Saturday, August 15, 2009

Things We're All Done With

NOTE: As I'm sure you've noticed, there is WAY too much stuff in the world. It's not like it was even two decades ago, when there was only just some stuff and we could all breathe and move around and it was all good. Now, it's like trying to wade through a city dump, fucking always. So I did some research (haha, not really) and came up with six things we can totally get rid of. You're welcome.

The Martini - There was a time when the martini was this classy thing that you had to sport a monocle to drink properly, but now it's about a bunch of Sour Apple bullshit and fake tans and trying to impress deeply stupid girls who see the world only as a series of dollar signs. Plus, does anyone actually like martinis? I'll answer for us all... no. No one actually likes them. They taste like industrial floor cleaner served in a glass that was CLEARLY meant as a prank on all waiters. And speaking of waiters, when you order a martini specifically the way you want it... stirred, up, extra-dirty, with three olives, and just a kiss of vermouth... your waiter is watching your face slow turn from that of a human into a farting butthole that doesn't know what it's talking about. And that makes it all the more likely that your martini will at some point between the bar and your table have a waiter's ball sack dunked in it.

Haircuts - Such a hassle. Everything about them just reeks of a bad time, from the making small talk with a Vietnamese refugee who hates you, to having sharp objects flying around your ears, to getting little hairs down your collar so you feel like you're going to implode from itchiness. All of it just sucks. Sure, you might look a little neater, a little more "put together," but really... c'mon... it's 2009. Who gives a shit about looking nice anymore? This isn't Mad Men. We collectively are so over that metrosexual crap, it's like it was all just a reality show from a different time, a different place, when Carson Kressleys roamed the Earth. What's in now is letting your hair grow like nature intended. Sure we'll eventually end up in some sort of Clan of the Cave Bear world, or at the very least it'll be like Haight-Ashbury in the 60's, but that's okay too. Anything is better than having to drive to a haircut place and sit covered in a tarp and get a haircut. That is the worst.

Jeremy Piven - I don't know what happened. He used to be pretty great. PCU, am I right? So funny. Maybe it was the whole "dropped out of a Broadway show because I ate too much sushi" thing, but whatever the reason, he's now just totally unacceptable. Have you seen the trailer for that new movie, The Goods? It makes me want to punch through a bank of lockers like a football player that just got cut from the team because he flunked math. Also, that show Entourage is like cancer. It wasn't very funny when it first started, but now... several million years later... it's 30 minutes of the worst parts of humanity, every week. Watching all the prison rape on Oz all at once would be easier to take than even five minutes of Entourage. It's like Los Angeles kicking you square in the nuts, but in your brain.

Lying - What the fuck ever happened to just being honest about stuff? Why all the lies, man? If you're an undercover cop, just SAY you're an undercover cop and I'll walk away quietly like I was just coming up to ask the time. There's no need to make me run through a bunch of backyards and dive headlong into the bed of a pickup truck stopped at a light just because I happen to like the smooth, mellow flavors of high-grade Indonesian heroin. Just be straightforward with me, man. Also, if you're a dude dressed up like a fancy lady, wear a name tag that says so. It sucks pouring Pina Coladas into you all night only to be confronted by an angry dong at the finish line. That's a sorrow that takes five years off your life.

Babies - I know we have to make babies to propagate the species, but at the same time, who gives a shit? The world's going to end in 2012 anyways (The History Channel and John Cusack say so), so let's maybe just buy a global crate of condoms and fuck without reproducing for a few years. Because babies... though cute and adorable and an expression of your love in human form... are also smelly, loud, and they make it so you can't go to the movies or out to eat without everyone in the vicinity hating your stupid breeder guts (see: smelly, loud). Getting rid of babies would also cut out the tiny, ironic shirts that hipster parents slap on their kid because it's one more thing they can use as a billboard to let the world know how clever and smart they are. That would be a wonderful bonus.

TV Shows About Cops/Lawyers/Doctors - Everything that can possible be said about those subjects has now officially been said and that will hold true until forever. Unless you're going to do something really kooky with the concept... a cop that's also a sofa bed, or a lawyer that tours the world as part of the E Street Band, or a doctor that only treats leprechauns... then just fucking stop. Try some original ideas, for fucks sake! It's not that hard! Here... here's three original ideas that you can have for free: 1) A homeless guy has adventures with a Pegasus that's all in his mind (it's like a modern day Calvin & Hobbes)... 2) A chef opens a restaurant on the site of a horrible mass murder and has to fight off ghosts AND the nightly dinner rush. Wackiness ensues and also people get their faces ripped off by supernatural beings... 3) A circus clown tries every week to convince the local townspeople that he's not a serial killer. He is actually a serial killer and he kills all the townspeople every week. The last half hour of the show is him laughing hysterically in full make-up while cleaning the blood off his clown shoes. (I just freaked myself out a little)


Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

My wife and I saw Jeremy Piven in Starbucks on Saturday. He had a pot belly. You're right. I'm still sore at him for dropping out of the Mamet play. Jerk. You can't just fucking up and quit because you're sick of doing it! Asshole.

7:19 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

let's get all the babies in the world drunk on martinis and then force feed them to jeremy piven.

thereby killing off three birds with one big ass drunk (douche) stone.

2:56 PM  
Blogger lacochran said...

It's not like anyone orders a real martini anymore anyway. They look at specialty martini menus and pick something revoltingly sweet in a dayglo color with a cutesy name. People, just because it's served in a martini glass doesn't mean it's a martini. Now, snap out of it!

4:13 PM  
Blogger Zella said...

The animator in me died laughing-- imagining a waiter's view on a slow-motion butthole mouth ordering something they've only seen in film noir that ends up being sack flavored.

Oh shit... How did I find this website? Where am I?

6:53 PM  

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