Monday, January 18, 2010

Golden Globes or Celebrity Halloween (2010)

Sandra Bullock as...



...a shameless bid to get cast in the next Avatar movie. (she skinned a mythical creature and wore it's pelt around James Cameron)


Drew Barrymore as...



...hospital teaching tool that helps young med students learn how to spot and identify massive body tumors.


Chloe Sevigny as...



...a pretentious jellyfish that goes to award shows ironically.


Mickey Rourke as...



...the bad-guy sheriff in a rock opera western put on by a community theater that comes from a land without a word for "taste."


Nicole Kidman as...



...an antique doll possessed by the Devil that escaped from its Victorian mansion and is about to fuck shit up at a sorority house, circa 1987.


Cher and Christina Aguilera as...



...a million gay asthmatics reaching for their inhalers as the edges of time and space begin to fold in on each other with the clasping of their hands; old self and new self meet as one, ripping the fabric of our world asunder; the darkness is the light, the light is the darkness.


Tracy Morgan as...



...the tour guide to my hopes and dreams.


Kristen Bell as...



...the winner of the Meta Costume of the Night: She's dressed as the wadded-up tissue that was produced by a lonely nerd after masturbating to an all-night Veronica Mars marathon.


Patricia Arquette & Thomas Jane as...



...characters from a hillbilly horror movie come to life and sent out into the world to buy large quantities of meth before peeling the face off a hitchhiker just for fun.

Tina Fey as...


...the least fun lamp shade in the lamp shade store.


Vera Farmiga as...



...a dead-eyed alien that came to Earth to destroy us but fell in love with high fashion and spared us our fate only after being presented with a signed letter from the President allowing her to "go fucking nuts" on Rodeo Drive courtesy of the American people.

Ginnifer Goodwin as...


...the girl from your favorite indie romance who has stepped out of the screen Purple Rose of Cairo-style to poke you in the eye with her umbrella and remind you that no mix tape you could ever make would ever be cool enough for her.


Lea Michelle as...



...the Black Plague.

Christina Hendricks as...


...the reason men will always lose to women in the grand scheme of things, because how are we supposed to compete with THAT? I mean, come the fuck on! She could order you to kill and if she did it in a breathy voice, you'd be smashing out teeth with a tack hammer and trying to figure out what chemicals best melt a human skull, thinking all the while, "I did it, man... I did it for her... God, I want to see her boobs..."

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