Friday, January 15, 2010

Friday Morning Hodgepodge

I waited on this guy last night who, over the course of five rounds, ordered five different drinks: a pint of Guinness, a gin and tonic, a Makers and Coke, a Long Island Ice Tea, and a vodka and Sprite. This, my friends, is a man who has no idea what he's doing with regards to drinking. Pick one drink (ideally for life, but just for the evening will do) and stick with that motherfucking swill to the bitter goddamn end. I'm sorry, but that's just what's proper. It pisses off your waiter (hi) because he can't anticipate your needs, what with you zigging and zagging all over the place, and... AND... it's going to make you way more drunk and sick than you, you fucking amateur, want to be. Ever heard the phrase, "Never mix, never worry." It's a saying for a reason.

Anyway, it took every ounce of my inner strength to not toss this clown out into the rain. I did fart near his table, though, so... you know... small victories. I'm sure he learned his lesson when his vodka and Sprite tasted like farts.

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What's sadder?

A) Having an abortion before your wedding

B) A positive AIDS test on your birthday

C) Those horrible ASPCA commercials with the dogs and cats all fucked up and miserable... when that comes on the TV it's a mad fucking scramble to change the channel as fast as I can because if I watch it for more than ten seconds I'm going to find myself trying to pull the trigger of a shotgun with my toe in an effort to repaint my living room wall with my brain.

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I randomly have tonight off... my first Friday night off in roughly a million, billion years... and I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm thinking I should probably rock out with my cock somewhere (not literally) (okay, maybe literally, let's see how drunk I get), but at the same time there's a part of me... an old, cranky, hateful part... that sort of feels like burrowing into my couch and drinking alone in the dark until I choke to death on my own vomit and/or sorrow.

Eh... I'll probably hit the bars. As much as human contact pisses me off (generally) I'm told that without it, you start to lose your mind. And I mambo dogfish to the banana peels, ya know? Soup!!! SOUP FOR EVERYONE!!!

Titties!!!

5 Comments:

Blogger Meat Sweats said...

Definitely C. It should be mandatory that those commercials be followed by an ad for the local suicide hotline. Enjoy your night off and drink one for me would ya.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Yeah, Its me said...

I actually stubbed the shit out of my toe one night trying to race from the kitchen to the living room to get the remote to change the motherloving channel when that commercial came on. As soon as I hear Sarah McLaughlin, man... I become an Olympic athlete, you know, except for that one time.

1:14 PM  
Blogger lacochran said...

I HATE those MF commercials. There ought to be a WARNING label on them so you have time to grab the remote.

4:25 PM  
Blogger Cray said...

You should try one of the seedy Mexican bars in town. I'm sure they'd love to have you. I've always wanted to go into "The Three Frogs", but I'm sure it would end up like the biker bar scene from Pee-Wee's big adventure. Minus the bar dancing and frivolity.

5:42 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I ended up drinking at a shitty bar that I don't really like, then... after midnight... we ended up at the sports bar where I work (and don't really like) and continued to drink there. It was an extremely average evening. Ending it with buffalo wings at 2AM was a mistake, but hey... I'm not perfect.

2:04 PM  

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