Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Greatest Invention Ever

While everyone is busy shitting all over themselves today about the iPad... which, first off, BRAVO for giving yourself a name closely associated with periods, and second, it looks like an 80's cellphone-version of the iPhone, but it costs $11,000 and a slice of your actual soul, why exactly are people getting so hot to death about this... but anyway, while all of America is doing THAT, let's talk about what really is the greatest invention of the last year, or decade, or maybe even ever because it comes with gratis guacamole. Kids, I give you:

The Taco Cabana Enchilada Bowl

Half-eaten, of course, because I couldn't start writing this thing until I'd shoved some of it into my head (any hole will do) and savored its loving warmth and warming love.
Shit, this thing is a work of art. Let me describe it for you, and then tell me if your pants aren't ripped from the boner/your chair isn't now best described as "gooey."
It all starts with one of those taco salad shell-bowl things that have never, not once, been touched by an actual Mexican. They are to Hispanic food what Spaghetti-Os are to the Italians. But that's OKAY. We're not looking for authenticity here. Were that the case, I wouldn't be buying food from a building a shade of pink most associate with Trapper Keepers or Tinkerbell's labia.
So the shell is there all, "bring it on," and into it is poured your standard rice and beans. Cabana's are of good quality, thus it acts as a sturdy foundation upon which to build our dreams.
Here's where it gets apeshit. They start slopping on the toppings with a reckless abandon; chunky pico de gallo, a dollop of sour cream the size of a Cinnabon, a glob of guacamole... you don't even have to ASK for it... it's not a dollar extra, or ANYTHING... it's just there, fresh-looking and eager like a prom date.
Then... oh, my babies... then they take what's already a pretty tasty bowl of food and soccer-style kick it through the uprights of deliciousness: They drop two cheese enchiladas on top of the whole swirling food orgy. Just BLAM and BLAM, right there, soaking in the awesome like a demon getting a suntan from the reflected glory of Satan's balls.
Final step, they melt cheese over the goddamn thing and it's almost more than you can physically handle. It's one orgasm too many, where you feel emotionally exhausted even though you know you'll talk about this day with your friends in a hushed, reverent tone.
And then to eat it... what can one say. It's making out with God, all hot tongue and lip-biting. It's being shot through the very center of your being with an alien light that makes you pure again, virginal, innocent. It's a spicy, savory, neutron bomb that levels your body and makes real life seem impossible, yet within your grasp, all at once.
By that, I mean it makes you want to take a nap so long, it qualifies as a coma. The mess is tasty, but no joke it's like eating an ethnocentric cinder block.
If you live near a Taco Cabana, go eat one of these right now. Seriously. Go. When you eventually get off the toilet (and it'll be a while; bring a book), write me and tell me you don't feel this power and glory too.
NOTE: If you DON'T live near a Taco Cabana... well, sorry. The only options are to move near one, or to learn how to pull the trigger of a shotgun with your toe.


Blogger Cray said...

Did you at least have a beer with your bowl 'o psuedo-mexican goodness?

3:45 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I didn't have a beer, actually. Couldn't. Having beer with an Enchilada Bowl does the same thing as crossing the streams in Ghostbusters. I'M not going to be the asshole that rips apart the fabric of time.

5:13 PM  
Blogger Erratic said...

Wondering where to purchase a shotgun? Or maybe you could start some kind of mail order goodness? I own a microwave.

9:31 PM  

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