Friday, October 19, 2007

Arbitrary Rulings 5 (Fictional Edition)

Dracula - Gary Oldman did alright by him, but otherwise he's just a poofy, Eurotrashed pale guy in a bunch of pretty clothes and if I suddenly want to see that, I can just go cruise the West Village on a Saturday night. I think the thing that bugs me about the whole Dracula/Vampire mythology is not so much the characters themselves, but the people who claim to identify with them. Just because you favor dark clothes and get a kick out of Gothic romance novels, doesn't make you a walking servant of an undead master. It just makes you sad and lonely. I mean, seriously... I love The X-Files, but you don't see me applying for the FBI. Oh, and this is not to say that I look down on people who read a lot of Anne Rice or watch a lot of Dark Shadows; what you do on your own time is totally up to you as long as it's not going to eventually cause the police to kick down your door while they toss around warrants like beads at the Mardi Gras parade. Do you, dude. Just know where the line is.

Jim and Pam - I came to The Office pretty late, which is not unusual for me. I tend to rarely get in on the ground floor when it comes to popular TV shows, preferring to wait a season or two to see if they actually manage to stick around. I really don't like getting involved in something and then have it get taken away because our nation's a bunch of retards who can't appreciate quality TV (there are exceptions of course, but you know what I mean). So with The Office, like many shows past, I watched the first three seasons in short, week-long marathons in an effort to get me primed and pumped for season 4. It was during this time of entertainment power-chugging that I was introduced to America's current favorite couple, Jim and Pam. I won't go over their history here (you know it anyways), but suffice to say it's been a rocky ride and now I'm pretty much in love with both of them. That's right... both of them. Pam, of course, because she's cute and funny, and Jim... well, let's just say I wouldn't kick him out of bed either. I don't usually swing that way, but there's an old saying that's applicable in this situation and it goes like this: There's an exception to every rule, particularly when said exception is a slacker dreamboat who looks like he'd take the gold in the Cuddling Olympics.

Funkytown - Turns out, not a real place, and thus it's inclusion on this fictional edition of Arbitrary Rulings. Lipps Inc. totally lied to us, which is the first time in my entire life that I've been deceived by a late-era disco group. I don't even know what to say... all I wanted was to go to a place that kept me movin', kept me groovin' with some energy but... no, it was not to be. Lipps Inc. had to fucking tease me with their pretty words and false promises. Well, fine... fuck you, Lipps Inc. You won't be invited to the fabulous parties at my swinging condo on Atlantis. Oh yes, Atlantis is real... Plato told me so and Donovan backed him up.

Chris Gaines - Omigod, why did this unholy joke from the unquiet mind of Garth Brooks suddenly fart it's way into my head? Sure, I've been sitting here at my desk trying to think of fictional characters for the last half hour but... fucking Chris Gaines, the most-failed of all the failed fictional musical constructs? I don't know, man... the best thing I can come up with is that I have a tumor the size of a racquetball lodged firmly in the pop culture center of my brain and my body is trying to let me know about it by randomly firing off images of terrifying celebrity vanity projects in the hopes that they will frighten me into getting an MRI. Otherwise... nope, there's no other reason to think of Chris Gaines, ever.

George W. Bush’s Presidential Legacy - Topical humor! Ha!!! I'm like a fat version of The Daily Show that doesn't know what it's talking about! Also, I didn't vote! Screw you, fellow countrymen! I should also point out that I originally had "The Bible" as the last spot on this list, but then I decided that I didn't feel like being a dick to 95% of the Earth's population this morning. Maybe tomorrow, unless I'm too hungover; then I'll be a dick on Monday.

9 Comments:

Blogger Irish and Jew said...

Chris Gains!!! lol my mom had that album and i didn't know at first that it was garth brooks, i was like, wow that guy is almost as ugly as garth brooks :)

1:57 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

I have a feeling that you have, in fact, applied for the FBI at some point in your life.

2:04 PM  
Blogger Dre said...

I looove jim and pam... they're the best!

chris gaines= die in a fire.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Irish Or Jew... I'm embarrased (for him) to admit this, but my father spent a good three months trying to convince me that the Chris Gaines album really brilliant. My Dad drinks a lot, obviously.

Jeff... Applied? No. Been investigated by? Look, I told them I had nothing to do with all those dead hitchhikers.

Dre... They are the best! Them being together makes me happy in a way the coupling of two fictional characters never has before.

2:39 PM  
Anonymous stew said...

You guys are going to hate the Thanksgiving episode where Pam drinks too much Jack Daniels and cheats on Jim with Chris Gaines.

4:33 PM  
Anonymous Scott H. said...

I am by no means saying that the Chris Gaines album is remotely good, but I did at one point own it and can to this day sing along with aevery song on there. Clint you know that back in the day I drank plenty of the Garth Brooks Kool-Aid. He is now a complete guilty pleasure for me.

Jim and Pam are starting to annoy me. Too cutesy. Give me Dwight, Anglea, and Andy (Here Comes Treble) Bernard any day of the week.

4:33 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Jim is cute in a weird way I must admit.

I worked with a guy who was very similar.

11:17 PM  
Blogger RC Cola! said...

Oh geez why did you have to remind me of Chris Gaines?

3:04 AM  
Blogger blythe said...

being unimpressed with chris gains is actually against the law for oklahomans in spite of garth's idiocy. we all make mistakes. also, reba, garth, gill, toby, who've you got?

10:20 AM  

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