Monday, January 04, 2010

Fun With Anonymous Commenters

"YOU are a horrible person to be feeding information to people like this. Ugh. People like you have damned our younger generation. JESUS IS GOOD. ALL DAY EVERYDAY(:"

This is in reference to a series of posts I wrote last year about pop culture-themed religious Facebook flair. You remember: It was a scathing attack on organized religion designed to turn our nation's younger generation towards... worst case... Atheism, and... best case... my sweet, dark, lord and master, Satan. Oh, what a wonderful, evil plan it was! Having a little fun at the expense of a Facebook application was just step one in my master plan; next I would have updated my status message to read "The Devil iz awesome, OMG," then I would have tagged all the innocent children in the world in a photograph of myself and Anton LaVey fist-bumping at a black metal concert.

Finally, world domination and the most kick-ass demon orgy this side of the River Styx.

Anyway, the above comment was posted on one of those articles last night and, quite frankly, it warmed my heart. There's nothing out there that can pound-for-pound match the pure entertainment value of a deeply crazy, deeply religious person with their non-sexual, loin-covering undergarments in a twist. So, just for funsies, let's break down my new biggest fan's comment. Perhaps the path to salvation lies within.

YOU are a horrible person - I like how they capitalized the "YOU." They didn't want there to be any doubt as to who they thought was a horrible person. The hell of it is (no pun intended), they're right. I am a horrible person. I took a light-hearted run at Jesus on the Internet!!! Holy shit, is there a cell available at The Hauge? Can I turn myself in personally to Kirk Cameron? Also, one time, I ate a baby. AND I DIDN'T SAY GRACE!!!

to be feeding information to people like this - Okay, let's be real honest here; I write a BLOG. A silly little internet goof-a-thon that is read by a small group of incredibly attractive, like-minded individuals who appreciate the ramblings of the drunk. I'm not exactly holding sway over the masses, here. While I appreciate the implication that I'm some sort of a net-based Anderson Cooper, it just simply is not the case. If I could command any of you to do anything, it would be to bring me a burrito.

Ugh - Your disgust is now palpable, but you should have followed it up with a "Grrrr" or an "Ack!" to really drive your point home.

People like you - Waiters?

have damned our younger generation. - Again, I think you're attaching way too much significance to a few jokes from a series of posts that weren't even that popular to begin with (and are over a year old). If you really want to jump all over something that's "damning our younger generation," why not go after that Jersey Shore abortion that's currently taking a fat dump on the shag carpet of our collective consciousness. It's a show that is literally about the worshiping of golden idols, what with all the rub-on bronzer being used. Go yell at them.

JESUS IS GOOD. ALL DAY EVERYDAY(: - I have it on good authority that Jesus can be a real grouch first thing in the morning, before he's had his holy grail of coffee, so let's cut the "all day everyday" nonsense. I will give you this though: Jesus is good. I have no doubt about that. I'm not a religious man, myself, but I am aware that Jesus was real, was very good at talking to people and making them feel better about themselves, and he caught a bad beat at the very end. That's what you freaky religious types don't get... I got no beef with the man himself. Jesus was, by all accounts, a force for good. The problem we heathens have with religion is PEOPLE LIKE YOU... those of you that feel the need to wield your religion like a baseball bat, smacking down those that disagree with your point of view. That you chose to not give your name in this instance only shows your weakness. I guess the religion bat doesn't come with a matching holier-than-thou shield; the tough-guy armor of anonymity will have to do.

9 Comments:

Blogger Joy said...

Welcome back to blogland.

Missed you.

Please keep writing, about anything, don't give this blog up.

2:04 PM  
Blogger Meat Sweats said...

Love that you are blogging again. And the fact that you made a Kirk Cameron reference so early in the new year has completely made my day. Ha, Kirk Cameron.

2:19 PM  
Blogger Hex said...

It's good to see you back blogging. It's a little worrysome that you apparently saved those weird toilet pictures all this time, but hey -- to each his own.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Joy... I appreciate the positivity. No worries, though... this blog is not being given up. I thought about for half a second, but then decided that was stupid. I've worked too hard over the last few years to get ZFS! where it is today. Ditching all of that now would be retarded.

Meat Sweats... Kirk Cameron is one of my least favorite people of all time. He's everything that's smarmy and gross about religion. His sister is a babe, though.

Hex... What, you don't have thousands of weird toilet pictures at your disposal?

4:30 PM  
Blogger Cray said...

I think that was edited. Through the magic of the intarwebs and boredom at work, I have found the original post:

"YOU are a wonderful dancer to be feeding information to people like this. Pow! People like you have encouraged our sexiest scientists. JESUS IS METAL. ALL DAY EVERYDAY, AND SOMETIMES TWICE ON WEEKENDS <3"

6:02 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

Yea! You're back! Remember, some Jesus-y people also hate Facebook apps that try to make Jesus too cool for school (I didn't make that up)

9:16 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Dude, being an incredibly attractive Like minded individual such as myself, I would SOOOO bring you a burrito...

10:22 PM  
Anonymous I was here tomorrow said...

Do you hear that? It's the sound of this generation being damned... What? You don't hear anything? That's weird. Maybe it's because reading a blog post written by a wasted guy at three in the morning is not going to cause anyone to become an inherently different person. Or perhaps it is because, if by this person's account, making fun of Facebook flair condems you for all eternity, then the whole of my generation are already on the express lane toward parties with Satan.
Also, Anonymous (as you weren't endowed by your creator enough balls to even provide a screen name) just as a tip: the next time you decide to play a very negitive game of Metophysical Eye Spy with blog posts from the dawn of time (last year), might i point out that adding a smiley face on the end drives the already nonexistant credibility of what I'm sure you thought was a scathing comment ment to electronicaly smite a sinner on behalf of your Savior (Gentle Jesus, Meek and Mild, generaly against smiting of any kind).

10:58 PM  
Anonymous I was here tomorrow said...

Do you hear that? It's the sound of this generation being damned... What? You don't hear anything? That's weird. Maybe it's because reading a blog post written by a wasted guy at three in the morning is not going to cause anyone to become an inherently different person. Or perhaps it is because, if by this person's account, making fun of Facebook flair condems you for all eternity, then the whole of my generation are already on the express lane toward parties with Satan.
Also, Anonymous (as you weren't endowed by your creator with enough balls to even provide a screen name) just as a tip: the next time you decide to play a very negitive game of Metophysical I Spy with blog posts from the dawn of time (last year), might I point out that adding a smiley face on the end drives the already nonexistant credibility of what I'm sure you thought was a scathing comment ment to electronicaly smite a sinner on behalf of your Savior (Gentle Jesus, Meek and Mild, generaly against smiting of any kind). :) See?

11:02 PM  

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