Sunday, January 03, 2010

Unusual Toilets: A Pictorial

Creepy, Sexy Mouth Toilets

I can't figure out if the point of these is to pee into giant cartoon lady mouths (which is fetishistic and sad), or if this is some sort of roundabout commentary on the state of The Rolling Stones; i.e. I pee on toilet representations of their logo and from that you can extrapolate my feelings on their music, with the exception of "Sticky Fingers," which we can all agree is an excellent album.

Either way, that's an awful lot of time, effort, and money to put into your deeply disturbing sex issues/rock n' roll critique.

Points for creativity, I guess, but still.

Toilet Candy

Really? I mean, don't get me wrong, eating candy out of a small, pink, plastic toilet is hilarious, especially if you pretend you're eating Barbie's poop (it tastes like sour strawberry!), but I'm a little worried we're sending the wrong message to our nation's children. What business you do in the bathroom is between you and the toilet and the all-seeing Baby Jesus (unless you're a blog writer who enjoys sharing his bodily functions with the entire world when pressed for content... ahem...), and kids need to know that right off the fucking bat. It starts with candy in fake tiny toilets, but then the problem grows. Soon, little Tommy and little Susie are carrying around Ziploc bags of their poo and calling them fashion accessories, like horrifying slap bracelets or Emo backpacks (that's a thing, right?).

We're creating a nation of coprophiliacs and nobody cares!!!

Actually... okay... we're probably not. To be honest, I can't really say that toilet candy has caught on as a trend, per se. I do see them eating a lot of those Altoids, though, and they kind of look like minty urinal cakes. Maybe that's something. I don't know.

False alarm, everybody. The children are safe tonight!

Child-Sized Toilet Costume

If you're interested in buying this for your own kid, search for it at costume stores under its official name: "The Quickest Way to Get Child Protective Services to Visit Your Home."

Alternate Joke: That costume looks like shit.

Open Air Toilets

Speaking as a man who has peed off of subway platforms more times than most homeless Vietnam vets, I cannot tell you how brilliant an idea this is. See, men don't care if we're peeing in public. Sometimes, after several pitchers of cheap American beer, you've just gotta do what comes natural and damn the consequences (which include people looking at your wang and/or accidentally dribbling pee on your loafers). These take all the stress and potential legal ramifications out of the ol' fashioned outdoor pee. They make the walk home bearable. They were clearly invented by a crazy genius superhero who saw a problem and fucking fixed the shit out of it.

For men, anyway. Sorry, ladies!!! Guess you'll have to stick to taking a whiz in your purse.

Toilet Building

Why? Why not!!! If I were given the option of remaining in my crappy little one-bedroom apartment, or getting to crash in a place that was designed to look like a huge version of an artsy crapper, man... c'mon on... no contest! You'd be living IN A TOILET! Your face would hurt from laughing all the goddamn time.
Oooh, and think about how awesome it would be to be sitting on the toilet inside a building-sized toilet!!! Hope you like getting your mind blown every single day!
The downside, though, is that you might get shit on by a passing giant or a Cloverfield monster or some such. But that's the risk you take when you live in the Toilet House.
Also, having sex in the Toilet House automatically counts as a Blumpkin. So add that to the Pro column.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

12:58 PM  

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