Sunday, January 10, 2010

What I Look For in a Woman: Then & Now

THEN (late teens, early, mid, and early-late 20's)

-A modern-day Annie Hall; someone one wacky and weird, but with a unique perspective on life.

-Inherent beauty like some sort of Italian painting ripped off the wall of a museum; perfection isn't necessarily key, but being within spitting distance would be a major plus.

-Killer CD collection; we should be able to swap life-changing mix tapes back and forth until one of us dies a tragic death set to an obscure Joy Division B-side.

-The sexual appetite of that chick from Species, but without all the chest cavity puncturing.

-An intellect that both challenges and stimulates me; a deep love of trivia is sexier than all the lingerie in every Frederick's of Hollywood franchise across the USA.

-A tolerance for alcohol that rivals my own, if not surpasses it. Think Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, but as a foxy lady sans the death wish.


NOW (now)

-No penis.

-Her own place, so I don't have to move anything in my apartment.

-A fondness for splitting a pint of Ben & Jerry's while watching lengthy marathons of TV episodes on DVD.

-A bad relationship with her parents, so I don't have to meet her parents.

-Two arms, two legs, and at least 90% of all fingers and toes (I'm flexible on this one).

-Must be okay with me keeping my shirt on during sex. I don't want to, in the heat of the moment, confuse my boobs with hers. Very embarrassing.

-A preference towards being "the little spoon."

-A relaxed attitude towards farts (she's allowed to fart too; my relationships are a two way street, gas-wise).

-A hatred for other people that matches my own.


Blogger LSL said...

Marry me.

3:07 PM  
Anonymous Amy said...

nothing bonds a couple like mutual hatred.

i actually like my breaker?

5:59 PM  
Blogger Meat Sweats said...

Clearly our love of things protein is not the only thing we share, yet i fear we are too much alike to last. What happens when you come home from work and I've drank all the alcohol in the house? You beat me like a hobo and leave me for dead?

11:14 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

LSL... Well, okay, but I want a June wedding. And I'm wearing white, damnit!

Amy... I'm flexible on the parent thing as well, provided you pick up the first pint of Ben & Jerry's.

Meat... I would never beat you like a hobo, as I try not to let my hobbies interfere with my relationships. However, if I were to come home to a boozeless house, I would probably passive-aggresively drink anything I found under the sink that looked like it could give me a buzz. That is how I roll.

4:19 AM  
Anonymous Circe said...

My misanthropic soul mate!

7:06 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Too bad Texas isn't closer... Cuz if you like chicks that hate most people, have constant urges to punch children, is smarter than the average bear, knows all the words to Fight Club, can curse better than most bikers, has every episode of OZ, LOST, and Stargate SG-1 on DVD, and can make something to smoke pot out of from almost anything then I'm your girl... however, you have to get your own fucking pint of B&J...

8:44 PM  

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