The Clooney Records

NOTE: Twenty-seven staff members at a New Jersey hospital have been suspended for a month sans pay for snooping into actor George Clooney's medical records while he was in their care following a recent motorcycle accident. While the team investigating the incident tried it's best to keep the pertinent info private, a few pieces of Clooney's information were, unfortunately, leaked to the press. Because we here at ZFS! are committed to journalistic excellence and, also, because we have no morals to speak of, we now present you with...

George Clooney's Medical Info, Leaked For Your Pleasure

-It appears that, at some point in the last five years, Clooney had an extra heart installed. It doesn't appear to be connected to anything, though it does seem to be beating. According to notes, Clooney refuses to talk about his extra heart and will only stare at you with cold, dead eyes when it is mentioned.

-From the waist down, he's mostly gangrene.

-George Clooney is double-jointed... ladies...

-For a man who has frequently claimed to be embarrassed by his participation in the Batman franchise, he certainly has a lot of Batman tattoos. His chest looks like a Bob Kane retrospective.

-Clooney's body contains twice the amount of "dreamy" than what is found in your average man.

-The person whom doctors are supposed to contact in case of an emergency is listed only as, "My Oscar, bitches." Then there's a crude drawing of Clooney flipping us off, which seems unnecessary.

-The hickeys, people... oh god, the hickeys. Big as hubcaps and purple like Smuckers.

-George Clooney can fly under his own power.

-He has a rare medical condition which causes him to emit a pheromone that, to women everywhere, smells like expensive cologne and hot sex on a summer day. Which I guess explains the aforementioned hickeys.

-He's huge, ifyaknowwhatImean (wink)!!!