7 Things I'm Not Sure Still Exist
Aerosol Deodorants - Horrible product. I went through a phase in high school where... I don't know... I thought I was hanging around a lot of 70's locker rooms or something, so I used the aerosol deodorants quite a bit. Then I realized that it sucks to have icy blasts of smell-enhanced air slap you in the pits first thing in the morning. Also, I think they're like napalm for the ozone (I didn't see An Inconvenient Truth but I assume the topic was covered).
Kiwi - Brown and hairy, but a frightening shade of green inside. Plus black seeds. Nah. These things were probably just a myth. There's a Jelly Belly jellybean that's Kiwi flavored, but I think that's just a small lie that covers up The Big Lie. Fruit conspiracies are real, you guys...
Cheri Oteri - She was in every comedy for like three years, then not in anything ever again. She wasn't murdered, was she? Because I'm going to feel really bad if she was killed in a domestic dispute or hit by a stray bullet from a drive-by and I just didn't happen to pick up an Us Weekly that week.
Those really thick Fruit Roll-Up bars that had the lines of "cream" in them - I don't know what they were actually called, but I'll be damned if they weren't some tasty processed corn syrup motherfuckers. Also, remember when Fruit Roll-Up had an "apple" flavor, but it wasn't all bullshit lime green sour explosion whatever? It was brown and it tasted like cider. Those were the best. Now Fruit Roll-Ups are designed to make your mouth turn blue and give kids sugar highs that will last through an entire semester. Fruit Roll-Ups used to be ABOUT something, man...
Boobs - In theory, I know they're still out there... however... it's been a while since I've seen any with my own eyes. I know, I know... internet porn. All I'm saying is you can do a lot of amazing things with special effects. Did y'all know that Pandora isn't real? Those blue freaks are FAKE! James "LIAR" Cameron ain't getting my vote for Best Documentary any more.
Red Dog Beer- The shirts were always more popular than the actual product itself... not to mention the urban legend about how the logo was Batman going down on a chick (don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about)... but can you still buy this? Could you ever? I bet if anyone would have it, it'd be the ghetto convenience store next to my apartment. They seem to carry all kinds of alcohol, even those that only exist in the fevered imagination of the Wu-Tang Clan.
Clever ways to end a blog post - Because seriously, I got nothin'.