Thursday, January 07, 2010

I Could Be More Interesting

Ever since I left New York, I've found myself to be really lacking in the "interesting" department. I mean, I'm okay... there are certainly blander people out there... but, I don't know, for so long, living in New York was MY THING, man. I was this fat kid from Arlington, TX, sure, but I lived in the Big Apple, baby, Gotham... The Big Easy... The City of Lights... Funky Town! Er, wait... well, you know what I mean. I was a New Yorker, or at least a facsimile thereof, and that made me interesting (not to other New Yorkers, granted, but to the world at large... particularly the South... who still views NYC as Satan's rumpus room).

Now that I'm back in Arlington, though... eh. I'm an Arlingtonian again and believe me, the world could give a shit. The only time we're in the news is when Jerry Jones does or buys something stupid, and even then it only gets mentioned in a "boy those Texans sure are a bunch of dumb hicks" kind of way. Not flattering.

So, to that end, I've decided that I need to make myself more interesting. I need some pizazz, some sparkle, some goddamn flash all up in here. I took a good hard look at myself this morning, in between my morning dump and my morning post-dump nap, and decided that the three things that COULD be interesting about me are just not going to cut it. For the record, those are:

Beard - I could be That Beard Guy, but when you get right down to it, my beard is not that impressive. It's definitely beardy, but it's no mountain man face rug. ZZ Top be not proud.

Drunkenness - I do drink a lot, but I'm not exactly racking up Hemingway-esque numbers. Plus, I don't know if I want to known exclusively for my ability to do a lot of shots with out peeing on the bar (though that IS a nice skill to have).

Fatness - I think one's fatness only becomes interesting when it gets to the point where TLC (the network, not the R&B group) films a documentary about you. Not sure if I'm ready for that kind of commitment.

So you see, I've got to find SOMETHING. Here's what I've come up with. Feel free to add your own in the comments below. C'mon guys, let's rally together. Let's make me interesting!

Ways to Be More Interesting

Accent - I have a little bit of a North Texas twang, but then again so does everyone else around here. Maybe I could start talking with a sexy Irish brogue, or perhaps an Australian accent. The ladies love those. Of course, if I suddenly started pretending I was from the mean streets of Dublin or the shores of Melbourne, people who already know me... and, thus, know what I sound like... might think I'd started huffing oven cleaner.

Huffing Oven Cleaner - That's not a bad idea, actually. I could be the guy that's always huffing oven cleaner. Hm... then again, that could possibly kill me. Also, what a horrible way to get high. Yeah, on second thought, better pass on that one.

Parrot - Nothing says "interesting" like having a parrot on your shoulder at all times! People would probably want to buy me shots in exchange for some "parrot time." I didn't mean that in a sexual way. Don't be gross. Anyway, now that I think about it, everyone hates the Parrot Guy. Mainly because he always smells like parrot poop.

Serial Killer - Everyone does seem to like that Dexter show. Eh... probably really messy. Plus, most potential victims could probably out run me, as I am slow and unathletic. I do like stabbing things, though... No, no, terrible idea. Prison wouldn't agree with me, as I doubt they allow naps.

Magic - I've always had a soft spot for magic tricks. And, being as how I work in a bar, that shit could really wow a crowd of drunks (drunks are easily fooled by sleight of hand and... if we're being honest... traffic lights). Then again, I am a tubby dude, and tubby dudes that do magic almost never get laid, like to the point where their penis stops believing in God. Then from there it's just a few lonely Friday nights until I start playing World of Warcraft, which would invariably lead to me marrying a 400 German goth named Ula (which is the point of World of Warcraft, right?). I guess all of that would make me kind of interesting, but it'd be the kind of interesting that would make me shoot myself in the face.

Drag Queen - I do look good in heels. However, this is Texas. I think that's still a hanging offense down here.

Cult - Having my own Branch Davidian-style cult could be pretty cool, especially because you get to have a bunch of wives (hello, ladies!!!). Plus... I've always been a fan of stockpiling guns and not paying taxes. And, you know, we're all going to die anyways; having the government shoot fire into my compound would be a pretty fucking sweet way to go out. Yeah... that's it... unless any of you can come up with something better, you can start referring to me as His Holiness, The Master. My cult is going to be so sweet, you guys!!!


Blogger TOWR said...

What about balloon animals? My brother makes them and he's a hit at every party. You'd be a stud, especially if you could make hats. Just a thought. Or you could join one of those snake-handling churches.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Hex said...

Please don't be magic trick guy.

11:02 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Being a cult leader pays very, very, very well. Just ask Oral Roberts. Oh, waitaminute. You can't. He's in hell with Jesse Helms.

11:14 AM  
Anonymous Eric said...

Be the dude in Arlington who walks around using scissors-glasses.

3:40 PM  
Blogger Meg Kathleen said...

You definitely need to start your own cult. Or at least start your own version of scientology.

6:07 PM  
Blogger Chante said...

I think the big easy is New Orleans. Ha! I live in new York and I feel what you're saying. New York didn't make you any more or less special than u r. If u really want to be special don't be an ass to other people cause you're having a bad day, don't talk about pretentious stuff just to look good when u don't know what you're talking about and don't go somewhere just because somebody famous went there. In other words don't be a new yorker wannabe. Real new yorkers don't care, don't bother each other and generally remain calm in the face of adversity. So, I start a cult. :0)

9:39 PM  
Blogger Cray said...

And how would one go about joining this cult.....hypothetically....?

1:37 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

You left bejewling your body off the list of ways that makes you more interesting.

11:09 AM  
Blogger Maria said...

Either be the random photographer or a sketch artist.....

1:54 PM  

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