10 Tips For a Fantastic Halloween
2. Carving the X-Files logo into that pumpkin isn't going to get you laid anywhere near as much as you think it will. It is, however, TOTALLY bitchin'.
3. That homemade Napoleon Dynamite costume you're wearing... yeah, everyone wants to poke you in the eye with a stick. Just a word of warning. I know, I know, you've been working on your impressions of ND and Pedro all week. Trust me when I say that this fact will only make the beatings more severe.
4. Same goes for you in the Steve-Irwin-with-a-Stingray-attached-to-the-front costume. Believe me when I say that you're not as clever as you think you are. My evidence:
Welcome to Bill Maher's level of discourse. I hope your friends never stop hitting you in the face.
5. Don't be so obvious as to rent the original Halloween for the entertainment portion of your bash. Go for part 6, The Curse of Michael Myers. It's got a young Paul Rudd in it and it's actually pretty scary and I guarantee you that no one you know has seen it. If someone at the party has seen it, they're probably me, so we're going to have to figure out how the hell I got your place. Nice house, by the way. Which way to the keg?
6. Have you actually listened to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" lately? That song still kicks ass and the Vincent Price part gives me chills every time I hear it. Not really a tip per sea, but still worth mentioning.
7. Candy you eat on Halloween won't make you fat. It's true. So eat that whole bag of mini-Almond Joys and wash it down with a pint glass filled with Pixie Stix and Jolt. It won't count against you and you'll be able to sprint up the side of a building when the sugar rush hits.
8. Remember, safety first. Nobody holds Haunted Houses in a windowless van behind a 7-11 and anyone who tells you different is trying to steal your kidney or is planning to put you in a large cage in a basement. That goes double if the person's dressed like a clown.
9. Watch out for the dudes dressed up like ladies. Those are the seriously repressed Christians who, under the guise of "Halloween wackiness," are getting one night of the year to go fucking nuts. They started drinking at noon and they think they look like Audrey Hepburn, though they actually resemble a sad closet-case in a dress more than anything.
10. Don't wear anything too complicated. After a few beers, you're really going to have to pee and you don't want to spend forty minutes carefully removing your intricately designed Transformers costume to do so.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM ALL OF US (Or, rather, just me) AT ZOMBIE FIGHTS SHARK!!!!!