Fun With Anonymous Commenters
This is in reference to a series of posts I wrote last year about pop culture-themed religious Facebook flair. You remember: It was a scathing attack on organized religion designed to turn our nation's younger generation towards... worst case... Atheism, and... best case... my sweet, dark, lord and master, Satan. Oh, what a wonderful, evil plan it was! Having a little fun at the expense of a Facebook application was just step one in my master plan; next I would have updated my status message to read "The Devil iz awesome, OMG," then I would have tagged all the innocent children in the world in a photograph of myself and Anton LaVey fist-bumping at a black metal concert.
Finally, world domination and the most kick-ass demon orgy this side of the River Styx.
Anyway, the above comment was posted on one of those articles last night and, quite frankly, it warmed my heart. There's nothing out there that can pound-for-pound match the pure entertainment value of a deeply crazy, deeply religious person with their non-sexual, loin-covering undergarments in a twist. So, just for funsies, let's break down my new biggest fan's comment. Perhaps the path to salvation lies within.
YOU are a horrible person - I like how they capitalized the "YOU." They didn't want there to be any doubt as to who they thought was a horrible person. The hell of it is (no pun intended), they're right. I am a horrible person. I took a light-hearted run at Jesus on the Internet!!! Holy shit, is there a cell available at The Hauge? Can I turn myself in personally to Kirk Cameron? Also, one time, I ate a baby. AND I DIDN'T SAY GRACE!!!
to be feeding information to people like this - Okay, let's be real honest here; I write a BLOG. A silly little internet goof-a-thon that is read by a small group of incredibly attractive, like-minded individuals who appreciate the ramblings of the drunk. I'm not exactly holding sway over the masses, here. While I appreciate the implication that I'm some sort of a net-based Anderson Cooper, it just simply is not the case. If I could command any of you to do anything, it would be to bring me a burrito.
Ugh - Your disgust is now palpable, but you should have followed it up with a "Grrrr" or an "Ack!" to really drive your point home.
People like you - Waiters?
have damned our younger generation. - Again, I think you're attaching way too much significance to a few jokes from a series of posts that weren't even that popular to begin with (and are over a year old). If you really want to jump all over something that's "damning our younger generation," why not go after that Jersey Shore abortion that's currently taking a fat dump on the shag carpet of our collective consciousness. It's a show that is literally about the worshiping of golden idols, what with all the rub-on bronzer being used. Go yell at them.
JESUS IS GOOD. ALL DAY EVERYDAY(: - I have it on good authority that Jesus can be a real grouch first thing in the morning, before he's had his holy grail of coffee, so let's cut the "all day everyday" nonsense. I will give you this though: Jesus is good. I have no doubt about that. I'm not a religious man, myself, but I am aware that Jesus was real, was very good at talking to people and making them feel better about themselves, and he caught a bad beat at the very end. That's what you freaky religious types don't get... I got no beef with the man himself. Jesus was, by all accounts, a force for good. The problem we heathens have with religion is PEOPLE LIKE YOU... those of you that feel the need to wield your religion like a baseball bat, smacking down those that disagree with your point of view. That you chose to not give your name in this instance only shows your weakness. I guess the religion bat doesn't come with a matching holier-than-thou shield; the tough-guy armor of anonymity will have to do.