Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Cheap Booze Is Hilarious: A Pictorial

NOTE: These are all real. Real sad, I mean.

Black Cock Scotch

Let's get things started on the right note, shall we? So the first question raised (har!) by Black Cock Scotch is, of course, what sort of marketing genius would saddle a product that you put in your mouth with the most blatant sexual innuendo since that one time I told a cop my name was Peter Gozinya? The second question: How is this not the most popular cheap beverage of all time? Think about it... every hipster bar, frat house, and gay club in the world should be fully stocked with Black Cock Scotch just for the irony factor alone. I suppose that there's a very strong chance that the stuff tastes like cat pee, but that shouldn't matter. It's Black Cock Scotch!!!

Steel Reserve Malt Liquor

Here's a story that will make my mother proud: A few years ago, I was living in a part of Brooklyn known to a few as Bedford-Stuyvesant, known to some as Bed-Stuy, and known to just about everyone else as one of the most likely places in NYC to get hit by a stray bullet during a drug deal gone wrong. It was a rough neighborhood, unquestionably, but one of it's benefits was this: Bodegas that stocked unending supplies of cheap, horrible alcohol for to be consumed by the not-picky drinker on a budget. My poison of choice? The sleek, silver bastard you see pictured above. You could get two, 24oz cans of Steel Reserve for three dollars and... trust me... two cans were all you needed; I'm pretty sure you could use this stuff to fuel up a car in a pinch. Anyway, there was a good six-month stretch of my life where I was drinking two cans of Steel Reserve just about every night, though I eventually had to stop because the State threatened to take my liver away. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm so fucking classy, you can hardly stand it.

Aristocrat Gin

We have to assume that this isn't in any way connected with the filthy joke of the same name. No, Aristocrat Gin has got to be aimed at the Zeldas and F. Scotts of the world; ballgown and tuxedoed women and men who spend their nights getting plowed in high society while exchanging witty repartee and being careful to discreetly vomit into a potted plant that's not too near the buffet. Ah, the life of the rich. Oh, and the best thing about Aristocrat Gin is that it tastes like juniper berries and smells like a trust fund being set on fire while your elderly relatives weep.

Pancho Villa Tequila

If it comes with a racist caricature on it's label, then you know it's cheap! I think that was supposed to be a sombrero on his head but, due to the shoddy graphic design, our boy Pancho ended up looking like a Hispanic version of Carnac the Magnificent. My opinion, there's few substances on the planet worse than cheap Tequila, unfortunate packaging notwithstanding. Drinking stuff like Pancho Villa Tequila is practically a gift certificate for spend the night hugging a toilet and/or landing in the hospital for taking a swing at a bouncer.

Mellow Gold Vodka

Holy shit! It's vodka served in a cardboard milk-container!!! Apparently this is a real thing (from Russia, naturally), though I've had some trouble finding much about it on the the internet. One can only guess at it's taste, it's strength, and it's involvement in the deaths of numerous hobos throughout the greater-Moscow area. Seriously... I can't even wrap my head around the concept of Mellow Gold Vodka and the inherent evils therein. Though it is nice to know that there's at least one type of booze out there that's too low-class even by my practically nonexistent standards. Rock bottom, I haven't hit you yet!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was all prepared to rip on this until I saw the milk carton of Mellow Gold vodka. WANT.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Rip on it how? You got a PROBLEM with my love of cheap booze??? Oooh... oooh... don't make me put my baby down!!! I will fight you in the parking lot!!! BRING IT OOOOWWWWWWNNNNNN!!!!!!!

(Sorry... little too much coffee this morning)

10:41 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

If I encounter a bottle of Black Cock Scotch between now and the next time I see you, that's what's mysteriously ending up in your bag instead of Pete's Wicked Ale.

11:49 AM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

Hilarious! You know, i remember hearing some rumor about how kids from harvard put liquor up their asses because it makes you drunk faster... true or not, if i was going to put something up my ass, it would definitly be...(wait for it)...Black Cock (Scotch)!


11:53 AM  
Blogger Kitty said...

Oh man, I wish I could find a pic of the stuff we used to drink in came in a 2 liter soda bottle, and it was called Grape Crush "Something", but it had alcohol, was sweeter than pixie stix, and usually ended up on the floor of the communal bathroom by the next morning.

11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm all about any booze that shares a name with a beck album...among other things. to quote stew: WANT.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Brooklyn... Awww!!! Sobering uo to find a bottle of Black Cock Scotch in my bag would make me the happiest (and hungoveriest) guy in the city.

Jew... I've totally heard about that too. I think there was even an ER episode about it, too. Anyway, I would like to state for the record that I have never put liquor up my butt, though I would be willing to in exchange for cash money and/or the cost of my hospital bills.

Kitty... That gagging noise you here is me, right now, just thinking about it. You're causing memories of Boones Farm products to resurface.

Moxie... Yeah, but I was never that big a fan of Odelay Rum.

12:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does the Mellow Gold have pictures of missing drunks on the side?

2:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kitty -- it wasn't Purple Passion was it? I vaguely remember hearing that name referenced before I was of legal drinking age (and therefore I know nothing more about it)

3:05 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

that is not a carton of vodka. it just isn't. my prayers are NEVER answered.

4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jew, You're thinking of (And thinking of practicing, perhaps?) vodka colonics in which a bunch of girls had to be hospitalized because they were giving themselves enemas with vodka to get drunk without calories.

I learn about this from Clint's stepmom.

5:13 PM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

girlfriend- GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. That is taking dieting to an insane level! I can't even stick to a juice diet!


1:53 PM  
Blogger pepe cadena said...

The Black Cock Scotch, is one of my favorites drinks, I always ask for it, and after that I need my Sildenafil magic move, to hanging up for a while.

1:51 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home