Saturday, January 13, 2007

A Look Inside My Mind; or "Spider Bitin'!"

I'd like to let you into my brain for a bit; give you a glimpse of exactly how my mind works. Scary thought? Oh, it's not so bad. Sure, it smells like a brewery in there and, yes, those are Cheeze-Its all over the floor, but, by and large, there's nothing going on inside this ol' noggin that you wouldn't see on any late-nite cable channel or at the county fair of your choice. You'll be fine. Just don't try to steal my PIN number or anything.

Anyway, let me set this up... This morning, I rolled over on, and was bitten by, a small, glassy-brownish spider. Right on the part of my back where the torso meets the shoulder; near the armpit, but not in it. It didn't hurt and my girlfriend told me, after a cursory glance at the bite and the spider it's self, that it was nothing to worry about.

Which is of course when I started worrying. Big time. So, here now, as promised, the glimpse into my brain:

Thought Process After A Spider Bite

"I've been bitten by a spider."

"It was brown."

"It was a Brown Recluse"

"Oh god, let's look those up!"

"Shit! Their bites can cause a rotting of the flesh around the wound."

"Wait, they don't live in this part of the country. Whew!"

"Hang on, didn't a scorpion just get found on a plane? If a scorpion could do it, couldn't a Brown Recluse? We're not that far from the airport [ed. note: yes we are]."

"I can feel the wound getting larger; swelling up. It must be the size of a cue ball now!"

"Okay, it's still the same size. That's good. And it doesn't really hurt. That's good too. Maybe my girlfriend was right. Maybe it's okay and I'm just overreacting? I should take a deep breath."

"HOLY FUCK WHAT IF IT LAID EGGS INSIDE ME!!!"

"That's ridiculous; an old urban legend. I'm a rational, reasonably intelligent man and therefore I don't believe 'everything I read,' as it were."

"JESUS I CAN FEEL THE BABY SPIDERS MOVING UNDER MY SKIN!!!"

"Hey, wouldn't it be cool if it was a radioactive spider and I became a superhero, not unlike a certain popular character of comic book myth and legend? Yeah, Batman was awesome."

"I'm dying. I accept my mortality and I will walk down that long, sad highway with my head held high. Dignity is the order of the day."

"SWEET GOD I'VE PISSED MYSELF AND I CAN'T STOP CRYING!!!"

And... scene! I eventually calmed myself down by taking a shower hot enough to slough off the a couple of layers of skin and I think that, maybe, probably, I'll be able to sleep in our bed tonight without hyperventilating. Especially since I'm going douse myself in Raid.

I hope you've enjoyed this little glimpse into the unquiet mind I call my own. If nightmares persist, contact a therapist immediately.

1 Comments:

Blogger Braden said...

Uh, that "certain popular character of comic book myth and legend" that became a superhero after being bitten by a spider wasn't Batman, you jackanape.

It was Arachno-Gent.

2:07 PM  

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