Thursday, January 11, 2007

I Am Smarter Than Fortune Magazine

That venerable institution of business news, Fortune Magazine, released today their annual 100 Best Companies To Work For list. Simply perusing said list reveals, however, that they are dead wrong. Clearly they've neglected their fact-checking duties regarding the employee's day-to-day lives at these companies, choosing instead to look at things like "health plans" and "annual salaries" and other things that I "don't understand." But that's okay; luckily, I'm here to straighten things out (that's what she said!!!):

Top Five Companies To Work For, According to Fortune Magazine

1. Google - You can talk all you want about how good the benefits are and about how everyone gets a free Google t-shirt (or whatever), but the fact remains: These poor people have to spend their entire day looking up crap for people. And quickly, too; the internet's known for speed and they have to keep up. "What's that one song where the singer goes, 'Do-do-do-DOO, AAAAHHHHHHH' all high like that?" "Where can I find midgets to fuck in my area?" "What's the deal with football? It's not a foot, it's not a ball; balls are round!" They have to answer shit like that all damn day. Also, Google doesn't have indoor plumbing.

2. Genetech - These are the guys that build mutant robots. I'm sorry but that is just not a safe environment to work in. What if one of the mutant robots breaks loose of it's moorings and goes on a rampage? What then, Genetech? Some of those bastards shoot laser beams, for real, and guess what: there's not a single HMO that covers "Laser Beam Wounds." Also, Genetech kills you if quit because they don't want the secrets of their mutant robots to get out.

3. Wegman's Food Markets - Would you want to spend your days making sure the lettuce isn't brown? Even with a vision plan, that's a pretty suck-ass job. And what if you don't even need the vision plan? Then it's even worse. Those assholes never think about this stuff. Also, Wegman's lets homeless guys poop in the aisles and then makes the employees clean it up. With their hands!!!

4. The Container Store - But C-Dog, it's just the Container Store. They've got boxes there, and stuff to hang in your closets so your shoes aren't all over the goddamn place. What could possibly be bad about that? Well I'll tell you, smart ass: In a word, snipers. That's right. Every single Container Store in America has at least one sniper in the rafters, just waiting to cut your ass down, man, at the slightest provocation. No wonder they made the list; the employees are scared shitless to talk bad about their masters. Also, the snipers smell bad and the employees can smell it and it's gross.

5. Whole Foods - I happen to have a little bit of "insider" knowledge here because I, once upon a time, was employed by Whole Foods as a pizza maker. I can attest that, yes, they do give full benefits and, yes, they pay better than other places. But what you don't know is this: All that organic food they sell? Made of illegal immigrants. Yep. They have border patrols working 24/7, rounding up Immies (code word) for their Tuscan Pasta Salads and Fresh Corn Chowders. Also, you have to get up really friggin' early for the day shift; like 5am early. I was not cool with that. To retaliate, I licked all the pizzas.

Now, you may be asking yourself, what are the best companies to work for if not these. Well, that's easy:

The Actual Top Five Companies To Work For

1. Playboy - Boobies everywhere.

2. Taco Bell - You want a burrito? They got burritos.

3. Six Flags - WHHHHHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

4. Budweiser - Being drunk at work is known as "product testing."

5. General Motors - New Car smell pumped through the air vents.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm currently laughing out loud at work. I hope you're proud of yourself. :P

3:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had friends in highschool who worked at Wegman's...and they all said it was better than any other menial teenager work (i.e. McDonalds)

The pay was better, and they didn't have to wear uniforms.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Giggleloop... Yes. Yes I am.

Anonymous... Oh, I'm sure it was. Whole Foods wasn't bad either. I certaintly got a shitload of free food out of that place, if nothing else.

3:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just a heads-up:

There is something wrong with you.

4:41 PM  

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