Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Colorado Rockies: Success Secrets



NOTE: Last night, the Colorado Rockies achieved the improbable, capping off a 21-out-of-22 winning streak with a sweep of the Arizona Diamondbacks to earn themselves a trip to the franchises first ever World Series. Because we here at ZFS! are committed to always "getting the scoop," we sent an intrepid reporter to Denver to uncover just what it is that has turned this ball club from a six-losing-season bunch of losers who suck and are stupid into the handsome champions of the National League that are awesome and also hung like mules (so I hear). After hiding for several hours in an equipment case in the Rockies' locker room, then following team Manager Clint Hurdle to his home and begging him for information until the police showed up, our reporter submitted these fascinating, completely-true facts about how, precisely, this team did this thing that now everyone's going all apeshit about...

The Success Secrets Of The Colorado Rockies, or, "Oooh, Look At Us, We Won, We're Sooooo Cool!!!"

-They use a combination of seasoned veterans, talented youngsters, and one man who fell to Earth many years ago from parts unknown that can play either centerfield or left field and can change the trajectory of the baseball with his mind. Also, he eats pine tar and is in a committed relationship with the pitching mound at Coors Field.

-Every member of the Colorado Rockies carries a gun with them on the field, just to increase the... you know... "intimidation factor."

-Uniform pants that really let their junk "breathe."

-Fight club.

-The team really bonded over Clint Hurdle's mandatory group readings of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, especially when rookie Troy Tulowitzki would do his hilarious impression of Professor Snape! Oh, how they would laugh together, not realizing that they were also learning the true meaning of friendship.

-The Rockies maintained a "Christian" clubhouse, meaning that no copies of Playboy or Penthouse were allowed in the lockers, obscenity-filled music was banned, and scripture quotes were prominently displayed, upon which the players were encouraged to reflect. Doing this earned the team the official approval of Jesus, which is incredible considering that Jesus is usually much more of a hockey kind of guy, at least according to The Bible.

-Strict "No Girls Allowed" policy, because girls have cooties and cooties will make you go blind and you'll drop balls in the outfield and stuff. It's true, Brad Hawpe's older brother said so and he has a Camero, so, like, he knows stuff. Once he bought the whole team wine coolers!

-Pure, goddamned manliness, combined with sound fundamentals of course. But mostly it's the goddamned manliness.

7 Comments:

Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

I never had a problem with the pistol, I did think the cat o'nine tails was a bit much.

10:08 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Do not argue with the Colorado Rockies. The Colorado Rockies will destroy you.

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

Resident baseball guy... blah, blah, blah... need to contribute... blah, blah, blah.

I have never seen anything like the Colorado Rockies. I pay close attention to baseball and they were nowhere near my radar until they managed to tie the Pads for the Wild Card. Winning 21 of 22 games in MLB is absolutely absurd. It simply doesn't happen. To do it in a win or go home situation is other-worldly.

I always found the "team with a destiny" bit to be horrendously cliched. But at this point... I give the fuck up! Go Rockies... I sure as hell wont bet against you.

FYI--- only 2 MLB teams have never won a playoff series in their franchise history... my Texas Rangers and the do they still have a team Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

I hate my life.

12:45 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

That depressing, though I really do think the Rangers have a shot next season. Certainly better than they normally do, anyhow.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

You forgot about The Humidor.

Sigh.

I remember seeing them play their very first season [we ditched school just to go].

And being at the playoff in '95.

I'm stoked we won.

It's crazy to think part of the Series is going to be played here.

Go Rockies!

5:46 PM  
Anonymous girlfriend said...

I like it best when Clint gets all manly and talks about sports. I can turn a blind eye to his Broadway Jazz hands, and love of Erasure.

7:09 PM  
Blogger Cray said...

What happens, though, when he combines the two? Can you stomach the Jazz hands during an energetic rendition of "A Little Respect"? I think I just died a little thinking about that.

7:30 PM  

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