National Army. He won.


Lester can take a car apart to the point where it's just a big pile of screws, steel and rubber, and then put the whole thing back together again so it gets better gas mileage than it did before and could pass inspection to race in a NASCAR event. His customers pay him in steak dinners and martial arts DVDs and when he shows up at the VFW Hall on "Senior Dance Night," he lays down old-school breakdancing moves like he invented them. Which he did.

The Colonel

It's widely believed by those who know him that he served in some sort of Black Ops organization in Vietnam and that it was the happiest time of his life. When he's been drinking, he creeps the fuck out of everyone by rambling on about "that little fruit Oswald" and how "he couldn't shoot worth a crap, which is why I had to show up in Dallas on my goddamn birthday to handle the situation." He never sleeps, he smells like diesel fuel and Old Spice, and he eats a package of bacon a day. Then he goes for a three mile run and comes back barely winded.


Has operated a dollar store in Brooklyn for thirty years and hates every ethnicity except his own. Married a tranny he met in Chinatown and when he found out that she was a guy, said "well, that's one more reason to just stay drunk." True to his word, Ping hasn't been sober in so long, his sweat is bottled and sold as the finest Sake in the Northeast. He claims to have beaten up Jet Li, though nobody believes him because every time there's a scuffle between school kids in his shop, he shrieks and hides behind his hulking, tranny wife until it's all clear. Then he changes his pants, pours himself another round and gives the stink-eye to whoever is in the vicinity.


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