Friday, February 05, 2010

Outrage on Park Place



Parker Brothers, in an effort to be hip, edgy, down with the cool kids, and... apparently... a Phillip K. Dick spank dream come to life, has updated our most beloved of board games, Monopoly. They have taken it from its humble roots... a square, boring game about real estate that ends up hurting more people's feelings than junior high... and turned it into some kind of space-age clusterfuck that even Captain Picard thinks is, "a bit much."

There's no money anymore! You use an ATM card and it's all digital like that's something that's fun. You know what using an ATM card reminds me of? How much money I don't have. At least with the old Monopoly, I could play around with all the different colored money and pretend I was in Europe for an hour. But no... NOOOOO... it has to be all realistic now. All "true" and a better reflection of our society, but in a board game that everyone secretly hates, even though we love it, which makes it basically like a member of our family.

Whatever, sci-fi Monopoly... whatever. You've killed our childhoods dead with your changes. Boardwalk runs forever red with the blood of our souls. You bastards... you heartless bastards...

5 Comments:

Blogger Cray said...

Then why don't you come up with your own 'opoly' game? They don't seem to be hard to make. I wonder what kind of properties we'd see on there....I'd want to play the gamepiece that's shaped like an empty 6-pack!

1:52 PM  
Blogger Meat Sweats said...

Stupid ATM card. How in the hell am I supposed to steal money from the bank now? I won't play if I can't skim off the top, it's the only way I win.

2:08 PM  
Blogger AubreyIsCool said...

Pretty soon Mousetrap will be next, and they'll be incorporating cards that make you lose a turn due to PETA protests or some such bullshit. Fuck that noise, I miss the plain old shoe.

3:10 PM  
Blogger whimsy said...

That kind of makes me sick. By "kind of" I mean I'm wiping vomit off of my shoe. Thanks Parker Brothers, thanks.

6:57 PM  
Blogger Me. said...

I feel the same way about he new Heinz ketchup packaging. What shit for brains thought a packet of ketchup was "hard to use"?

7:22 PM  

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