Seven Beastie Boys Lyrics That Do Not Apply to My Life

"Gotta castle in Brooklyn, that's where I dwell"

This used to be true, at least in the sense that I lived in Brooklyn. I didn't have a castle though; far from it. It was a very modest railroad apartment that I shared with a girlfriend. Sadly, those days are in the wind. As it stands now, I dwell in Arlington, TX; a city that the Beastie Boys have never written about in a rap song.

"Listen all y'all, this is sabotage"

Just not true. I spilled mustard on my nice hoodie because I'm generally a messy eater and, in this particular instance, I was distracted by the television (King of Queens reruns hold up surprisingly well). It would be foolish to think that there was any sort of foul play at large here. Sometimes mustard just falls.

"I did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a Wiffle Ball bat"

I haven't had sex in a while. Not my longest dry spell, but it's getting up there. And ladies, for the record, if you and I were to make sweet, sweet love, I promise you that I would not bring a piece of children's sporting equipment into the mix. That's just rude and unseemly.

"I like my sugar with coffee and cream"

No thanks. I take my coffee black, though lately I've been drinking a lot more green tea (for the antioxidants).

"We're thrashing hotels like it's going out of style"

I'm actually a very thoughtful and courteous guest when staying at any major hotel/motel chain. I realize that, should I make a mess, someone will have to clean up after me. Leaving them a "thrashed" room would just be wrong. I should mention, for honesty's sake and all, that I did once steal a can of ginger ale from a Sheraton honor bar. Thug life!

"Aw mom, you're just jealous, it's the Beastie Boys"

My mother is not a fan of rap music, even if it happens to be old-school 80's rhymes with a funky-fresh beat that still holds up today. She would much rather listen to George Strait.

"I can always make them smile/From White Castle to the Nile"

When I go to White Castle, it is to get a large sack of burgers for not a lot of money. I am usually not focused on making girls smile. Also, I have never been to Egypt. And truth be told, I don't even LIVE in an area that has White Castles (as previously mentioned), so this whole argument is really an intellectual one rather than anything grounded in reality. Ah, but it's fun to debate, isn't it. Fo shizzle.