Thursday, February 11, 2010
It's that time of year again, where everyone shoves heart-shaped boxes of love up our asses for a few weeks, bludgeoning us over the head with a dead baby Cupid, reminding us that NOW is the time FOR LOVE and if you DON'T HAVE LOVE you are LESS THAN!!! I seriously spend most of February dry-heaving, so close to vomiting but not actually vomiting, white-knuckling it until March. Which is a whole other thing, because I have major issues with St. Patrick's Day too, but that's another post for another time (specifically March).
Anyway, I hate Valentines. I hate it when I'm in a relationship, I hate it when I'm not in a relationship. It is the single worst holiday on the planet with the possible exception of Easter (where we celebrate fictional events with chocolate, though I do like the chocolate part) or that one holiday they have in the Middle East where they all get together and hate our freedom. It's the very necessary-ness of it all that stirs within me so much chalky conversation hearts-flavored bile. The YOU HAVE TO part of it, even though we don't really have to (this isn't one of those countries where they make you join the army or give thanks to large oil paintings of "our fearless leader"). There's a social contract, especially between men and women who are getting freaky all over each other, that on Feb. 14th, the man will put on a tie, the woman a dress, and they will go to an overpriced restaurant and eat expensive food and then have really forced, unpleasant, kinda cold sex even though they don't feel like it (all that rich, pricey food) because it's VALENTINE'S DAY. It has to be memorable or you've failed at the fantasy that life is like it is in the movies/TV/songs by Taylor Swift.
It's just all so gross. And the gifts? God, this is who the holiday is actually for. The people that shit out stuffed animals for 30 cents a pop and sell them for $25 bucks. Have you seen these Vermont Teddy Bear abortions? Hang on, I've got pictures...
It's a "Knight in Shining Armor" Bear. Which is just fucked up because that's a bullshit concept that's sold to little girls who grow up to be women that expect their boyfriends/husbands to be this thing that they're not. Superhuman, fighting metaphorical dragons, etc. The men feel weak when their weakness is exposed... and it ALWAYS is... and the women are heartbroken because they feel like there IS a Knight in Shining Armor out there and they just chose wrong. It's what causes a healthy chunk of the divorce rate and now it's REPRESENTED IN A BEAR. God, you might as well give your significant other a glimpse into her own sad future via a mystical fortune teller or a Magic 8-Ball painted pink (for the holiday).
And then there's this god damned thing...
It's a bandit. Because "you stole my heart, so here's a cheap visual gag to explain that." Plus it's got candy. I don't know, I guess this one isn't as bad as the other one, but still. Thief Bear is only a desperate situation away from Double-Homicide Bear, don't ever forget it.
Look, I know I'm being a bit of a pill here. I know a large part of it comes from the fact that I'm lonely and kind of miserable and living in a town that wish was a city, but... I don't know... I think it's also because I've learned a lot about what it is to really love someone in the last couple of years. REALLY really love them. It's not fake red hearts and it's not buying candy and it's not "I'm your little devil" or a thousand other cutesy sayings.
It's letting someone sob into your shoulder when their mom dies. It's going out to the store to get a bottle of Tylenol because your girl/boyfriend is too hungover to move. It's being so comfortable around each other that farting is a hilarious contest and the sleep grit in your eyes doesn't stop the other one from thinking you're the most attractive thing on the planet. Love is a REAL thing, more so than religion or knowledge or the fact that every kiss begins with Kay (fact: most kisses begin with a third margarita). Love can never be expressed through a pre-fab greeting card; in my life, it never will be. However...
I'll keep your hair out of your face when you're vomiting from the flu.
I'll make you a sandwich when you're too busy studying for your Masters to feed yourself.
I'll keep you warm when the heat stops working. I'm fat, and basically a Tauntaun.
THAT is love. Fuck Valentines Day and everything it stands for. Cheapening love shouldn't be celebrated.