One of these days I'll post something more substantial, but for now...

Finally, soap you can fuck. This is quite possibly the saddest product I've ever seen. It's even worse than eating a "personal-sized" pizza (which means "this pizza will not fill the lonely hole inside you, but it does come with a variety of toppings!"). It says it's fun for couples, but no couple is going to use this, ever. When you're with someone, you don't really care if your dick smells. I mean, you DO, obviously, but it's not to the point where you buy special-shaped soaps to really get in there and get that fucker sparkling and new.

You know what the Weener Kleener is like? It's like eating in a restaurant by yourself and knowing that the waitress is being overly friendly because her heart is breaking for you and you've got food on your face but no one there to tell you about it so you're walking around like a mustard-stained freak, bumming out the world. It's EXACTLY like that, but way more creepy because it's also about sex toys and having "private time" in the shower. Buying the Weener Kleener should be automatic grounds for having your name put on a sex offender watchlist.

Jesus Christ Chair, this makes me uncomfortable. If I was over at a friend's and saw one of these in the soap dish, I would stab him to death while sobbing and then I'd burn his house to the ground. The jury would be like, "WHY?" and I'd just say, "Weener Kleener" and they'd be like, "Oh, gotcha, he's free to go and he's a HERO!!!"

Ugh. Soapfuckers. Wrong, wrong, and again, wrong.

NOTE: Sorry I shared this with you and now you're thinking about slitting your wrists. I'm sorry about that. Don't do it. There's still hope. I don't know where it is anymore... not after the Weener Kleener... but I'm sure it's somewhere. Let's find it together.