Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Notes From the First Week of School

NOTE: Isn't it funny how I was all like, "Oh I'm definitely going to keep blogging, I love you and this and everyone, life is a rainbow-colored unicorn's dick," etc, and then I didn't post anything for a week? Remember that??? Yeah, I'm such a scamp.

-Getting up at 7:30am fucking BLOWS. Which is weird, because for three years I had to get up at 6am and it never really phased me. I mean, sure, a lot of it has to do with the vampire hours I currently keep as a waiter in a restaurant that doesn't close until 2am, but still... you'd think I'd be a little more used to the concept of early daylight. And yet... not so much. The last few days that I've had to wrench my body upright at the sound of my alarm... kids, they've just been brutal; a gladiator-esque battle between my resolve to learn (which is represented by a skinny, 90-pound scholar with a pulled hamstring and a wet dishcloth as his only defense) and my desire to just go the fuck back to sleep (which is played by Randall "Tex" Cobb at his Raising Arizona best). So far, that skinny fucker has managed to outwit the lumbering greatness of ol' Tex... but for how long? Can I keep this up? God I'm sleepy...

-My teachers break down like this:

History - A Mexican ex-con who started as a high school dropout and went from getting his GED to earning a PhD in History. That's fucking impressive by anyone's standards. Thus far, he's been a great teacher; very charismatic and interesting. It sucks that he's my first class, because of the aforementioned sleepiness. I feel like, from this guy, I might actually learn something. (though it does beg one question: what the hell is he doing teaching at a community college; dude should be at a real university)

Math - An old man who's kind of a douchebag. I get the feeling he's always been a douchebag, like for his whole life, and how he's just kind of settled into it like a hot tub or a really squishy chair. He's not HORRIBLE, mind you... he explains stuff well enough, I guess... he's just, I don't know, kind of condescending about it. I want to clap his head between two erasers, but not to the point where it keeps me up at night.

Government - Another Mexican guy, this one has two distinct characteristics: He looks exactly like a Hispanic Fisher Stevens, and he has an accent thick enough to stop a bullet. The latter one is the real issue. He knows what he's talking about and he seems like a good teacher, but DAMN... it's really hard to understand the motherfucker. Guess I just have to get used to it or something.

Computers - This class is easily one of the most boring things on the planet, right alongside listening to someone talk about "this crazy dream they had last night" and watching two security guards argue over half of a sandwich. Not helping matters? The teacher, who talksreallyfastlikethis and then, because she knows she talks fast, repeats herself three or four times for every point. THREE OR FOUR TIMES!!! It's a new kind of audio torture soon to be outlawed (but not really) by our government. Also, she looks like an owl and a lizard's greatest mistake.

-I've been starting my day off by eating these protein bars in an effort to not be hungry during class, but to not have to eat a huge, Denny's Grand Slam-style breakfast every morning. They get the job done, which is what's most important, but they taste like chewing on a old gym mat that's been lightly coated in low-grade chocolate manufactured behind the Iron Curtain. Also, they make my pee smell funny. Not asparagus funny, but getting there. They make my pee smell mildly amusing, I guess.

-There's this one girl in my History class who, after only three class periods, has already earned the distinction as The One Whom We'd All Like to Stab In the Eye with a Pen. She's very "Ms. Know-It-All," and it's clearly about to send our teacher back to his prison roots. If anyone gets shanked this year, it's going to be her.

-Total amount of money spent on textbooks: $280. And that's AFTER finding awesome deals. It would have been closer to $450 if I hadn't been a thrifty ninja. People that manufacture and sell textbooks should die painful deaths, possibly involving blood loss via their genitals.


Blogger Cray said...

Thrifty Ninja was my favorite Saturday morning cartoon growing up...

11:48 PM  
Blogger ML said...

a) you'd be surprised how hard it is to get into a university unless you were a grad student there (and didn't have jobs elsewhere afterward)

b) yes. yes they should die bloody, horrible deaths. via those bugs in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan that attach to your brain stem and kill everyone but Commander Popol Chekov...

1:09 AM  
Blogger Hex said...

Textbook sales is the scam of all time. I truly believe if Obama could apply that model to the tax code, the country would be saved in two semesters.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

what the hell is he doing teaching at a community college

I wonder that about a lot of my professors too. Both the really good and really bad ones.

10:17 AM  

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