Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Retirement Party: Songs We're All Done With

NOTE: Let's be clear about one thing, none of these are bad songs (save for one). It's just time for them to go due to their near-constant presence on the radio, as well as their overuse in movies and television. It's been a great ride, but that ride has to end.

"Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison - So overplayed, it's lost all meaning; unfortunate Julia Roberts connotations; Orbison has many other songs that don't get heard because this one's in the way, blocking their exit like a fat man on a rush hour train.

"Night Moves" by Bob Seger - Overwrought song about getting laid as a teenager; Bob Seger has a gross "Dad beard;" contains lyrical references to a "60 Chevy" and a "Drive-in," both unironically.

"Imagine" by John Lennon - Used too often as a shorthand for peace by uncreative protesters; it's lyrics are often found on t-shirts sold at Spencer's Gifts; it's sentiments aren't going to happen, at least not in our lifetime.

"Born To Be Wild" by Steppenwolf - Movie trailers use this song to indicate that a character is a "wild n' crazy" guy; Radio DJ's use this song to indicate that the weekend will be "wild n' crazy;" the general "wild n' craziness" it represents, particularly when it is played at weddings where your drunk relatives aren't stopped from dancing.

"Jumpin' Jack Flash" by The Rolling Stones - Quite possibly the worst Rolling Stones song of all time; Reminds us of our Dad drumming along on the steering wheel, with all the inherent shame that goes with said image; mid-80's Whoopi Goldberg comedy connotations.

"Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers - Simon Cowell's favorite song (true); when it plays, all we can think of is Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore, and Demi Moore's weird haircut in Ghost; also, it makes us think of erotic pottery-making, which is unpleasant.

"Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd - Adopted as an anthem by racists; Has been adapted for use as a novelty car horn; was the title of an unfortunate Reese Witherspoon romantic comedy, for which we blame Lynyrd Skynyrd and not Reese, because we love her.

"Happy Together" by The Turtles - I can only remember this as a song used to hawk some sort of cereal in the late 80's; The Turtles have much better songs elsewhere in their catalogue; "Eleanor," for example, as well as, "You Baby."

"Time Of Your Life (Good Riddance)" by Green Day - Reminds us too much of High School, even if you weren't in High School when the song was released; Reminds us of the Seinfeld finale, which everyone hated but me and I don't need to have that debate again; Reminds us how much "Dookie" rocked, which makes us sad that Green Day doesn't make albums like "Dookie" anymore.

"Hey Jude" by The Beatles - Paul playing this at the Super Bowl a few years ago was the last straw for this one; that "na na NA nanana..." part has lost it's magic for group sing-a-long purposes; has been replaced by the "ba ba DAAAA" part in "Sweet Caroline."


Anonymous stew said...


oh sorry I got carried away by the Sweet Caroline reference. You were saying...?

9:54 AM  
Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

I hate Sweet Home Alabama. Has anyone actually been to Alabama?

10:26 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Stew... See, you've proved my point. "Sweet Caroline" is in, "Hey Jude" is out.

Midwesterner... I have. It was depressing. Very... um... "rural," I guess would be the polite way to say "total, scary shithole."

10:29 AM  
Blogger Benjamin Kabak said...

Sweet Caroline really should be out. It's hard to argue for a Neil Diamond song from 1969.

11:13 AM  
Anonymous stew said...

...and that's just the reason "Sweet Caroline" is so hot right now.

Can we also retire The Macarena and everything by Poison? Hate Poison so hard. Where's the love for Skid Row????

12:43 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

'I Got You Babe' should also get a pink slip.

The original Sonny and Cher version, and ALL covers.

2:08 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Kaback... But it fills me with joy! Especially when sung at baseball games. Just me?

Stew... Macarena, yes. Poison... dunno, I kind of like "Nothin' But A Good Time."

Big Daddy... "I Got You Babe" actually gets a reprive from retirement due to it's involvment in the Bill Murray classic, Groundhog Day.

3:09 PM  
Blogger Quin said...

i've got to vote with clinton on the "i've got you, babe"... it stays only because of g.d.

we'll keep that, and dump 'gypsies, tramps and thieves' AND a beach boy song of your choice instead.

3:36 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...


Definitely, Kokomo.

5:49 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

While I don't disagree, I think that Kokomo has kind of already retired itself, or at least it's gotten comfortable with being used only as a punchline. Don't hear it a lot on the radio, is all I'm saying. Not without a thick coating of irony, anyway.

6:42 PM  
Blogger C.R. III said...

"JJF" *is* quite bad, though I think that "Start Me Up" should be tied with it. Even the opening bars of that one just piss me off.

"Sweet Caroline": definitely should be retired.

What about "Against The Wind", and all of it's crappy connotations? My vote is for retirement.

7:48 PM  
Anonymous stewcher said...

yeah 'against the wind' has to go.

'gypsies tramps and thieves' must stay because regrettably, I do an awesome karaoke version of it. you don't need to see it, just know that for reals it's not going anywhere.

I was bone in the wag-on of a travelin' show, my mammuh usedta dance for the monih they'd throw...

8:03 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

I can't hear "Happy Together" without thinking of a Golden Grahams commercial from when I was a kid. I think I believed that the song (with altered lyrics to suit the cereal) was actually written for the cereal. I was sure disappointed when I discovered that it was a REAL song.

11:09 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

C.R. III... Good call on "Against The Wind;" I think it's safe to say that just about any song on the Forrest Gump soundtrack could be retired at this point.

Stew... Man, I love "Gypsies, Tramps and Theives." I, too, have sung that karaoke-style, but only after many, many drinks.

Ross... Golden Grahams, totally. I knew it was used to hawk a cereal, but I couldn't remember which one.

8:31 AM  
Blogger Braden said...

I don't care if the Turtles only begrudgingly wrote "Elenore" to appease their hit-hungry label -- it's aces!

9:35 AM  
Blogger blythe said...

kokomo! fuck! why? i'm now reliving first grade. i'm wearing "jams" with a tank top and jellies singing along to my pocket rocker. to get away from it all, way down in kokomo... aruba jamaica, ooh i wanna take ya.

12:06 PM  
Blogger elizabeth said...

AHS is such an awesome place that the class of 2000's song was time of your life.... yeah, cuz thats what a-town and high school really says to me....

sweet caroline rang in the new year at the famed p&g's bar in something like 2004...
the whole bar was singing and think i was standing on the table practically

12:51 PM  

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