Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Clooney Records

NOTE: Twenty-seven staff members at a New Jersey hospital have been suspended for a month sans pay for snooping into actor George Clooney's medical records while he was in their care following a recent motorcycle accident. While the team investigating the incident tried it's best to keep the pertinent info private, a few pieces of Clooney's information were, unfortunately, leaked to the press. Because we here at ZFS! are committed to journalistic excellence and, also, because we have no morals to speak of, we now present you with...

George Clooney's Medical Info, Leaked For Your Pleasure

-It appears that, at some point in the last five years, Clooney had an extra heart installed. It doesn't appear to be connected to anything, though it does seem to be beating. According to notes, Clooney refuses to talk about his extra heart and will only stare at you with cold, dead eyes when it is mentioned.

-From the waist down, he's mostly gangrene.

-George Clooney is double-jointed... ladies...

-For a man who has frequently claimed to be embarrassed by his participation in the Batman franchise, he certainly has a lot of Batman tattoos. His chest looks like a Bob Kane retrospective.

-Clooney's body contains twice the amount of "dreamy" than what is found in your average man.

-The person whom doctors are supposed to contact in case of an emergency is listed only as, "My Oscar, bitches." Then there's a crude drawing of Clooney flipping us off, which seems unnecessary.

-The hickeys, people... oh god, the hickeys. Big as hubcaps and purple like Smuckers.

-George Clooney can fly under his own power.

-He has a rare medical condition which causes him to emit a pheromone that, to women everywhere, smells like expensive cologne and hot sex on a summer day. Which I guess explains the aforementioned hickeys.

-He's huge, ifyaknowwhatImean (wink)!!!


Anonymous stew said...

I was going to make a snide comment here about how I've heard that George Clooney is hung like a gnat and I was going to do it in an analogy that compared a horse and James Woods to a gnat and George Clooney, but I can't remember how those ::: things work.

Suffice it to say that I have heard George Clooney is hung like a gnat.

The smells-like-sex thing you can treat with topical applications of Old Spice, btw.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Where are you getting your information? The internet? Beauty shop gossip? Newsletters?

11:17 AM  
Blogger stew said...

slutty LA friends.

btw that would make an awesome tv show title.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Dre said...

eeewww! big purple hickeys!

great post.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Thanks, dude. I had kind of thought this was a bit of a lead balloon. Glad you liked it!

3:52 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

How long do big purple hickeys take to go away?

I have...I mean..a friend has a hot date in a few days but has said hickeys.

5:00 PM  
Blogger Cray said...

I also hear that his spit cures feline leukemia. Could also be confusing him with George Wendt.

5:45 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

If he's gangrene from the waist down, I'm not sure I really care that he's double jointed...

7:37 PM  

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