Monday, January 11, 2010

Your Family is Awful

I want to extrapolate on something I mentioned yesterday... two things, actually... because I want there to be an understanding between us with regards to how much I hate other people, generally, and your family, specifically.

Let me first say that I don't hate your family, or people, really, as individuals. They all have hopes and dreams and a right to exist just as much as I do (though, granted, they do it much less handsomely). What I mean when I say "I hate people" is that I hate the IDEA of people... the mass of humanity that one has to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe it's because I work in the service industry, where I routinely come into contact with the worst specimens our population has to offer...

To wit: Last night, I waited on an extremely oily dude who was pouring drinks into a prostitute (not kidding) that he had just picked up from, in my estimation, a detox center or some sort of used clothing store that traffics mainly in Spandex. It was a sad scene; who has to get a prostitute drunk first? That totally misses the point of paying for sex.

Anyway, point is, we as a group are awful and I hate us. Which brings to your family.

Here's the thing... I love MY family. They're good people, fun to be around, tolerant of my excesses and lifestyle choices, and they've always been decent (TOO decent) to me. That being the case, I see no need to have another family in my life. So if I'm going to find a girl to settle down with (on the couch, in our sweats, eating frosting from the can with a butter knife), I'd really prefer it if she was an orphan or her whole family was in jail for tax fraud. Or some such, the details aren't important.

Mainly, it has to do with the holidays. I don't want to do your family's weird Christmas shit.

"Every year, Pop Pop and Mee-Maw sing 'Silent Night' and we all gather around them with lit candles and whisper our hopes for the new year into each other's ears."

"We have a White Elephant gift exchange every year and in between rounds, all the kids reenact the birth of the sweet Baby Jesus, but with hilarious raps!"

"We don't give gifts... we just write poems to each other expressing our love, then we read them aloud and the winner gets a wreath."

NO!!! God fucking dammit, no!!! I don't want to do any of that. Ever. It's cheesy and Pop Pop smells like unusual ointments and the only one having a good time is Mee-Maw, and that's because she thinks she's at a WAC dance in 1942. Also... ALSO... your family puts out weird snacks (celery and Italian dressing? curried nuts? is that egg salad or really bad cheese?), the bathroom is uncomfortably close to the main gathering room, and I'm pretty sure your cousins are making out under the mistletoe and no one seems to care!

Please, I just want to hang out with my family... who, for the record, don't do any weird Christmas shit at all... and drink enough liberally-spiked egg nog to make me forget about all the evil in the world for a little while.

I'm not joking about this. One of these days, I'm going to meet a nice girl and we're going to get married and every year, I will pitch a huge fucking fit about having to deal with her family over the holidays. I will be petty and childish about it. I will pout and drink in secret and steal her car keys and try to ruin Christmas for everybody. Soon her family will have a brand new holiday tradition... not inviting me over ever again.

Anyway, now it's out in the open. Ladies, you can't say you weren't warned. (p.s. your family smells)


Blogger TOWR said...

This is why I want to marry an orphan. My family doesn't do any of that stuff either--crap, we don't really even do that say-one-thing-you're-thankful-for thing at Thanksgiving. My poor sister married into a family where they *do* write poetry. She's still uncomfortable with it.

5:52 PM  
Anonymous Amy said...

we're nonreligious heathens that graze like cattle around a huge buffet mom has made until we're all groaning and bloated, quickly open gifts and leave as soon as the last bit of gift wrapping hits the garbage bag.

if any one of us busted out with poetry, they'd be heckled and sent to fetch more rum for the tom and jerrys.

8:55 PM  
Blogger Laura D said...

I can't fucking stand my family. Please marry me and then I will have an excuse not to have to put up with their bullcrap on the holidays anymore. Thank you.

9:07 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

When I got married we didn't mess with either family thing-- we had Christmas at our house and people (from either side hers or mine) were invited. Her parents chose not to come and mine did show up but it was OUR house and we made up the rules. -- also from your post of yesterday I am also fond of women that come sans penis.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

TOWR... Ew, really? Who actually does that? I was just being a wiseass; I didn't really expect there to be a family out there that writes poetry together like that's a normal-sauce thing to do. Tell your sister to get the fuck out while she's got her youth.

Amy... I like the sound of this buffett. Let me know when the next one is being laid out and I'll show up with Tupperware.

Laura... Pretty enticing offer. How do you feel about drinking liquor straight from the bottle and drunkenly heckling infomercials from the comfort of my couch? Because if you're down with that, then I might need to do some ring shopping.

Bill... Smart man, although there is one flaw there: You still have to deal with other people. Next time, tell them that you've got a highly contagious flu or something.

2:50 AM  
Blogger Meg Kathleen said...

A-Fucking-Men! If somebody had told me about this sharing holidays crap I would have just stayed single forever.

7:20 PM  
Blogger Laura D said...


I prefer to pour my bourbon into a glass about 75 percent of the time (a habit I picked up when I started making more than 25k a year), but really, all the other parts of your plan sound fine.

8:55 PM  

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