Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The Conjugal Visit

It's kind of a long story, and truthfully it's a story that's not technically any of my business, but it's brought up a point I'd like to throw out for discussion, so here's what you need to know:

-A friend of a friend has a boyfriend that's in prison.

-This friend of a friend is loyal to her boyfriend, is convinced of his innocence, and is therefore remaining true while he serves his undeserved time.

-They've got a conjugal visit coming up.

Now, there's been a bit of talk amongst my little social circle regarding this upcoming event. The general feeling is that it's going to be the best sex either of them has ever had, what with the longing and the loneliness and the pent-up sexual aggression and so on and so forth. This, to me, rings false. Maybe I'm not looking at this in the proper romantic context but, seems to me, that there are few situations on the planet that would be less conducive to good, passionate sex (however you define it) than a conjugal visit. The evidence:

1. The Build Up - Both of them have been thinking about this day for a long time; fantasizing about it, undoubtedly. When the day arrives, when they get into that room, how can it possibly live up to their collective expectations?

2. The Room - Okay, granted, I've never been inside a conjugal visit room, and, no, I don't actually think it looks anything like the picture I've got up there in the corner. Still, how can a room that's in any way connected to a prison be intimate enough for a sexual tryst? You can throw a nice blanket on the bed and slap a coat of paint on the walls that isn't the uniform prison-grey, but, in the end, you're still having sex in an institutionalized environment. Not a thought that gets the juices flowing. Unless that's your particular kink, of course, but let's assume that it isn't for the sake of argument.

3. The Pressure - You've got one shot at this; it'll be at least six months before the next conjugal visit rolls around. If it's bad, you've got a dejected man being sent back to prison disappointed and, on the other side, you've got a lonely, unfulfilled woman being sent out into a world full of other men who aren't currently incarcerated. Also, there's a time limit. Have fun, kids! How is anyone supposed to get anything accomplished with those sorts of impositions hanging over their heads?

Maybe I'm over-thinking this. Maybe I'm not giving two people who love each other, who've got only one chance in a long while to physically express that love, enough credit. Maybe I'm being entirely too negative. Maybe. But I don't think so.

For their sake, I hope I'm wrong, though. Don't want to be "that guy."


Blogger Beehive Hairdresser said...

I would imagine the sex to be quite unfufilling, with the boyfriend being a quick shooter.

Plus think about the sheets, and the actual conjugal room. I see the room as being a room that is used 365 days and nights a year to have inmate on civilian hardcore sexin. Imagine the nastiest hourly hotel and then times that by 15 and there you have the conjugal room. Filthy, filthy, filthy.

11:59 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ew. I hadn't even thought of the filth aspect of the whole scenario. See, this just goes to further prove my point.

12:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought I'd heard that they have some kind of trailer for the visits. It does make you wonder if you have to fill out conjugal visit paperwork. And how specific do you think the paperwork gets?

12:26 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

And also, I wonder if, in addition to paperwork, they give you a full search? Maybe not a cavity or anything, but it would seem like they would have to at least give you a once over to make sure you weren't smuggling in contraband.


1:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They have to film/monitor this event for security reasons right?

5:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a douchebag.

6:39 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...


7:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My father worked as a CO in the NYS prison system. Essentially it's like having sex in a bathroom at the Port Authority after midnight on a Friday night.

The stench of feces is prevelant throughout as most visitors have ingested drugs a day before the visit and then pass them, not in a toilet, mind you, but typically in the sink or garbage can so as to "weed out the weed", so to speak.

There is so much surveillance that it is rather uncomfortable. Plus the CO's would constantly f with the people and try to come into the room mid-coitus under the guise of hearing something.

7:28 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Now you see... that's the kind of thing I was afraid of. Thanks for the info, Anonymous person!

7:51 PM  
Blogger alala said...

on arrested development they had a trailer-type facility so that's how i always imagine conjugal visits. not that it comes up a lot, but when i first started reading the post, that's how i pictured it.

8:37 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Seems like that's probably how it is in your nicer prisons; maybe not so much in the scarier, stabbier ones.

11:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think at the stabbier prisons, you get conjugal visits in the showers.

9:31 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Repeatedly. While you cry.

9:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

they have trailers in california. you can bring your own sheets.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

That's nice, I guess. I wonder if they let you bring in a jumbo bottle of Lysol, too?

11:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

is this like the real deal prison, like is he a big dude that is in for some crazy shit, or was he dealing dirt weed out his mom's basement? Because if the later is true and it is a scary ass prison wouldn't he be someone's bitch by now? and if that's true, couldn't he possibly have all kinds of diseases? She better wrap herself in latex.

12:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, Added a new value add to my blog this weekend - a news widget from I always wanted to show latest news for my keywords in my sidebar. It was very easy with this widget. Just a small copy paste and it was done. Great indeed.

3:34 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home