Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Five Halloween Costumes That Absolutely Will Not Get You Laid

NOTE: All of these costumes are available at the much-hated douche factory known as Ricky's Party Supply. However, do not ever, ever buy these costumes.

Lunch Meat

Before you go selecting a Halloween costume all willy-nilly... particularly one that involves a "hilarious" play on words so noxious it causes birth defects in unborn babies... you really need to think about the kind of associations it will bring up in the minds of women. Example: You're dressed as processed lunch meat... meat, in the context of a sexy Halloween party, equals your dong... processed lunch meat smells like a chemical plant trying to fart out a pig... ergo, your dong smells like something women would run away from and possibly spray with mace, not something they would let near their "area." So buying this costume essentially makes you the guy at the party with a smelly penis, whether it's true or not.

(p.s. if you buy this costume, chances are you have a smelly penis anyway; not saying that IS the case, just saying it's probably true)

Biblical Character

You know what gets women hot? Religion. Specifically dudes from New Testament times that knew Jesus personally and stoned women to death for having periods (or whatever). Oh yeah... tell me about the Christ child, baby... oooh... that gets me hot... now tell me about how all females should be subservient to men.... Eh, I guess it doesn't really matter, as there is no one... NO ONE... stupid enough to wear a religion-themed Halloween costume to a proper party anyway. Having a good time and the concept of religion are like flavored body oil and holy water. These costumes (and there were several to choose from) are strictly for those that attend Church functions on Halloween and it's a pretty good bet no one's getting laid at those anyways, so I guess go fucking nuts. Be Joseph, be Malachi, be goddamn Moses and get your tablets on if that's your pleasure. Just don't expect to be getting biblical with anyone, if you catch my meaning.

The Shocker

Oh, c'mon. Even the worst-case-scenario frat guy, with his backwards fitted ball cap and Tapout shirt and Teva sports sandals soaked in Milwaukee's Best, would take one look at this costume and declare it "a bit much, brah." Girls see this and think, I could try to sleep with him, but I'm not sure if I'm necessarily in the mood to bang a guy who's basically threatening me with anal penetration from the get-go. I mean, maybe I'd be down with it if he used some subtlety and a few shots of Wild Irish Rose, but... so blatant with the "this is the part that goes in your butt, tee hee,"... yeah, I think I'll tag out with the sexy fireman instead. Long after the party is over, the guy dressed as The Shocker can be heard saying to passers-by, "No, get it... it's The Shocker, man... my WHOLE BODY is the... hey... GET IT?"

Yes, guy dressed as The Shocker, we get it. You, however, will get nothing, forever and ever.

Guy Caught Out on a Windy Day

What are you, a lazy French mime? Do you really want to spend then entire party "walking against the wind" to make your costume's scant visual joke work? Unless you happen to be amongst a large group of conceptual artists that are dressed up variously as "girl walking up stairs," and, "guy waiting in line to buy a copy of Art Forum from an Israeli bodega clerk," and, "man's inhumanity to man as defined by the strict Brechtian logic inherent in, but not exclusively germane to, his earlier plays," then I think you're going to get several hours of blank stares and a lot of not-pussy.


Oooookay, let me get this straight: You scoured the length and breadth of popular culture, took into consideration all that was available to you in terms of Superhero costumes and wish-fulfilment outfits (your Cowboys and Astronauts and hunky Policemen, etc.) and the best thing you could come up with... your absolute ideal costume... was MOTHERFUCKIN' GEPPETTO FROM PINOCCHIO???
"Yeah, this year I'm really feeling like an old Italian puppet maker who longs for a child of his own. That's what my heart wants on Halloween, dudes."
Listen to me and listen well... Girls will see, and ONLY see, a creepy old man pedophile that wants to fuck boy puppets that he built to his exact anatomical specifications. They won't see sweet, innocent Disney purity and love. They will only see your dick, covered in splinters.
No. Just no. If you really want to dress up as Geppetto, do it at home, away from people, where the entire population of a party won't snap on you so hard you'll shit your pants every morning when you wake up and realize that you're still you.


Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Guy caught on a windy day is funny. --- You could make that funny, and women dig two things: they dig the long ball and they dig funny. ---

11:37 PM  
Blogger Cray said...

I used to go by the name "Dick Splinters" in another life, but then it got all popular and I had to stop.

12:28 AM  
Anonymous jack @ Cheap Halloween Costume Shop said...

That is some unique costumes. Last Halloween I wore the costume of pirates but for the next Halloween I would like to go with some of the unique costumes. Thanks for sharing such lovely and amazing costumes with us.

3:41 AM  
Anonymous Ellie said...

Few things are hotter than religion; what girl doesn't want to say she made Jesus a man? Got down on her knees for God? Snacked on Satan's apples, maybe?

Anecdotal evidence it works: two years ago guy I know stole a cross from a local church went from party to party with it on his back.... yeah he was laid on the spot. All girls are Jesus freaks at heart.

4:22 AM  
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