Thursday, January 14, 2010

Movie Poster A Go-Go

The Crazies

Another horror remake, but it's okay because... well... have you actually seen the original? Not great. Not horrible, mind you; it's got some spiky bits of action, a fun vicious streak, and it's certainly the most vividly colored horror movie Romero ever produced (seriously, it's like he had a marketing deal with Crayola). But really, there's not exactly a classic being desecrated here.

The poster is good, too. I'm a big proponent of farm equipment being used in horror flicks. If someone can figure out how to wield a wheat thresher in a menacing fashion, I'll camp outside the theater a week before opening day. I don't know what it is about farm equipment that I find inherently scary. Maybe it's because the tools themselves imply work, and work is frightening to a person such as myself (lazy to the point where I'm afraid my bones might melt). Or maybe it's because they're usually old and rusty and found in a barn that's stuffed full of dead hitchhikers, the ghosts of dead hitchhikers, and shelf after shelf of canned yams (yams are icky). Either way, big thumbs up to the pitchfork, especially since it's zen gardening up the place with blood.

Oh, and I like the tagline too. "Fear thy neighbor." I currently fear my neighbors... they're meth addicts and will probably burn the building down one day, or at least stab me in the parking lot for drug money... so the sentiment is particularly apt.


My first reaction to the plot of this movie... teens trapped overnight on a ski lift during a blizzard... was a hearty eye-roll and a round of scoffing that made me sound like a 19th century barrister. Then I thought about it for a minute. You know what? If I were trapped on a ski lift overnight during a blizzard, it probably WOULD be pretty scary. Especially since I'd have no idea how I got on the ski lift in the first place, seeing as how I don't ski. Ever. A fat man was not meant to travel at such speeds.

I ended up watching the trailer for this and, okay, it looks pretty alright. There's this part where one of the chicks wakes up and realizes that her hand is stuck to the metal safety bar of the ski lift... then she rips it off!!! Pretty intense, especially for those of us who've damaged their tongues in a similar manner because they didn't believe the the rumors when they were 11.

The poster makes this look like Cliffhanger, though. So that's lame. Don't tempt me with evil John Lithgow and not deliver, Frozen. Not cool. (see what I did there)


Eh. As much as I dig the old Universal monster movies, this just doesn't do anything for me. I've never really "gotten" Benicio Del Toro, for one thing, and also werewolves are my least favorite supernatural subject for a movie ever (with the exception of the Jack Nicholson movie Wolf, because it had a scene where Jack Nicholson peed on James Spader, and that's just spectacular).

This poster sucks, too. Part of it's in French... HELLO, This is AMERICA!!!... and it's just a bunch of floating heads hovering over... what? A midnight rave? An alien abduction? The return of Jesus?

Yeah, no thanks. Remake The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and maybe we'll talk.

Sex and the City 2

Good lord. This poster is like having a disco ball shoved up your ass. Which, coincidentally, is something I'd rather do than sit through this movie.

Other things I'd rather do than sit through Sex and the City 2:

-Have a weed-wacker indelicately applied to my scrotum
-Take an invigorating swim in AIDS blood
-Hang out at an abortion clinic on Christmas Eve
-Get thrown in a prison shower wearing a tattered prom dress
-Marry, settle down, and start a family with an angry grizzly bear

Edge of Darkness

I don't like it when they make the posters look like the star of the movie is having a gun fight in a tornado. Why it gotta be all swirly/blurry? It's not dramatic. It just looks like there's a lot of straight-line winds with flung debris.
Anyway, this movie looks okay... kind of like Mystic River, if Sean Penn had decided to just kill a bunch of people instead of mourn in an Oscar-winning fashion. I do like, however one particular line in the trailer. At one point, Ol' Mel growls in voice-over, "Well you had better decide if you're hangin' on the cross, or banging in the nails."

Okay, that's hardcore. Welcome back, Riggs!!! We'll try to keep the Jews out of the audience for you.


Blogger Meat Sweats said...

Definitely agree with you on the Frozen poster. The first thing that came to my mind was Cliffhanger.

10:24 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

edge of darkness look dark and cool but that poster is shit. it just looks like a bunch of floating badly photoshopped together body parts.

4:17 PM  

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