Thursday, January 18, 2007

American Idol Rejects

Bob Dylan - We can't understand what you're saying? Look, you just don't have the stage presence to really, you know, captivate the audience.

Prince - You're very short and, all that wiggling around...? Very distracting. Plus, you look ridiculous singing all high-pitched like that since you're such a little guy.

Mama Cass - Too fat.

Van Morrison - Are you having a seizure? Plus, you're premature hair-loss won't translate into gold records.

Paul McCartney - You should have tried out for the show when it was in England. We don't really "do" British here.

Aretha Franklin - Too fat.

Michael Stipe - You act like you're afraid of the microphone. Also, the studio lights are bouncing off your head.

Elvis Presley - We're going for less of a "country" vibe this year.

Johnny Rotten - Next.

Iggy Pop - Next.

Lou Reed - Next. Also, take a shower.

Madonna - We're on at 8pm, so could you tone it down a little?

Eric Clapton - Could you stop playing the guitar? Please?

Me - You write fairly obvious, trite comedy pieces about American Idol as if anyone took that show seriously after 2002. Also, your singing is like butt.


Blogger Aeshema the Fury said...

"Also, your singing is like butt."

As in, its ubiquitous, universal, and the featured performer and draw of many a rap video?

When do I get my demo!

I consistently forget that Television exists for purposes outside of playing Curious George and Bambi DVDs. The very idea of American Idol makes me giggle because, ultimately, their goal is to have their music played on that thar radio, a medium of music which I've all but completely abandoned. I mean, except for NPR. Cause whats the morning commute without depression?

(I'll be in NYC in april, with the wife and the kid, no less...)

11:19 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I can't get into NPR. Too much "talking" about "issues" that are "boring." It's very hard to shake my booty to NPR. Not impossible, mind you... just very hard.

5:53 PM  

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