Cheap Booze Is Hilarious: A Pictorial

NOTE: These are all real. Real sad, I mean.

Black Cock Scotch



Let's get things started on the right note, shall we? So the first question raised (har!) by Black Cock Scotch is, of course, what sort of marketing genius would saddle a product that you put in your mouth with the most blatant sexual innuendo since that one time I told a cop my name was Peter Gozinya? The second question: How is this not the most popular cheap beverage of all time? Think about it... every hipster bar, frat house, and gay club in the world should be fully stocked with Black Cock Scotch just for the irony factor alone. I suppose that there's a very strong chance that the stuff tastes like cat pee, but that shouldn't matter. It's Black Cock Scotch!!!

Steel Reserve Malt Liquor



Here's a story that will make my mother proud: A few years ago, I was living in a part of Brooklyn known to a few as Bedford-Stuyvesant, known to some as Bed-Stuy, and known to just about everyone else as one of the most likely places in NYC to get hit by a stray bullet during a drug deal gone wrong. It was a rough neighborhood, unquestionably, but one of it's benefits was this: Bodegas that stocked unending supplies of cheap, horrible alcohol for to be consumed by the not-picky drinker on a budget. My poison of choice? The sleek, silver bastard you see pictured above. You could get two, 24oz cans of Steel Reserve for three dollars and... trust me... two cans were all you needed; I'm pretty sure you could use this stuff to fuel up a car in a pinch. Anyway, there was a good six-month stretch of my life where I was drinking two cans of Steel Reserve just about every night, though I eventually had to stop because the State threatened to take my liver away. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm so fucking classy, you can hardly stand it.

Aristocrat Gin



We have to assume that this isn't in any way connected with the filthy joke of the same name. No, Aristocrat Gin has got to be aimed at the Zeldas and F. Scotts of the world; ballgown and tuxedoed women and men who spend their nights getting plowed in high society while exchanging witty repartee and being careful to discreetly vomit into a potted plant that's not too near the buffet. Ah, the life of the rich. Oh, and the best thing about Aristocrat Gin is that it tastes like juniper berries and smells like a trust fund being set on fire while your elderly relatives weep.

Pancho Villa Tequila



If it comes with a racist caricature on it's label, then you know it's cheap! I think that was supposed to be a sombrero on his head but, due to the shoddy graphic design, our boy Pancho ended up looking like a Hispanic version of Carnac the Magnificent. My opinion, there's few substances on the planet worse than cheap Tequila, unfortunate packaging notwithstanding. Drinking stuff like Pancho Villa Tequila is practically a gift certificate for spend the night hugging a toilet and/or landing in the hospital for taking a swing at a bouncer.

Mellow Gold Vodka

Holy shit! It's vodka served in a cardboard milk-container!!! Apparently this is a real thing (from Russia, naturally), though I've had some trouble finding much about it on the the internet. One can only guess at it's taste, it's strength, and it's involvement in the deaths of numerous hobos throughout the greater-Moscow area. Seriously... I can't even wrap my head around the concept of Mellow Gold Vodka and the inherent evils therein. Though it is nice to know that there's at least one type of booze out there that's too low-class even by my practically nonexistent standards. Rock bottom, I haven't hit you yet!