Friday, October 26, 2007

Fridays Are For Irrational Fears

I've learned a lot during my 27 years of wandering around this wide place in the universe. I'm not saying I'm "wise, " per se... I'm just saying that there's not really anything I don't know and everyone should come to me with their problems because I'm basically an incredibly macho Ann Landers. Also, I'm so handsome, I'm in constant danger of head injuries because I'm always having modeling contracts thrown at me from moving limousines. But that's really not the point I'm trying to make today.

My point is, I know just tons and tons of crap and, specifically, one of the things I know is this:

Every single person on the planet is absolutely terrified of something that anyone other than themselves would find absolutely retarded.

It's true. Often times, it's not just one thing. Some people are irrationally afraid of many things; sometimes people are afraid of so many things that they become creepy shut-ins who can never leave their house (which, incidentally, is how the internet was born). But here's the thing... people shouldn't be ashamed of their fears. It's not their fault, really; it's just their brain misfiring or it's how they relate to a traumatic experience that occured during their formative years. Being mad at someone for being scared of, say, cats, is like getting pissed at a guy because he's losing his eyesight.

So, in an effort to create a harmonious environment where people can discuss their irrational fears in a non-judgemental space that's the cyber-equivalent of a hug from your mom, I will now discuss with you my own bouts of craziness. Let's get them out there, kids, so the healing can begin...

C-dog's Irrational Fears, or, "Step Inside My Mind, Won't You?"

NOTE: These are real, unlike the usual lists of bullshit that appear on ZFS!.

-You know how when you take a hot glass out of the dishwasher and then fill it with something cold, it can explode? I'm afraid that this will happen with my teeth. Like, if I'm eating hot soup and then I take a bite of ice cream... yeah, I'm afraid this will cause my teeth to shatter. I have absolutely know idea why I feel this way.

-Ants. They freak me the fuck out. They're so swarmy and small and bite-y. Ick. This has something to do with a childhood hide n' seek game gone wrong; basically, I hid behind a bush that was on top of a large red ant colony. That wasn't a fun day.

-I live in constant fear that I've forgotten to lock my apartment door. This very well may be just a "New Yorker problem," but nonetheless.

-If I'm trying to go to sleep and I start thinking about ghosts, I have to get up and watch TV for half an hour until my mind gets distracted. Because if I think about ghosts while I'm trying to go to sleep, the ghosts will show up and eat me.

-Star Jones freaks me out. She looks like a zombie.

So that's me. What are your irrational fears, kiddos? Because I know I'm not the only one.

11 Comments:

Blogger Sally Tomato said...

My appendix bursting. I have no idea why.

10:09 AM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

I have the same thing with ghosts! That's refreshing to know that it's not just me. Like, if I watch Ghost Hunters on TV and it's especially creepy (at least to me), I can't go right to bed. The absolute worst for me is when they do EVP. Disembodied ghost voices creep me right the fuck out.
The same thing kind of also applies to whenever Art Bell does his "Ghost to Ghost" shows near Halloween. Because hubby and I often turn on the radio before we go to sleep (because we're old people who fall asleep to AM radio, shut up). But he LOVES listening to those ghost stories, and I just CAN'T. I either have to go in the other room to sleep, with music and a fan going so I don't overhear any ghostliness, or I make him turn it off. *shudder* Ugh.

I also am traumatically afraid of any and all creepy crawly insects. Except maybe like, lightning bugs or ladybugs. Unless there's more than one of them coming at me, and then them too.

Wow, this was refreshing. I feel so much better now! Group hug? :)

10:46 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

ET. I saw that movie when I was like 3 years old, which is apparently WAY TOO YOUNG to be watching movies about aliens. I had nightmares well into my adolescence. Incidentally, there was recently a commercial for it on tv, and I flipped out completely- which then freaked out the bf a bit because he had no idea of my irrational fear.

10:54 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Sally... I get that, totally. It's a body part that's useless and can blow up and kill you; what's not to be frightened of?

Giggleloop... My father listens to the Art Bell stuff constantly (he's a crack-pot conspiracy nut). He used to live in Vegas, and he'd listen to that program while driving through the deserts at night. Creepy.

Brooklyn... Yours and my ET experiences are quite different. When I was a kid, I happened to stumble upon a showing of Alien on HBO well before I ever saw ET. Therefore, when I did finally see ET, I was confused as to why he didn't just eat everybody like the other alien did. True story.

11:23 AM  
Blogger Alienwhere said...

Ok. First, your thing about the teeth? I had something like that, where I took a glass out of the dishwasher as a kid, put ice in it, and it exploded in my mouth. Shards of glass in my mouth. Lovely.

Wrath of Khan - another bad decision as a kid, when the ear-worm-thingy goes into the ear and the screaming begins... I don't need to elaborate. Yes, I realize this happened in a fictional story in outer space, but still. Disgusting.

Also, I feel like the more I hear about something, the more chance I have of it happening to me. Like the cosmos are secretly listening to my thoughts, and if I hear about nut cancer or car accidents, or even pimples too much in any given period of time, I will fall victim to whatever it is.

[exhales]

Thanks, Clinton. That feels better. Slightly.

12:52 PM  
Anonymous stew said...

I have a tooth thing, too. When I see people with ice skates slung over their shoulders, walking all jaunty and ice-proud and all, I am contstantly and irrationally afraid that the blade of the ice skates is going to swing right into my front tooth. It won't even knock it out. The knife-like blade will simply lodge in my front tooth and I will have an ice skate hanging from my mouth.

I have no idea where I got this fear but I get REALLY NERVOUS around people who hang their ice skates over their shoulders and anywhere near or approaching face level on me.

I am also afraid that I will die lonely and unloved and will be eaten my feral cats because no one will notice I am dead, but that's kind of a RATIONAL fear.

Oh, also: wood chippers.

3:25 PM  
Blogger Ross said...

I can't stand to have a knife (or another sharp object) pointed at me. I mean, especially at the dinner table, where knives sit on the table. I've reached across the table to point then in a different direction. I have a fear that they will suddenly fly forward of their own powers and lodge themselves in my chest. Even pens or pencils sitting on a table freak me out if they are pointed at me.

4:27 PM  
Anonymous girlfriend said...

I'm afraid of C-dog. He's like American Psycho....I've actually seen him feed a kitten to an ATM machine.

10:31 AM  
Blogger Todd said...

I've actually seen him feed a kitten to an ATM machine

HA!

3:11 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

Falling down the stairs AFTER I've already descended. Like a flashback of what COULD HAVE HAPPENED!

9:33 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

My big three:

Going blind.

Going deaf.

Going mentally ill like Ellen Burstyn in 'Requiem For A Dream'.

5:08 PM  

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