Getting Avatarded: Pre-Movie Thoughts
Let me be perfectly frank with you good, pleasant-smelling people: Avatar, judging by the previews, looks totally stupid. I know this is a controversial opinion and, it seems, one without much merit given that everyone on the planet has seen and enjoyed the movie except for a few Inuits stuck on an ice flow in Northern Canada, the legally brain dead taking up bed-space in our nation's great hospitals, and myself. Yet, I hold fast to that statement. Have you SEEN the trailer? With the big bird thing? And all the half-naked blue people running around? Those fuckers are what really bug me about Avatar, and here's why: When I see the blue chick rocking a bikini all sexy-tits, it makes me think of one thing and one thing only... James Cameron beating off. What I mean is, Avatar is a labor of love for the dude; he's been making it for, in my estimation, a million billion years (or since Titanic came out, whatever). There are only two things that could keep a person interested in a project that long; the need to pay a large debt back to the mob, or a sexual fetish... say, for ten-foot tall blue chicks... so powerful, it gives you carpal tunnel just thinking about it. Avatar, in my estimation, appears to be a lot of visually busy sci-fi noise that really only exists to cover up a sad, lonely man's desperate attempts at maintaining an erection.
Of course, I could be wrong.
There's every chance that Cameron is just a big ol' nerd with an unholy (and by that, I literally mean "satanic") amount of money at his disposal and this... a three-hour movie about, apparently, violent rain forest conservation... is what we get when we turn someone like that loose.
I guess we'll see. But if James Cameron jizzes on the back of my neck at ANY point during the screening, I'm out.
-"The plot and characters and acting are all kind of weak, but the visuals, man... THE VISUALS." This is almost as big a turn-off as, "...yeah, but it's got a GREAT soundtrack." You know what else has great visuals? Internet porn. And for that, I don't have to leave my apartment. Or put on pants.
-Junior Mints or Twizzlers? How can I possibly choose between them? Why must life be so fucking hard???
-The real nugget of truth here is that, were Avatar not being shown in 3D, I probably would just wait for video. What can I say, I'm a sucker for that additional dimension. I would like to point out, though, that My Bloody Valentine 3D featured a guy taking a pick-axe to the back of his head, causing his eyeball to be thrust outward towards the audience. It was awesome. Oh, Avatar... do YOU have 3D eyeball stabbings? The answer to that question kind of makes or breaks you in the court of C-dog's Opinion. Just sayin'.