Friday, January 29, 2010

7 Things I'm Not Sure Still Exist

NOTE: If you know that any of these things DO still exist, please feel free to share with the rest of the internet.

Aerosol Deodorants - Horrible product. I went through a phase in high school where... I don't know... I thought I was hanging around a lot of 70's locker rooms or something, so I used the aerosol deodorants quite a bit. Then I realized that it sucks to have icy blasts of smell-enhanced air slap you in the pits first thing in the morning. Also, I think they're like napalm for the ozone (I didn't see An Inconvenient Truth but I assume the topic was covered).

Kiwi - Brown and hairy, but a frightening shade of green inside. Plus black seeds. Nah. These things were probably just a myth. There's a Jelly Belly jellybean that's Kiwi flavored, but I think that's just a small lie that covers up The Big Lie. Fruit conspiracies are real, you guys...

Cheri Oteri - She was in every comedy for like three years, then not in anything ever again. She wasn't murdered, was she? Because I'm going to feel really bad if she was killed in a domestic dispute or hit by a stray bullet from a drive-by and I just didn't happen to pick up an Us Weekly that week.

Those really thick Fruit Roll-Up bars that had the lines of "cream" in them - I don't know what they were actually called, but I'll be damned if they weren't some tasty processed corn syrup motherfuckers. Also, remember when Fruit Roll-Up had an "apple" flavor, but it wasn't all bullshit lime green sour explosion whatever? It was brown and it tasted like cider. Those were the best. Now Fruit Roll-Ups are designed to make your mouth turn blue and give kids sugar highs that will last through an entire semester. Fruit Roll-Ups used to be ABOUT something, man...

Boobs - In theory, I know they're still out there... however... it's been a while since I've seen any with my own eyes. I know, I know... internet porn. All I'm saying is you can do a lot of amazing things with special effects. Did y'all know that Pandora isn't real? Those blue freaks are FAKE! James "LIAR" Cameron ain't getting my vote for Best Documentary any more.

Red Dog Beer- The shirts were always more popular than the actual product itself... not to mention the urban legend about how the logo was Batman going down on a chick (don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about)... but can you still buy this? Could you ever? I bet if anyone would have it, it'd be the ghetto convenience store next to my apartment. They seem to carry all kinds of alcohol, even those that only exist in the fevered imagination of the Wu-Tang Clan.

Clever ways to end a blog post - Because seriously, I got nothin'.


Blogger Ela said...

Oh Cheri Oteri... is it wrong that I own her SNL DVD? I loved her skit about Rita DelVecchio... because when I was a kid, I lived across someone who was just like her. God forbid your baseball or hockey puck made its way to her lawn. She would watch you, take the ball once it landed on her property and it would be gone forever... Come to think of it... It may have been my streets ‘Sandlot’ moment.
Its interesting (although geekish to note) that once Kristen Wiig appeared on SNL, Wiig has been cast in roles that would have gone to Oteri. So Oterio disappears in 2000, Wiig appears in 2000. Perhaps its too much of a conspiracy theory?

3:16 PM  
Blogger Meat Sweats said...

I have a mug full of bottle caps in my basement, and three of them are from Red Dog Beers, proof that at one point you could buy them (also proof that I drank under age).

3:22 PM  
Blogger Voso said...

The liquor store up the street from me sells Red Dog by the 30-pack. For a 50-cent-per-can beer, it's pretty great.

3:37 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

i have seen "boobs" recently, live and in person so I know they still exist ... although in all honestly I was at a strip bar so in the sense that you can have them willingly held up against your face, maybe so much...

9:03 PM  
OpenID blamemyrobot said...

I used to use Aerosol Deodorants too when I was younger. Then began to burn my armpits... so yeah... I stopped using 'em. Thus why they are now extinct... because they burnt MY armpits. I made a few calls.

2:23 PM  
Blogger Sonny Amou said...

I think I remember reading Oteri had a nervous breakdown coincident with copious drug use, and that was a main reason why she left SNL. I loved her morning java skit...

2:35 PM  
Blogger Awkward Team said...

I apparently have lived in a cave for the last oooooo 25 years of my life, never having heard of red dog beer. I googled that shite pretty fast because who doesn't like cartoonie porn-esque advertising in the morning? I can see a similarity to the batman shaped head but, dude if that other part is supposed to be catwoman then that bitch needs to see a dr, STAT. It rather looks like her head fell off, or that her *vagina* is large enough to park a turtletop van in.

12:43 PM  
Blogger fredericksof said...

Whether you’re feeling spicy or good this season, Fredericks of Hollywood lingerie, sexy costumes, jewelry and a lot will add a spiciness to your vacations. fashion 2010

5:14 AM  

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